Po, the Harem Master
by Neoraichu
Summary: This may well be what Kung Fu Panda would have turned into if it were written as a Harem Anime.
1. Chapter 1

Po, the Harem Master

Part 1: The Furious Five; Tigress and Viper

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

And thus did the greatest Warrior of ALL TIME gaze across the land in his perpetual search for the enemies of the Valley of Peace, for such a place could not be the place in which it choose to be placed for not the perpetual vigilance of the greatest Warrior of ALL TIME. He was huge, built like a stone fortress, and also was a devil among all ladies of all stripes for he was a badass and a rebel, the kind of guys the chics couldn't help but fall in love with! His hand carried the Legendary Sword of Jade that he had crafted with his own hands and transformed into a relic of Power with his own Awesomeness! On top of that, he wore the Armor of Awesomeness that he also just happened to have crafted himself from the rarest hide and wood in the world and likewise transformed into a relic of Power with his own Awesomeness! And it was topped off with the Bamboo Hat That Really Makes You Look SO Cool that he also just happened to have crafted himself from the rarest bamboo in the world and likewise transformed into a relic of Power with his own Awesomeness!

And there were ENEMIES ALL RIGHT! 1,000 Croc Warriors to the left, 1,000 Water Buffalo Warriors to the right, 1,000 Elephant Warriors in the middle, 1,000 Vulture Warriors circling overhead, and 1 Giant Totally Evil Black Dragon General standing behind them all! The Dragon had taken the entire Imperial Family hostage, and they just weren't going to save themselves! It was _almost_ going to be a challenge for the greatest Warrior of ALL TIME!

It wasn't like he was alone either, for behind him stood the Furious Five! The greatest GROUP of Warriors of All Time who looked up to the greatest Warrior of ALL TIME for leadership, training, and of course, AWESOMENESS! This included the Legendary Tigress with her Jade Quan-Do, Legendary Viper with her Jade Battle Fan, Legendary Crane with his Steel Battle Claws, Legendary Monkey with his Steel Great Staff, and Legendary Mantis (who didn't really have a weapon because he was just too small)! All weapons he also just happened to have crafted himself from the rarest materials in the world and likewise transformed into a relic of Power with his own Awesomeness!

"Grand Master Panda!" said Tigress, "There's so many of them! It is hopeless! It is impossible! We should just give up and surrender to them now! We cannot save the Imperial Family before the enemy murders them all!"

The greatest Warrior turned to face Tigress, cutting off her stream of complaints with but a single look.

"Of course," she said apologetically, "You are right! We were not taught to give up just because things are impossible! Things that cannot be done must be done because you taught us how to do things which cannot be done by the power of you unstoppable Awesomeness!"

The greatest Warrior smiled at Tigress.

"Thank you for your confidence in us, Grand Master," she continued as her spirits lifted, "for our own Awesomeness is but a fraction of your own! We do not know how we even survived before you trained the Five of us in your Awesomeness!"

He turned to find himself staring into the face of the Evil Dragon!

"Po!" it said Darkly and Evilly, "It it morning! It's time to make the noodles! Get up!"

...

Po awoke to his father's countenance. The gray goose was smiling down over his giant Panda son. He was looking down upon him from the side of his cot, and he looked both happy and excited. "It's time to make the noodles! You know it's going to be a real good day today!"

"Oh yeah," he replied, "It's TODAY! The Day they pick the Dragon Warrior!"

"The what now?"

"The Dragon Warrior!" he said with just a little frustration in his voice, "Just the greatest Kung Fu Warrior of ALL TIME!"

"Big deal. If he could sell noodles, it might be worth getting worked up over."

"People are coming to the Valley of Peace from ALL over the EMPIRE to see this, Dad!"

"Really?"

"Sure!" he said, "This kind of thing is like ONCE IN A LIFETIME AWESOME!"

"You're absolutely right son!" he cried, "And they ALL be hungry for NOODLES! This could be the best chance ALL YEAR for our shop to make money and add to our retirement nest egg!"

"So I can go see it?!"

"Well you can't use the Noodle Cart to sell to all those hungry spectators if you aren't there, can you?"

"Well, no..."

"Of course not!"

"I suppose any reason to be there is as good as any other..."

"We'll have to put off making noodles then, my son," he added, "but it's not like we still don't have a week's supply all ready to go. I just don't like putting things off the the last day, you know."

"I know, dad."

"Well you get all cleaned up and ready for the day, son," he said, "I have to get the Noodle Cart ready to go." The goose walked away as he muttered to himself, "Make sure there's enough fire wood to boil the soup... gotta slice up some fresh radishes... make sure he sells the bean buns before they go bad..."

Po glanced to the window sill and smiled at his collection of Rare Furious Five Action Figures with 15 Points of Articulation (or more, depending on which action figure he was looking at). He picked up the Tigress figure, his personal favorite, and held her affectionately against his chest. Then he set her back down, adjusted her action stance, and set out to dress and change for the day ahead.

...

Po stood at the base of the staircase leading up to the Jade Palace. The staircase was angled to about 45 degrees, and if he were going all the way up there, would be more than a mile trek. But the stadium he was going up to was more like a half mile climb. He looked back at the loaded noodle cart and sighed, "Why am I an only child? Isn't there labor laws against this?"

"Excuse me," said a woman's voice.

He looked around to see a dozen women leopards all sporting red bamboo and silk umbrellas.

"Hi," he said, "Can I help you?"

"No, but perhaps we can help you," replied one of the ladies, "I take it you're planning to haul that cart all the way up to the stadium for the Dragon Warrior Ceremony?"

"Yes!" he answered.

"We're performing there for the Grand Parade," she answered, "and in exchange for a little free food, we would be happy to help out. By the way, we're the _Ladies of the Shade_, and my name is Su."

"I'm Po," he replied, "A real pleasure to meet you all. I'm sure that I'll make more than enough money today to make up from some free food. I really hope to get to see you all performing. You all look awesome."

"Some men just know how to flatter a gal silly," said Su, "But where are my manner? Let me introduce you to the Ladies here." She began pointing out one Lady at a time as she said, "This one is my current second in command, Song. This is her younger sister, Dance. These are the twins, Leap and Tumble. This is Lotus Blossom, the Mystic in Training. This is Nightshade. This is Lightning Dancer. This is Thunder Drummer. These are the other twins, Silk and Satin. The last one here is Voiceless."

He nodded at each in turn until the last, in which he had to ask, "Voiceless?"

"Unfortunately so," replied Su, "Her voice was taken by a Croc bandit when his spear pierced her neck as a child."

"Oh, that's just so wrong!" he scowled, "I hope it still doesn't hurt her?"

"No," replied Su, "It stopped hurting her years ago when her throat healed, but... she'll never sing like her mother wanted her to."

He leaned over and hugged Voiceless as he said, "No lady should ever be treated so horribly! The Gods shouldn't let things like that happen!"

He didn't notice at the time, but Song looked at him very sympathetically because of his kind words and the hug he gave to Voiceless.

"I would agree," said Su, "but things cannot be changed. Now Ladies, let's help the nice Panda here get his cart up to the Stadium, shall we?"

They all nodded as one.

...

Po watched as the Ladies of the Shade walked away. He had no idea that between them, they were going to put away 24 full bowls of noodles complete with broth and vegetables. It was almost one fifth of his whole supply. He figured they must use a whole lot of energy performing. But he promised the Ladies free food for their assistance, and he had to stick to his word after all. And they did take his cart all the way up to the Stadium as promised.

He looked around the stadium at the throngs of visitors. There had to be at least a thousand people there just to see the Dragon Warrior Ceremony. Although the Ladies of the Shade carried his cart into the Stadium and to the base of the bleachers, there was still about a hundred feet of stairs that separated the bottom of the stands from the top. He could even see Grand Master Oogway, Master Shifu, and the VIPs as they looked out from their platform over the crowd so gathered. They were all enraptured as Shifu stepped up to make an announcement.

"**Welcome to the Valley of Peace!**" he called, "**Welcome to the Dragon Warrior Ceremony! Soon the Furious Five will be called out to show their Martial Prowess for you, and it will be all too soon before we can discover who will be chosen as the Dragon Warrior!**"

"_The Dragon Warrior is here with us now_," said Oogway as the old turtle smiled and looked out over the crowd.

Shifu looked back as he commented, "Well, I guess the Five are close enough to be counted as being with us."

But Oogway made no further comment. If the ancient turtle knew more than what he said, he was keeping it to himself.

"**I know he's hard to see from the stands**," said Shifu, "**but please welcome the first of the Furious Five, MASTER MANTIS!**"

'_He's right_,' thought Po, '_I can hardly see him from here, and I'm about 10 yards away from the stage_.'

He was too busy making and selling noodles to watch Mantis' performance anyway.

"Excuse me," asked a deep woman's voice, "Do you sell Doufu?" He glanced about to see a fairly tall person fully covered in robes.

"Just plain Doufu?" he asked curiously.

"Yes."

"Not exactly," he replied, "There's Doufu in the noodle soup base."

"I'd rather just have..."

"Hey," he replied, "Just to show you how good they are, I'll let you have a bowl of noodles for free." He shoved her a bowl of noodles and a pair of chopsticks before she could object.

"Uh..." she replied, "Thanks?"

She turned to leave as he said, "No problem... Oh, and have a good show Tigress."

Stopping cold, she said, "You surely must be mistaken..."

"Of course I am," he said, "But have a good show anyways."

She slipped away before people began paying more attention to what the Panda had just announced.

'_Darn him_,' she thought, '_How did he know? If I wasn't so hungry from training the last week... If I remembered to eat something for breakfast this morning_...' With her chopsticks, she absentmindedly began eating the noodle soup. '_Well, I guess they are kinda good_.' She had to make her way back behind the platform and the observers, hopefully without being discovered. It would have been quite embarrassing to make a scene before she was scheduled to demonstrate her Kung Fu prowess. She knew in her heart she was most likely to be chosen as the Dragon Warrior, after all.

What Po didn't know was that a dark red, smallish figure was also watching the proceeding from under the bleachers with more than one pair of eyes, and the people sitting over them would totally freak out if they even had the least little idea about who was underneath them just now.

'_Soon this bomb will make ALL of them pay for my humiliation_,' they thought, '_Vengeance will be mine after all these years!_'

Shifu announced, "**Please welcome the second of the Furious Five, MASTER CRANE!**"

Po just had to stop and watch the aerial Kung Fu Style of Crane. The crowd was also all abuzz and crazy about his air show. Shifu had assistants who tossed clay plates into the air, a dozen or more at a time, while Crane broke every last one before it could strike the ground. Unfortunately, one plate turned out to be made of strong wood rather than clay, so instead of breaking, it was thrust away from him a great speed. And it just so happened to hit Po in the head as well.

"_That's not funny, Monkey!_" called Crane as he landed next to Po, and then asked, "Are you alright, sir? I'm really sorry about this."

"No," said Po as he rubbed his head and wished the world would just stop spinning, "It's cool. It really is. Would you sign the plate for me?"

"Uh... sure," he replied, "but later. I don't think either of us has a brush and ink on us..."

"No, I guess you're right about that."

The crowd seemed to forgive Crane as readily as Po did. The rest of Crane's performance went with out any incidents.

Shifu announced, "**Please welcome the third of the Furious Five, MASTER MONKEY!**"

Master Monkey came out using two Dragon Stave as stilts. He seemed to be quite adept in walking around that way.

'_That is so cool_,' thought Po.

"**Who says wings are everything?**" he called out to the crowd, who generally cheered him back.

But a dark owl perched high upon the tallest tree on the side of the mountain answered quietly, "I do, you fool. When I break your body and soul, you'll know what I mean. If that jerk Oogway wasn't around to protect you little ingrates, I'd... I'd..." There was a pause before adding, "Why is it so bloody bright out here?"

Monkey continued to wow the crowds in his own right by using the stave to break clay plates set up on the ground around him as well as knock a few red rubber balls out of the air as they were thrown at him from the 'sidelines'.

Shifu announced, "**Please welcome the fourth of the Furious Five, MASTER VIPER!**"

She began wowing the crowds by spinning large thin wooden rings tossed at her around her long, slender body one at a time until she was doing at least 12 rings at once.

"What do you know," mused Po to himself as he watched her, "A hoop snake."

He smelled that the noodles were boiling over, so he had to turn around and take care of them. It was fortunate that the damage was minimal, and so was the amount of noodle broth that was lost. Then he felt something thin roll into his backside and get stuck between his 'cheeks'.

"I'm sorry about that," said a woman's voice, "We really need to get more accurate throwers around here. Could you throw it back on stage for me please? Please be careful. That hoop is covered in explosives..."

He glanced back over his shoulder to see that Viper was looking down on him from the edge of the stage as she still had those twelve or so rings spinning around her body.

'_EXPLOSIVES?!_' he thought in a panic. He turned quickly towards Viper as the ring slapped into the side of the cart, causing some of the fuel from the open flame boiling the noodles to get thrown onto the ring wedged in his backside. '_Oh no, I'm too young to get BLOWN UP!_'

Viper realized that the Panda vendor had panicked and frozen in place, so she had to act quickly. It was a matter of a few seconds before the ring was going to light up, and probably light up the Panda and the whole cart as well. Leaving the other rings behind, she lunged at him from the stage, grabbed the ring with her mouth, and flung it high into the air before it explosively burned up. Unfortunately, her teeth cut the ring of explosives before she could fling it, and it left her with a mouthful of corrosive black powder, chlorine and antimony (for the color it would make when it went off).

Seeing Viper in gagging and coughing in distress snapped Po back to the real world. Grabbing a ladle full of broth, he pushed it to her lips as he shouted, "Quick, wash your mouth out with this!" She took a mouthful, washed it around and spit it out on the ground next to her.

"Thanks," said Viper with a slight cough.

"It's the least I can do for saving my life and all," he answered awkwardly.

"Actually," she said with a smile, "That's about the nicest thing anyone's done for me in years. Aren't you afraid of snakes?"

"Not one that belongs to the Furious Five!" he replied, "The Furious Five TOTALLY RULES!"

"**Sorry for the interruption in the proceedings**," called Master Shifu, "**There will be a slight delay before we continue!**"

Master Shifu came down to the cart and the Panda as he asked Viper, "Are you alright?"

"Because of this Panda's quick thinking," she replied, "I am."

"Who can we thank for this?"

"Me?" asked the Panda, "I'm Po. It's nice to meet you, Master Shifu."

"Oh... uh," he replied to the Panda's boldness, "Nice to meet you too."

"Noodles?" he asked hopefully.

"Sorry," replied the Master, "Far too busy for that right now. Come along, Master Viper. We need to get the stage cleaned up so you can finish your display. You know what Tigress gets like if she's kept waiting too long."

Viper gulped and nodded.

"Ask Tigress if she liked the noodles!" he called after.

"What is he talking about?" asked Shifu.

"No idea, Master," replied Viper, "Perhaps we should just ask Tigress?"

"We don't have time for that sort of foolishness!" he chided, "Just get Tigress ready to go as soon as you're done!"

"Yes Master."

Po had to clean up with a mop and a bucket of water, so he missed the last part of Viper's performance.

"**Master Viper thanks you for your patience!**" Shifu announced, "**So please welcome the final member of the Furious Five, MASTER TIGRESS!**"

As she came out, he gave her a little wave that oddly made her pause as soon as she saw it. She hoped that no one could see the blush that crossed her cheeks in that moment. Banishing the thought as fast as she could, she got around to her Martial Arts performance. As she waited, half a dozen rather large and very heavy iron bells were brought out by a dozen of the largest rhinos Po had ever seen. They were carried in very heavy wooden frames which allowed the bells to swing and ring even while they were sitting on the ground. Oddly enough, the bells were not the same size. The bells were sit in a ring around Tigress, starting with the smallest bell and circling around to the largest before the circle closed and the pattern repeated. With the clappers, the bells easily ranged in weight from 400 pounds upwards to over a full ton.

She made the bells ring out by punching them very hard, thus causing them to swing and their clappers to make contact with the sides of the bell. Leaping from one bell to another, they rang out until the listeners realized that Tigress was making music. They wondered how she could possibly ring those bells so hard without hurting her hands. The crowd was overwhelmingly approving of her efforts.

Finishing her performance, she bowed to the audience as she waited for the sounds to fade.

"**Once the stage is cleared**," called Shifu, "**The great and powerful Grand Master Oogway shall point out the Dragon Warrior! Aren't you all excited?!**" The crowd clapped and cheered their growing excitement.

A female fox watched from mid range in the bleachers, and she commented, "I'll give you a performance one of these days, Shifu my ex. One of these days." With her bright blue eyeshadow and her pink robes, she was drawing attention from a lot of the men sitting nearby, but she only had eyes for the one called Shifu.

One of the Ladies of the Shade bumped into her as they tried to pass by, but the fox was not paying any mind to the passing leopard. She had in fact bumped into just about every man in the row on either side of the fox in the process. When the leopard got to the end of the row, she ducked behind the bleachers to meet some of the others.

"I'm sure I got at least a dozen fat bags of silver on that run," she confided to the others.

"Well show us," they replied.

She flopped her sleeve, but only one small bag of silver dropped into her hand.

"What the?.." she asked in dismay.

"Right, at least a dozen fat bags of silver..."

"I've been _robbed!_ By another thief no less!"

"_Who would dare steal from the Ladies of the Shade?_" asked Su madly.

"I don't know," she replied, "I never felt any of the bags being lifted. _Whoever he is, he's good at being bad!_"

"They better pray we don't find them or they'll find out just how wicked we can be!"

Meanwhile, the time had come for the choosing of the Dragon Warrior. The small red figure under the bleachers was now fussing with a large, round iron ball, a length of string, and a lit oil lamp.

"About 10 seconds after I light this," she gloated, "BOOM! About 100 people in the stands are going to buy the farm as soon as the bleachers collapse. I just need to light this without..." The bomb slipped loose from her claw just as she lit it. It rolled away from her, and under Mr. Ping's Noodle Cart. "dropping it! Nuts, I have to get out of her before it goes off!" The small red figure fled towards the back of the bleachers as fast as her six little legs would carry her.

The red figure scurried away as Grand Master Oogway began lifting his arm with its long, pointy nails. The Noodle Cart exploded, flinging Po into the air and right over the stage. He landed on a heap on the stage floor head first. When his sight cleared, he couldn't help but notice their was a giant tortoise pointing a long tapered claw right at him.

"You are the Dragon Warrior!" pronounced Master Oogway slowly.

"Me?" asked Po.

"Me?" asked Tigress, who was standing just behind where Po landed, "You were going to point at me, weren't you?"

"No," replied the tortoise, "It is **him**. _The Universe has chosen him_."

"NO!" yelled Shifu, "This is a joke! You can't be serious!"

"I have never been more serious, my student."

Two pairs of Rhinos rushed over with a sedan chair while two more tossed the Panda onto it, and then they all sped away up the stairs towards the Jade Palace before any more objections could be made. Shifu, the Furious Five, and almost every member of the audience was dumbfounded that some large, fat and apparently soft Panda was chosen to be the Legendary Dragon Warrior.

"Master," said Tigress, "We've failed you."

"No!" shouted Shifu, "I'll get this fixed! The Dragon Warrior just has to be one of the Furious Five! He just has to be!"


	2. Chapter 2

Po, the Harem Master

Part 2: Along came a Scorpion...

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Mr. Ping ran up anxiously to see how Po had done at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony. It had ended long hours ago, and he was very late getting back.

"How did it go, son?" he asked, "Did we make oodles of cash?"

He looked at his Dad sadly.

"Not sell so good?"

He kept staring.

"Son, you're scaring me. What happened?"

"Dad... A terrorist bomb blew up the Noodle Cart... It was horrible..."

Mr. Ping just gasp audibly. "ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!" he asked in dismay.

"I'm fine, Dad," he said, "The blast just threw me up on stage."

"You got bombed, too?!"

"Well yeah," came the response, "I was less than 10 feet away when the cart exploded. I'm really sorry about everything..."

"Don't be silly!" he scolded, "A cart can be replaced, but you cannot! I'm just so glad you're safe!"

"I know it's not much," he said as he gave his Dad a small coin bag, "but that's what the Imperial Guard gave me in compensation for the terrorist's actions. The rest of the profits were scattered all over the place by the blast. It's really lucky that no one else was seriously injured by the whole bomb thing."

"By the way," he asked, "Where have you been all this time?"

"They took me straight up to the Jade Palace to make sure I was alright." He wasn't ready to tell his Dad that Grand Master Oogway had chosen him to be the one and only Dragon Warrior

Another thing that neither of them knew was a hateful pair of eyes that were watching them from the darkness under the largest kitchen table.

… Hours earlier at the Jade Palace ...

Grand Master Oogway and Master Shifu stood in the Hall of Heroes just near the reflecting pool that lay just beneath the grand dragon carving, and the great Dragon Warrior Scroll it bore in its mouth.

"The Universe does not make mistakes," said Grand Master Oogway, "This Panda is the Dragon Warrior, and nothing can be done about it now."

"I beg to differ, Master," complained Master Shifu, "Perhaps your vision of the events was clouded by the whole explosion and terrorist attack? Maybe you just did not see what you thought you saw?"

"I haven't relied upon my eyes to see in decades," he said calmly, "and my inner sight has never been wrong before."

"That Panda is soft, fat and weak!" persisted Shifu, "It would take decades to whip that guy into shape, and YOU know WE don't have DECADES to work with!"

"Tai Lung can wait a little while longer."

"You said yourself he will break out of prison and seek revenge against the Valley of Peace! That was the whole reason for selecting the Dragon Warrior in the first place! I say we give him a small bag of silver coin, apologize for any misunderstanding, and send the Panda back home!"

"Do you think I'm senile?" he asked Shifu soberly.

"Senile?!" asked the small red panda, "Of course I don't!"

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

"OF COURSE NOT! You're one of the greatest Kung Fu Masters who ever lived!"

"Do you think I'm wrong?"

"No! Not at all!"

"_Then why do you continue to question my decisions in this matter?_"

Shifu was at a loss for words. "I just thought," he stammered, "it would be one of the Furious Five."

"Tai Lung thought he deserved to be Dragon Warrior by virtue of the fact he was your student, by virtue of the fact he felt entitled to be the Dragon Warrior," said Grand Master Oogway, "and look where that pride left him."

"I never said he was entitled. I just said he could earn the title with hard work and dedication to the grand art of Kung Fu."

"_And you were wrong on that point_. It's not the work and dedication that matter most, it's the SOUL and HEART that one keeps in spite of all adversity."

"What kind of adversity could that fat, weak Panda have possible endured?"

"Tell me, just how many other Pandas have you seen in the last 20 years?"

"Pandas?" asked Shifu as he scratched his chin, "Well... I've seen... NONE."

"Precisely," replied the ancient tortoise, "because Po is the ONLY PANDA within a 1,000 miles of this place. Do you know how hard it is to be all alone in the world when you're surrounded by people?"

"How do you know?"

"The Universe told me, of course."

"So he had no parents," said Shifu, "That's not an unusual predicament these days. I got Tigress out of an orphanage herself."

"No prophecy predicted that."

"Prophecy?"

"Yes, all the Pandas in the land but one were murdered for a Prophecy."

Shifu gasp.

"Yet look how the Panda turned out, Shifu. He's hard working in his own way, kind, gentle, and he does not dwell on his suffering or his need for revenge. No matter what else happens, he has the true Heart and Soul of the Dragon Warrior. Please try to forgive his shortcomings, and help him become his true self. Promise me you'll make him into the Legendary Dragon Warrior."

"I'll... try..." said Shifu, "But won't you train him?"

"My time left in this world is short," he said sagely, "And you will have to continue on in the Jade Palace after I'm done here in this world. Do you know the greatest way to defeat any enemy?"

"Wuxi Finger Hold?"

"No."

"Golden Lotus Clap?"

"No."

"Eight arm spleen punch?"

"No no, it's not so hard. It's making an Enemy into someone who is NOT an Enemy."

"I don't understand."

"You will. It will all become clear when the Dragon Warrior brings peace to the Valley of Peace, this great land, and most importantly – to you."

"But I am at peace."

"You won't be at peace until you can forgive yourself for Tai Lung and what he turned out to be."

"Many people died because of his rage, Master, and I couldn't stop him from turning out like that. I did nothing to quell his ego or teach him how to be at peace with himself. The blood of all of those... those innocents will always be on my hands."

"There is something I must say to the Panda, Shifu," he said softly, "and you have to be there to hear it as well. Please come along with me."

"Of course, Master."

...

Over at the infirmary, Tigress and Viper were peeking in from the opposite sides of the doorway as the Panda lay on the infirmary cot and snored away.

"I just don't understand him," confessed Tigress.

"About what?" asked Viper.

"He helped me out without any expectation of reward or repayment."

"So? He helped me too."

"But he's a vendor! The only reason he was there was to make money!"

"Money is not wrong or evil by itself, you know. Some people cook just to know about how much joy others gain from eating their food."

"Focusing on food is a waste of time!" snarled Tigress.

"Ah, so you did like his noodles," mused Viper.

"What?"

"He asked me to ask you if you liked his noodles."

"I don't know what you are going on about."

"You vanished for a little while, and now I think I know where you were. He didn't have Doufu, so he gave you a free bowl of noodles instead, didn't he?"

"That's ridiculous!"

"I tasted the Dofou in the broth when he gave me some to wash the gunpowder out of my mouth."

"The next thing you know, _you'll say I like him or something!_"

"Now where would I ever get an idea like that? A tigress who came here from an orphanage where her childhood was lonely? A place where she was never loved? Where her strength and ferocity frightened the other children and adults so she was never adopted? Why would I ever get the idea she might like someone who helped her out without any expectation of repayment or even a 'thank you'?"

"Why are you bringing this all up _now_, Master Viper?"

"Why don't you ask Po? He's awake now."

"WHAT?!" said Tigress as she turned to see Po was sitting up now, and looking right at Tigress.

"Uh... hi there?" he asked awkwardly.

She leaped onto the end of the cot and grabbed two handfuls of the loose skin around his neck. "NEVER tell ANYONE about what you just heard!" she threatened, "Or I'll remove your... I'll rip out your... JUST DON'T TELL ANYONE, OKAY!?"

"Uh... sure?"

"And the noodles were... good. Thank you... Far too fancy and decadent to eat every day..."

Viper crawled over and used her tail to give Po a small bag.

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's my allowance for the last year," she replied, "All the silver I have to help replace your Noodle Cart that was lost to the terrorist's bomb attack."

He tried to give the money back to her as he said, "You don't have to. Your gratitude is more than enough for me."

"I insist," she replied, "Think of this as a down payment on future business."

"If you're sure... then thank you so much."

Master Viper smiled. Po stuck the money bag behind his back and down into his trousers.

"You don't belong here," said Tigress as she looked over Po.

"Tigress!" snapped Viper, "There's no need to be rude to him!"

"But it's true," she replied, "The Jade Palace was made for the greatest practitioners of Kung Fu the world has ever seen. These walls have heard secrets that have never been heard anywhere else. I don't think he's trained a day of Kung Fu in his entire life."

"I was too busy selling noodles with my dad to train for Kung Fu. I'd live for the right to train here in the glories of the Kung Fu Masters," said Po softly.

"Would you die for Kung Fu too?"

"In a moment's notice."

"Too long," she replied, "I'd die for Kung Fu with a second's notice."

"Tigress!" snapped Viper, "That was a totally unfair thing to say!"

"Why?" asked Tigress, "If I wanted him dead, he'd be dead in less than a second. How is he supposed to even think about saving the Valley of Peace from its enemies like the Croc Bandits, Tai Lung, the Scorpion or Fenghuang?"

"No one becomes a Master overnight."

"I was supposed to be the Dragon Warrior! My whole life since I came to the Jade Palace was to train to be the Dragon Warrior! I was supposed to read the Dragon Scroll!"

"Well don't blame Po!"

"I'm just so furious, I could... I could..."

Without even thinking about it or even looking, Tigress threw a punch at Po. But when she saw the wide eyed stare from Viper, she turned her head and looked. Po had managed to catch Tigress' fist, and it didn't even look like he tried very hard.

"Can't we just all get along here?"

"**My fist can split tree trunks**," she asked in dismay, "**How could you have possibly caught my punch?**"

"Perhaps Po has a greater knack for learning Kung Fu than anyone knows?" asked Viper softly.

"I'm sorry," he said back, "I didn't want to ruin anyone's parade. It hardly seems possible that I'm the Dragon Warrior... _even to me!_"

"Master Viper is right," sighed Tigress, "It's not... fair of me... to blame you for an accident. You've been nothing but kind to me."

"My Dad once said, 'The best way to beat an Enemy is to make them into a customer'," he said.

"Your father sounds wise," said Master Viper.

"A bit greedy, but wise. He's been good to me all these years."

"_Maybe you're the one who likes him_," sniffed Tigress.

"I don't know what you're talking about," replied Viper.

"He saved you from fireworks poisoning. A Viper. Most people are scared to death of Vipers. They think they'll bite and poison anyone for NO REASON whatsoever. But Po's not afraid of you at all. He likes you as much as any of us."

"_You know I have no poison_."

"Most people don't think enough to even ask."

"I don't care," said Po, "You're TOTALLY AWESOME because YOU'RE WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE! I have your Limited Edition Action Figure with 30 Points of Articulation!"

"Really?"

"_I've had it for years now!_"

"Level of maturity," muttered Tigress, "Check."

"Oh Tigress," he sighed, "I have your Super Limited Edition 25th Anniversary of the Jade Palace Kung-Fu Grip Tigress!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"I'm so TOTALLY serious! That one stays closest to my cot at night!"

"Too much information!" moaned Tigress.

Viper just giggles to herself.

"Look," he said, "I need to get back to the Noodle Shop so my Dad won't worry about me."

"You must be a good son," sighed Viper.

"I try," he sighed, "but I'd rather practice Kung Fu than serve noodles."

"Well, you never know."

"Yeah," he sighed with a little smile, "I guess so..."

… That night back at the Noodle Shop ...

Po awoke to something small and red on his chest. It had pincers, three pairs of legs, two pairs of eyes, and one long and wicked looking stinger. She was giving him the nastiest of glares.

"The shop is closed," he said with a yawn, "can't you come back tomorrow?"

"You fool!" she snapped, "I'm a Scorpion! I'm Qiong Qi! _Aren't you scared?!_"

"No."

"_Aren't you worried I'm going to poison you?!_"

"If you just wanted that, you would have killed me in my sleep already."

"Hmm, I guess you're smarter than you look."

"Gee thanks."

"That was sarcasm, fool."

"Gee thanks."

"But you're right about one thing," she continued, "I'm not here to kill you. Instead, I'm using my mind control poison on you. You'll do everything I'll tell you and like it. I'll hide out here in the shop until it's safe to leave town."

"You don't need mind control poison to make me help you," he replied, "I'd do that anyways."

"But you'll just rat me out to the authorities at the first chance!"

"Why?"

"I... I don't know," she answered, "There's probably a big reward on my head by now. I mean, I'm almost universally despised in the Valley of Peace!"

"Why?"

"Because I was once the best herbalist in the Valley of Peace! People came from all over to get my medicinal mixtures!"

"What happened?"

"One day, I got bad herbs. I think they may have even been cursed. Instead of easing pain, they made people into mindless slaves for a week or so. Even though I brought it to everyone's attention, and I tried to explain, THEY ACCUSED ME OF DOING ON PURPOSE! THEY ACCUSED ME OF A PLOT TO CONTROL THE WHOLE VALLEY OF PEACE!"

"That sounds crazy! How could you make and distribute that much poison?"

"Well no one bothered to think that hard, now did they?! They just banned me from the Valley for all time! No trial, no evidence, just BYE-BYE SCORPION!"

"That's so unfair!"

"You really think so?"

"Absolutely!"

"You swear you won't turn me in tomorrow or some other time convenient to you?"

"I swear."

"Somehow, you look like you have an honest face, so I'll spare you the poisoning."

"Gee thanks."

"That wasn't sarcasm."

"I know."

"You know, I've hadn't had anything to eat all day. I'm kind of hungry."

"I'll sneak down to the kitchen and make something. Wait here."

"All right."

"This shouldn't take long."

But when Po crept down to the kitchen, Qiong Qi followed stealthily. She was amazed that he didn't run away to alert the authorities. He only glanced into his father's room to make sure he was safe. She had never met anyone who worked so hard to keep his word to her. When she was positive it was a done deal, she slipped back upstairs ahead of Po and 'awaited his return'. He came into the room with a big smile and a bowl of sticky buns he just baked in the kitchen.

"Here ya go," he said as he set down the bowl before her.

She reached in with a claw, plucked on out, and popped it in her mouth. "Well, that is quite tasty," she said admiringly, "I take it you've done this a long time?"

"As long as I can remember."

"So, is that goose really your father?"

"Well yeah."

"It doesn't strike you even the littlest bit that you're a Panda and he's not?"

"No. Should it?"

"Did you even know your mother?"

"No, I don't think I remember her at all."

"I see," she replied as she ate another bun, "Well all I have to say is that _someone_ is not being honest with you. One of these days, you have to go forth and find out the truth no matter what the cost."

"Will you be alright tomorrow while I'm gone at the Jade Palace?"

"Jade Palace?" she asked.

"Yeah, Grand Master Oogway thinks I'm the Dragon Warrior of all things."

"Oh, I've dreamed of seeing the Jade Palace! You must simply sneak me in there with you!"

"They weren't really keen on me being there alone."

"Who?" asked Scorpion.

"Master Shifu and most of the Furious Five."

"Please," she begged, "I must see them in person!"

"Okay, okay," he agreed, "If you such a big fan, how could I possibly say 'no'?"

'_Yes_', she thought, '_How could you?_' There was evil laughter in her own mind.

"I know," he mused aloud, "I'll pack a shoulder bag with some extra food and drink, and I'll hide you at the bottom of the bag! It's really big, and has a lot of room in it!"

"How clever," she replied, "I can see why you're more useful without the mind control poison."


	3. Chapter 3

Po, the Harem Master

Part 3: Po In the Shadow of an Owl...

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Fenghuang burned with envy as she watched the big, fat and apparently lazy Panda hauling a large shoulder bag up the steps to the Jade Palace.

'_How the hell did he get the respect __**I deserved for all these years?!**_' she thought. She decided she was going to fly down and ask him. He didn't even see her fly up behind him as she thought, '_Hell, I could just kill him right here and now just to piss off the __**Jade Palace fakes!**_'

"An Owl!" said Po in awe as he looked over his shoulder.

"Pardon?" she asked.

"You're an OWL!"

"Nothing get by you, does it?"

"OWLS CAN FLY! They sneak around in the night LIKE A SHADOW OF THE MOON! OWLS ARE SO AWESOME! If I could be reborn, I'D WANNA BE AN OWL LIKE YOU!"

"Flatterer," she mused.

"Oh no, it's just the honest truth! I bet you do KUNG FU too! Am I right?!"

"I've... had a little training..."

"SO AWESOME! Are you here to see the Jade Palace too!?"

"No, I was just here for the Dragon Warrior Ceremony, and I... just wanted to meet the future Dragon Warrior in person... yeah, that's it."

"I was chosen Dragon Warrior... _and I still can't believe it myself!_"

"You don't believe it _yourself?_" she asked in dismay.

"Well sure," he answered, "A bomb blast threw me on stage just as he was pointing. I thought it was a _coincidence_, but he claimed it was the _Universe's choice_."

"So you're moving in to the Jade Palace?"

"I know! It's like a dream come true!"

"Are you staring at me?" she asked with a glare.

"How can I not?!" he asked back, "_You're like AWESOME BEAUTIFUL!_"

"Wow, you really are a flatterer... Look, can I help you carry that bag up to the Jade Palace gates?"

"If it's not a bother or anything..."

"Of course it's not. I'm not really doing anything else, and I have taken weight training."

"Whoa, that's so cool! If I had weight training, I could move ten times as much stuff for my Dad and the Noodle Restaurant!"

"Noodle Restaurant?"

"Well yeah, my father runs a Noodle Restaurant and raised me all by himself."

"Ah, a single parent. You're the Dragon Warrior and you still think of him? How... humble of you."

"Hey, I wouldn't be anyone without my dad," said Po as he transferred the heavy shoulder bag over to the Owl's neck and shoulders. Then he turned back to the monumental task of climbing the stairs as the Owl followed behind.

"Say," he asked as they walked, "My name is Po. What's yours?"

"Oh, my name is not important right now."

"Aw, everyone's name is important somewhere," he replied, "I'm sure you'll tell me when you are feeling up to it."

She softly smiled even though no one could tell. The two of them finally arrived at the Gates to the Jade Palace. He knocked at the door, and to his surprise, he was face to face with Grand Master Oogway.

"Greeting Po," he said, "I apologize for the interruption, but I need you to perform a vital mission before I can start your Dragon Warrior Training."

"Sure thing," said Po, "I understand needs. Perhaps you can show my friend here..." He looked back to see the bag sitting there, and the Owl was no where to be seen. "There was an Owl here just a..."

"It's not important right now, Dragon Warrior," said Oogway, "Please come in for a moment."

"But she was so awesome and beautiful..."

"Some people are shy," he said, "or feel unworthy to cross the border into a sacred Kung Fu Temple like this one."

"I guess so."

Po picked up his shoulder bag and followed Oogway inside.

...

Po couldn't believe that the Grand Master sent him all the way back down the stairs just to meet the Furious Five back in town. He hadn't even realized he had hauled his bag and Scorpion all the way back as well.

"Po?" asked the bag, "Are we in the Jade Palace yet? This is taking forever..."

"We were there for just a second, and then Grand Master Oogway sent me all the way back down to the town for a mission or something."

"Darn-it!" she cursed.

Po walked by a Royal Sedan Chair as he approached the Furious Five. There was also a few cargo litters sitting nearby. They were all attended by goat bucks who were servants judging by their dress and mannerisms.

"Hey, guys and gals!" he called, "How's it going?"

"What are you doing here?" asked Tigress as her eyes narrowed.

"I'm not really sure," he replied, "But Grand Master Oogway said I need to go with you on some kind of really important mission."

"But you haven't even started Kung Fu Training yet," observed Monkey.

"I know," he replied, "It sounds crazy, but I can't argue with a Grand Master either."

"I guess so," said Crane, "I don't think this mission's going to be so hard."

"What is it?"

"Well, we're going to escort this child Princess over there," pointing at the Sedan Chair, "to the King of the Qidan to insure the peace between the Valley of Peace and the Qidan Clan."

"I guess that is important."

"Yeah," he mused, "This is the first time that the Furious Five have _personally_ been asked to go along on the mission by a representative of the Emperor and Empress themselves."

"Well of course," he gushed, "The Furious Five are just so plain AWESOME!"

"Is that your favorite word?" asked Master Monkey.

"Well yes," he admitted, "Yes it is."

"**Why is that Panda here?!**" snapped a familiar voice.

Po turned to see the scowling face of Master Shifu.

"He claims Grand Master Oogway asked him to join us," said Tigress evenly.

"_He hasn't even began training yet! How can he help with this mission?!_"

"I don't know. I've never gotten into the habit of questioning a Grand Master's motives."

"Very well," snarled Shifu, "Since he's here, Mantis, Monkey and Crane go back to the Jade Palace. You three can guard the Valley of Peace while Tigress and Viper,.. and the Panda... are escorting the Princess. In the meantime, I'll meditate and perhaps get some training on the Furious Five who are remaining behind here."

"Wow, you really sound like a smart leader-kind-of guy."

"Thank you... I think."

"**WHY ARE WE WAITING HERE?!**" shrieked a nearby feminine voice from within the box of the Sedan Chair, "**WHY HAVEN'T WE LEFT YET?!**"

"Princess," said another male voice, "We're almost ready to leave now. I swear. It's going to be just a little while longer..."

"**ARE YOU TALKING BACK TO ME?!**"

"Well you did ask a question," observed Po.

"**IS EVERYONE GOING TO MOUTH OFF TO A PRINCESS?!**"

"Hey! What's your problem? He was just being totally respectful to you, and you treated him like he was dirt."

"**COMPARED TO ME, YOU'RE ALL DIRT UNDER MY HOOF!**"

"Stop it, Po," snapped Shifu, "She's a child Princess!"

"Child Princess?" he asked, "Awesome! I'm great with kids!"

"_Now Po_," he warned, "_You should be respectful of the Royals at all times. Never look them in the eye. Never touch them unless it's __**absolutely necessary**__. No matter what happens or what they say, never ever raise your hand or your voice to one_."

Viper came up to Po carrying a long stick in her tail. It was wrapped heavily in leather around the middle, and the ends were capped in dark iron.

"What's this?" he asked her excitedly.

"It's a bo staff," she replied, "The staff is built for battle. Since you haven't started your training yet, I felt you would do better if you had a suitable... beginner's weapon."

"Thanks, Viper," he said happily as he looked over the staff, "_It's so awesome!_"

"We have a lot of Bo Staves in the Jade Palace Armory," she replied with a slight blush, "It's nothing special. There's a whole lot of weapons stored there."

"Oh, this mission is going to be easy-peasy," said Po.

...

"This is NOT easy-peasy! No one said we had to go so far!" griped Po.

"What?" asked Tigress, "You think the King of the Qidan just hangs out near the Valley of Peace?"

"Well why not?"

"Because Temutai runs an Empire," she answered evenly, "and he would like nothing better than to add the Valley of Peace to his list of conquests."

"Well the Furious Five won't let him do that, right?"

"I don't know," said Tigress, "He's supposed to be such a mighty Kung Fu Expert, he can tear people apart without even touching them. Temutai is supposed to be one of the strongest people there are in the whole land. They say his strength is so great, even the largest and mightiest of ELEPHANTS will not wrestle or fight him."

"Wow... that sounds a little scary awesome."

"WELL I'M A PRINCESS!" assured the Princess Mei Li, "HE WOULDN'T DARE MESS WITH THE LIKES OF ME!"

"Confident, isn't she?"

"_Arrogant_ is more like it," said Tigress quietly.

"So she's a little spoiled," he mused back, "I suppose an Imperial child would expect that kind of thing, after all."

"A little spoiled?" griped Tigress, "She's more like _rotten to the core_."

"That's a little harsh, don't you think?"

"Well..."

"SOMEONE GET ME SOME BUNS STUFFED WITH BEAN PASTE AT ONCE!" squalled the pig Princess, "I'M HUNGRY!"

"Not harsh enough," muttered Tigress.

...

Meanwhile, over at the Croc Bandit Lair somewhere off in the Bamboo Forest, Fung was debating with the boys over what they were going to do for the day.

"But Fung," said Gahri, "We promised your mother we'd clean up the weeds in the garden for her today. You know we owe her for letting us use her house as the gang's hideout."

"We need money!" he cried back.

"So you need money, eh?"

All of the Crocs glanced to the window, where they noticed an owl looking back at them.

"Who are **you**?!" asked Fung.

"Oh, my name is not important here," she said smoothly, "but there is a Princess being escorted through the Bamboo Forest now, even as we speak. Not only does she have a _wealth of goods_ with her baggage, but **a Princess is worth a King's Ransom to anyone who can take her!**"

"What do you get out of this?"

"Oh, the **only thing I want is to humiliate the Furious Five!**"

"That's all?"

"Oh, I don't need the money or anything like that."

"You're weird."

"**Do you want to know where the Princess is or not?!**"

"What do you think, boys? Are we going to rob and kidnap a Princess today?"

The Croc Bandits cheered their approval.

"Okay, Miss Nobody Owl. **We're in!**"

"Who's going to fix my garden?" asked a distant voice.

"Mom!" called Fung, "We're busy! We gotta kidnap a Princess and stuff!"

"I promise we'll get to it as soon as we can!" called Gahri.

"Why can't you be a good boy like Gahri?" she asked.

"Because when I'm rich and powerful, I swear you'll never have to suffer being poor again, Mom!" called Fung, "I'll have servants to take care of you every minute and look after your every need!"

"Why can't you just get a job?"

"You know I can't keep a job!" he called back, "No one wants to keep a crocodile around!"

"Because you're lazy and clumsy!"

"No, it's because people are prejudiced against us crocs!"

"Maybe I should just stay back..."

"No, Garry," he interrupted, "We're gonna need every hand on deck if we're going to take down the Royal Guards of a Princess!"

"That's _Gahri_, not _Garry_!"

"Whatever," sniffed Feng.

"There are no Royal Guards," assured the Owl, "Just the Furious Five and the Royal Attendants. They must be traveling fast and light."

"Hey, that will make things a whole lot easier."

"My suggestion is you wait until the sun almost set, and then attack them before they can recover from the day's marching. You can set up an ambush, so all of your men can be relaxed and fresh."

"Wow, that's like a real smart idea."

"Thank you."

"Would you like to replace Garry as my second?"

"While I'm tempted, I just cannot settle down to a life of thievery. I've got too many other things to do before that time comes."

...

The group had been walking for quite some time as the sun began to set. They were just starting that time of the evening where the sun had set, but there was still the afterglow keeping the world lit up. The light began to shift from yellow to orange on it's way to red, and finally to darkness.

"So how are you and the Princess getting along?" asked Tigress.

"It's just a little harder than I thought," who was looking a little burnt and crispy around the edges.

"There's the understatement of the decade. She broke your puppets, spilled your mahjong pieces, mocked your jokes, and she's exploded about a hundred small fireworks bombs _on your head_."

"I like to think of this... as a challenge."

"Yeah, right..."

"I don't know why you're trying so hard to get her to like you," said Viper.

"I just... wanna see that everyone is given a chance..." answered Po, "because deep down, most people... are good natured."

"YOU FACE FUNG AND HIS MIGHTY CROC BANDITS! DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE, AND DROP YOUR WEAPONS!" shouted Fung as he and his Croc Bandits, several of them in number, cut off the road ahead. He adjusted his metal pot helmet in order to look more threatening. When Po looked back, that side of the road was blocked by Croc Bandits, about 5 in number, as well. There was also 3 more Bandits on each side of the road. They were quite surrounded by the enemy. All of the Bandits appeared to be armed with a double-bit ax while Fung was armed with two such axes. Other than Fun'g metal pot helmet, the Croc Bandits appeared to be unarmored.

"WELL WHICH IS IT?!" yelled Po back, "DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE, OR DROP OUR WEAPONS?!" He threw his hands aside to indicate visually that he was questioning the Croc Bandit.

Tigress simply face-palmed herself.

"Okay," said Fung, "I guess that's a _really good question_..."

"HEY!" called Mei Li, "I'M A PRINCESS! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO A ROYAL PERSONAGE LIKE THAT, YOU PEASANT!"

"I'M NOT A PEASANT!" he called back, "I'M A DANGEROUS BANDIT OVER HERE!"

"I ORDER YOU TO BEHEAD YOURSELVES RIGHT NOW!"

There was an awkward pause before he continued, "ON SECOND THOUGHT, JUST GIVE US THE PRINCESS AND NO ONE GETS HURT HERE!"

"HOW ABOUT WE DON'T GIVE YOU THE PRINCESS, AND ONLY YOU GET HURT?!" said Tigress in frustration. She rushed ahead to attack while Viper and Po moved to attack the Croc Bandits in the rear. The Attendants moved closer to the sedan chair to protect the Princess.

"SO IT'S THE HARD WAY!" called Fung, "GET'EM BOYS!" The Croc Bandits rushed into attack from every direction.

Tigress grabbed the head of the nearest Croc Bandit's great ax as she kicked him in the knee. She then twisted the ax out of his hands, and then threw the ax at the Croc Bandit standing just behind him. He just managed to duck aside before the ax split his head open. Tigress crouched down, stepped into the unarmed Croc Bandit and gave him a heck of an uppercut into the lower jaw of his snout.

Viper struck a nerve point in one of the Croc Bandit's knee while Po took a whack at the guy standing next to him with his sturdy staff. The blow from the staff smacked him hard over the head. The knee strike caused the one Croc Bandit to keel over gripping his leg in pain. The other grabbed his head where Po whacked him hard.

"Po!" shouted Viper, "The middle is vulnerable! You have to go back and defend the Princess! I can take care of these jokers myself!"

"You're right," said Po as he turned around and went back. He rushed back to engage all of the Bandits who were attacking the middle, threatening the Princess and her sedan chair. With his iron-shod staff, he laid into the nearest crocodile with a jabbing thrust to the stomach region. In spite of his thick, scaly hide, Po was pretty sure that blow was going to leave a mark.

Tigress waited in a defensive stance while two Bandits stepped into attack. Just before they took a swing at her, she grabbed their snouts at the ends, and used their momentum to slam them into each other rather hard. As the two of them fell down, they dropped their axes as well.

Viper wrapped herself about what passed for a Croc's neck, then used her tail to wrap around his fist and made him punch himself in the face while his buddies looked on. Several blows to the head began to leave him in a state of confusion.

Po decided to distract the Bandits by slamming the heel of the staff into the feet of the Croc Bandits around him. Most of them dropped their axes in favor of holding their foot and hopping around.

Fung decided that he had enough of Tigress, so he decided it was time for him to step up and deal with her personally. Swinging both axes overhead at her simultaneously, he at least made her step back from his furious assault.

Then to his horror, he realized that the Princess had stepped out of the front door of her sedan chair as she yelled, "WHERE'S MY BEAN BUNS?! WHY HAVEN'T YOU IDIOTS CRUSHED THESE THUGS FOR ME YET?!"

The closest Bandit grabbed her as she screamed at him, "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH THE ROYAL PERSONAGE! UNHAND ME AT ONCE!" She was barely larger then his arm was, and crocs were known for having fairly small arms compared to the length of their bodies.

Po jabbed the croc low between the legs to make him cringe and let go of the Princess. He threw her up into the air as he called out his pain. Normally Po would not take such a cheap shot, but he was badly outnumbered, and a little girl was suddenly in danger. He extended the staff to neatly catch her on the end as if it were an improvised seat.

The five Bandits around him rushed in to attack, so he shouted, "TIGRESS! I CAN'T DEFEND THE PRINCESS! CATCH!" He flipped the Princess forward hoping that Tigress had in fact heard him and she was able to take the split second needed to grab her.

But a shadow flashed overhead and the Princess seemed to disappear without a trace. It was a bird-shaped shadow moving at incredible speed. Tigress and Viper managed to see it as well.

"FENGHUANG?!" cried a distressed Viper, "WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?!"

"This attack was too coordinated," replied Tigress, "SHE HAD TO HAVE SET UP THE WHOLE ATTACK HERSELF!"

"Hey!" answered Fung, "She just told us where to find you! The rest was ALL US!"

The Princess cried out as she was carried away, "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH THE ROYAL PERSONAGE! UNHAND ME AT ONCE!"

The Owl laughed madly as she said, "Unhand you at once! Sure, I'll let you fall to your death, you little spoiled brat!"

"I COMMAND YOU TO LAND THIS INSTANT AND RELEASE ME!"

"I'm a Kung Fu Master, **you foolish little idiot**, and _I don't have to take any orders or any grief from the likes of you!_"

Her Royal screaming demands slowly faded as she was carried off into the distance.


	4. Chapter 4

Po, the Harem Master

Part 4: Po Under the Hoof

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

The Princess was just kidnapped by an Owl, and they were still fighting for their lives against the Croc Bandit ambush all around them.

"Why did you throw the Princess?!" asked Tigress angrily.

"HEY!" he answered, "I didn't know they had air force on their side!"

"I don't think anyone could have known that!" shouted Viper.

"We'll get the Princess back! The Owl flew off directly to the north!"

"HEY!" shouted Fung, "You still haven't dealt with the Croc Bandits, you know!"

"You're on our to do list! We'll get to you as soon as we can!"

"What are we still fighting for?!" asked Gahri.

"We're the Croc Bandits!" shouted Fung back, "We're fighting for... We're fighting for... Darn it, Garry!" He flung his pot helmet to the ground at that point. "You made me lose my mule train of thought over here!"

"EVERYONE STOP FIGHTING!" shouted Po, and oddly enough, they all did.

"What is it?" asked Fung.

"You can take two of the cargo litters and whatever you can stuff in them," said Po, "as long as you leave us some food, some water, and don't hurt any of the attendants."

"Just because we're Bandits doesn't mean we're cruel or anything." He looked around and realized that his men were losing the fight anyways, so he added, "We accept your terms, Panda... whatever your name is..."

"Oh," he replied, "I'm Po. It may sound hard to believe, but I was just chosen to be the Dragon Warrior. Isn't that so cool?"

"I don't know," confessed Fung, "I somehow thought the Dragon Warrior... would be kinda taller or something."

"If he's the Dragon Warrior," shouted Gahri, "HE COULD HAVE DESTROYED US ALL BY NOW AND NOT BROKEN A SWEAT!"

"Really?" He called the Bandits closer and said quietly, "Quick, stuff those cargo litters with the good stuff and let's get the heck out of here before he changes his mind. No one insults anyone on their side no matter what they say to you. If they talk to you, make your answer short and respectful." They huddled closer as he finished, "We can't give the Dragon Warrior any reason to take us out. He's just playing with us to see how smart we is."

"Are," said Gahri.

"What does 'R' have to do with anything?"

"Nothing," he replied.

They all nodded. Since they were mainly after goods, there was only a little room left for food and drink, so the Kung Fu Masters, Po and the attendants were left with the majority of it. What food they did take, however, was the best of the best. The alcohol alone would have a high resale value on the Black Market. They also stole all the silk finery like the napkins, as well as all of the finest silverware utensils, pots, gravy boats and the like. And they took all of the fine Chinaware as well.

"Excuse me?" asked Po of Fung.

"Yeah?"

"Could you be a pal and leave us one teapot and one kettle?"

"Uh, sure," he answered as he shoved a teapot and a kettle into Po's hands.

"Thanks."

Po was the only one who waved goodbye as the Bandits ran off with their spoils.

"You know you're just encouraging them?" asked Tigress.

"Oh no," he said, "They got enough stuff to last them for years. Years they won't be spending robbing people along the road."

"You know, I think you may have a point there," said Viper.

"It's not like the Empire just can't replace this stuff. The Princess, on the other hand, cannot be so easily replaced. We have to focus on getting her back from the Owl."

"For a guy who worked at a noodle shop, you seem to have a pretty good grasp of strategy."

"Gee thanks, Viper. That's high praise from a Kung Fu Master like you. The problem is, they attacked just as it was turning dark. We can't follow the Owl in the dark, and we certainly can't fly. There's no way to follow them until morning, and who knows just how far that Owl will have flown away from here by then."

"I'm a tiger," said Tigress, "We see well in the dark."

"We can't let you run off by yourself!"

"I can take care of myself!" she answered hotly, "I'll follow as best I can, and come back here in the morning to tell you where Fenghuang went off to."

"By the way, who is Fenghuang?"

"Before the Furious Five, and before Tai Lung, there was another Five assembled under Grand Master Oogway," began Viper, "and the greatest among them was Fenghuang. She could perform the Seven Impossible Techniques, just like then Master Oogway could. But her peerless talent was matched by her bottomless ego. She felt she should lead. That everyone should bow to her prowess."

"Wow, this won't end well."

"It didn't. She challenged Oogway for the right to rule. It was a legendary battle that lasted for a full week without a break. Oogway then revealed that while they fought, he had an inescapable prison of iron forged for her. He was simply playing her for time. When she realized what he had been up to, she broke off the fight, fled, and has not been seen anywhere near the Jade Palace since then. She will not move against the Valley of Peace as long as Grand Master Oogway lives."

"I guess the same doesn't apply to the Furious Five, huh?"

"No," said Tigress, "It doesn't." She turned and ran off into the dark after the Owl and the Princess.

The rest set up a camp, and went to sleep. It was lucky that most of the Attendants' camp gear was considered too 'low class' to be stolen by the Bandits. They were able to cook up some food for all of them, and had a little rice wine to drink as well.

After everyone was asleep, Po got Scorpion out of his shoulder bag to make sure she was fed, watered, and could slip away to relieve herself as well. The Attendant that was watching the camp was not trained as a guard, and therefore not all that alert.

But while Scorpion was gone, something happened. Po glanced over to the other side of the tent and noticed that Viper was not doing well even though she was right next to a lit oil lamp. She did not look comfortable.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"It's just a little cold over here," she replied, "Snakes have a little trouble dealing with the cold, you know. I can't... sleep very well."

"Well come over here," he said, "I've got room in my bedroll, and I've got plenty of body heat to share with you."

"You don't mind having a snake sleep with you? Not even Master Tigress or Master Monkey would let me share a blanket with them let alone a sleeping bag."

"You're with the Furious Five. I know you won't do anything dishonorable."

"Wow, you're just about the sweetest guy I've ever met," she said with a slight blush as she crawled over to Po and his sleeping bag. Poking her nose under the edge, she crawled out of view. He could feel her coiling herself as she settled down on top of his stomach.

"Good night, Viper," he said with a smile.

"Good night," she replied softly.

When Scorpion returned, he hushed her with a hand gesture and guided her back into the shoulder bag without getting out of his bed roll. While she wasn't exactly sure what was going on, she simply did as he wanted without question. She was pretty sure that being quiet had something to do with it.

...

When morning came, Po and Viper set out after Tigress after a brief breakfast of tea and biscuits. Po managed to slip a few to Scorpion as well. Tigress had not come back anytime that night, and now they were worried about her being out alone in the dark with a rogue Kung Fu Master hanging around.

They trudged through the Bamboo Forest as they followed the obvious signs that Tigress had left behind. It was lucky she was in a hurry, because neither Po nor Viper were qualified trackers. Po suddenly stopped as he noted, "I think I hear something up ahead."

"Me too," said Viper, "We need to sneak closer and see who it is."

They nodded to each other as they moved ahead stealthily. What they saw when they got to a clearing left them feeling cold, as they saw Tigress hogtied to a cluster of bamboo trees. She was stripped down to a loincloth, and her mouth and muzzle were tightly gagged as well. The child Princess was tied to a separate tree, gagged, but not stripped like Tigress was.

When Tigress saw then, she desperately tried to warn them, but it all came out as "MMMPPPHHH! MMMMMM! MMMMMM!"

But Viper was already rushing towards Tigress to untie her. Po was falling behind because he was just the slower of the two. A shadow flashed by, intersecting Viper in the middle of a leap, and it sent her flying into a nearby bamboo tree which splintered under the force of the blow. The Owl circled around to strike again, but Po got in the way and blocked Viper with his own body. While he was struck very hard as well, he did not move because he was large and weighty.

"**Leave Viper alone!**" he called after her.

Viper realized that Po may well have just saved her life. But she was badly winded from hitting the tree, and she was in no shape to fight.

The Owl circled and attacked Po from the back this time. She lashed out at the place his shoulders met his neck, and the force of that blow knocked him down onto his face. His staff fell from his hand as he hit the ground. As he staggered back to his feet, she mocked him as she called, "Stay down, you fat weak fool! You can't beat the Great and Powerful Fenghuang!"

"**It doesn't matter what happens to me**," he called back, "**I can't let you hurt anyone else!**"

Viper and Tigress knew that he was talking about them as much as he was talking about the Princess.

She stopped in front of him, and said, "Then die, fool! THUNERING WIND HAMMER!" She flapped her wings and launched a green energy blast at Po he doubted he could have dodged even on his best day. It slammed him back onto his back.

He gasp and sat up again as he said, "Wow! One of the Seven Impossible Techniques: The Thundering Wind Hammer!

"**Damn you!**" she cursed, "**How can you survive that blow?!**"

"Uh, the curse of the Noodle Shop?"

"**Well, when I build up this Mongolian Fireball, there's no way you'll live through that!**" She landed, and a glowing ball of burning energy began to build up between the ends of her wings she had cupped like hands. But a small vial burst against her wing, releasing a cloud of green dust and gas. Most of the stuff was waved away, but there was enough to make the Owl cough and gag.

"**Not if Scorpion, the Master of Poison has anything to say about this!**" called the small red scorpion from nearby as if she had appeared from nowhere.

"**Damn you!**" shouted Fenghuang, "**Why the hell does this matter to the likes of ****YOU****?!**"

"**Because you hurt the Dragon Warrior, and he's MY FRIEND! No one hurts a FRIEND of the SCORPION with IMMUNITY!**"

"Quiong Qi, the Scorpion, _has a friend_?" she asked mockingly, "How amusing. I'll let you go for now, Dragon Warrior, but I'll be back to get you!" She flew away very fast.

"Why is she leaving?" asked Po.

"Because she has to neutralize the poison I just hit her with," said Scorpion, "Even with her Legendary status as a Kung Fu Master, she isn't immune. She's holding up much better than someone with no Kung Fu Training at all, but still..."

"Wow Scorpion," he said as he picked her up, "That was SO AWESOME!"

"Shouldn't you being untying the tiger and the little pig over there?" she asked.

"Well, you have those sharp pincers," he replied as he carried her over to Viper, "They'll cut the ropes a whole lot faster."

"Oh, I see," she answered.

He put Scorpion on his head, and then he put Viper around his neck as he trotted over to Tigress and the Princess. Viper and Scorpion exchanged glances at each other, but nothing was said between them. The Princess was cut loose first, and then Tigress was. She seemed so relieved once she could... well... relieve herself. But removing the gag was also a big relief.

"Anyone see Tigress' clothes?" he asked.

"Fenghuang told me she tossed them over the nearest waterfall," scowled Tigress, "I'm sure that they miles and miles down river by now."

"Wow," said Po as he reached for his own trousers, "That's just... rude. Let me give you my..."

"No!" snapped Tigress, "They're... they're way too big for me. I'll be fine like this."

"Aren't you cold?"

"No, I've spent hours and hours meditating under a freezing cold waterfall. I'll be fine." Tigress spent a moment flexing and testing herself. "_Damn her_," she added with a scowl, "She cut my strength by hitting my pressure points. Otherwise I could have got out of those ropes and slipped away while she was gone."

"I can fix..." began Viper.

"No! I'll fix this myself! I don't need anyone else!" She began using her claw to press her own pressure points, causing her to wince in pain.

"It's better if someone else..."

"I can do this!"

Viper just watched Tigress poking herself.

"By the way," added Tigress, "_I didn't need help_. I was just waiting for the right moment when I could get the Princess away. She didn't have to pay for my mistakes."

"Of course," said Po with a wink, "We know that Master Tigress can take care of herself."

But the Princess had come around and hugged Po's leg. She seemed like a completely different person when she said, "Thank you for saving me! I promise you a huge reward of..."

"Princess, Princess," he cut her off, "The Dragon Warrior does not work for rewards."

"_You risked your life_, and you don't want a reward?!" she asked bordering on shock.

"That's right," he said, "I saved you because I like you!"

"**You like me?**" she asked, "_No one really likes me!_ I'm mean and spiteful! People are like doormats to me! I'm bossy and pushy! If I weren't a Princess, no one would like me at all!"

"People would like you if you just gave the whole Royal Attitude a rest, and let them like you."

The Princess buried her face in his thigh and cried. Po picked her up and carried her in his arms as he said, "Let's get you back to the Attendants. I'm sure they're all worried sick about you."

"You really think so?" she sniffed as she cried.

"Yes, they were besides themselves with worry."

"I guess there's no more point in hiding," said Scorpion.

The group got back to the Attendants, who seemed surprised that there was a Scorpion on Po's head, a Viper around his neck, and the Princess in his arms. The Princess was actually smiling and joking with the Panda as they walked. Something they could never remember seeing from her before. They also couldn't help but stare at the all but naked Tigress, but they managed to dig out an old red linen cloak from the servant's clothes that they were all too happy to give her.

"Well, there's no point living in the past," said Po, "Temutai is waiting."

They gathered what was left, packed it up, and set off in the sedan chair as well as hauling what was left of the cargo litters. Being down two cargo litters, the rest had extra carriers, so they moved along just a little faster than before.

When they finally came to the castle of the Qidan, it looked more like a castle that had been ruined in battle a long time earlier. But there was scores of water buffalo warriors everywhere. They were really hard to miss. They all carried around a really large iron weapon with them as well, ranging from double bit axes to spiky morningstars to smashy hammers.

But the biggest of them all was sitting on his bare throne of stone, and he didn't appear to be too happy.

"YOU ARE LATE!" he scowled, "AND I DO NOT LIKE LATENESS!"

"Well," said Po, "There was Bandits, a rogue Kung Fu Master, a kidnapped Princess to rescue, we had to get a lot of our stuff back..."

"AND I DON'T LIKE EXCUSES!"

"Wow, are you really that loud all the time, because I'd be totally..."

"ENOUGH CHIT-CHAT! WHERE'S MY PRINCESS?!"

"Uh, _your Princess_?"

"YES! **THAT IS THE DEAL!** THE PRINCESS BECOMES MY SLAVE FOREVER, AND I WILL NOT WAGE WAR AGAINST YOU FOR SIX YEARS!"

"Wow, that is a really one-sided deal..."

"TOUGH COOKIES! JUST HONOR THE DEAL AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"Just leave me here with him," said Mei Li, "We have to honor the bargain."

"Just how many Princesses have you taken?!" asked Po.

"THIS MAKES SIX!.. OR SEVEN!.. IT DOESN'T MATTER!"

Po happened to notice another, older pig looking fearfully from behind the thone. Mei Li had noticed her as well. She looked dirty, ill feed, and poorly clothed as well.

"SISTER?!" asked Mei Li.

"You have a sister?" asked Po.

"Sure, she vanished six years ago. They said that she died in a wild animal attack on the way home from the peace talks with Temutai. There was no body because they had to bury what was left of her at the site of the attack."

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT LIES YOU TELL EACH OTHER!"

"Look, King of the Qidan, why don't you choose one of your biggest and baddest warriors, and we fight for the Princesses! If I win, we take the Princesses back and you keep the peace!"

"WHAT DO I GET IF I BEAT YOU?!"

"Well, you get the Princess of course, the ONE AND ONLY Dragon Warrior as your personal slave forever, and for a limited time only, you get Master Tigress, Master Viper, and Scorpion, the Master of Poisons! How can you beat a 5 for 1 deal like that?!" He stepped over and removed Tigress' cloak with a flourish, and even the King of the Qidan couldn't help but stare at her fine form. She was too busy glaring at Po, wishing she know the _Looks That Kill Technique_, but fortunately, she didn't. She and Scorpion looked at Po like he was NUTS, but Viper smiled as if she knew better and she believed in him.

"I ACCEPT YOUR TERMS! FOR MY WARRIOR, I SHALL FIGHT YOU MYSELF!"

They couldn't believe when Temutai pulled himself to his full height, which was nearly twice the size of the Dragon Warrior himself. And it all looked like heavy muscles and large thick bones. He towered over them all like some kind of mythic giant.

"Wow, you look really awesome," said Po quietly.

Temutai wasted no time in striking with his massive fist, but it was only the ground that splintered because he struck where Po was standing.

"For being such a good audience," said Po with a smirk, "Here's the parting gift: The Dragon Warrior Home Game!"

"What is he babbling about?" asked Tigress.

"I have no idea," said Viper and Scorpion as one.

"This Edition is called the **Thundering Wind Hammer!**"

By copying Fenghuang's movements perfectly, he fired the Impossible Thundering Wind Hammer Attack right into the gut of Temutai, who was sent flying backwards at least a full mile through his own stone throne, several fat stone columns, and at least one 10 yard thick stone wall.

Everyone else was totally dumbfounded.

The sister ran out and hugged Princess Mei Li. She looked so happy and relieved. It was about then that they realized a little water buffalo child was tied to her back.

"SIS?!" she asked, "Did he?! I mean?! How could he?!"

"Yes," answered the older sister, "The baby is his. He raped me. I couldn't stop him. He was my master, and so much stronger than me. I wanted to die, but he wouldn't let me have the honor of taking my own life."

"It's time to go home," said Po, "There's no shame in doing what you had to to survive. Bring the baby along too. It's not his fault who his father is."

"It's a little girl," she answered, "but you're right. Temutai wanted a male heir, but he hasn't got one yet. Not from me. Not from the girls who came before me."

"I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!" roared Temutai as he staggered back. But then one of the columns he broke on the way out collapsed and fell on him, leaving only his muzzle sticking out as he said more softly, "Okay, it's a draw... You can take the Princesses and go, and I will keep the peace..."

"Awesome!"

…

Scorpion looked really nervous as she stood before the Grand Master Oogway. Master Shifu was just standing behind and to his right. They were all together in the Hall of Heroes, except for the two Princesses, who were sent back to the Imperial Seat to be rejoined with their parents.

"So the Dragon Warrior says you were treated badly?" asked the tortoise, "That you were banished for a crime you didn't commit? That you would like to live in the Valley of Peace once more?"

"Yes," she said, "It's all true."

"If the Dragon Warrior himself shall take responsibility for you," he said slowly, "Then I hereby lift the banishment of the Scorpion."

"That's sweet!" said Po.

"Then you don't mind having Scorpion live with you until a more permanent arrangement can be made for her to live?"

"Yes!" he said, and then paused to say, "Say what?"

"Master!" said Shifu, "_You can't be serious!_ We can't have the Scorpion running around the Jade Palace like this!"

"_I might be a little forgetful at times_," he said to Shifu, "_Who's running the Jade Palace?_"

"Uh, of course **you** are."

"Then Scorpion can come to the Jade Palace as she pleases."

"Grand Master Oogway?" asked Master Viper, "May I speak freely?"

"Of course you can," said Oogway.

"We ran into Fenghuang, there was a bit of a fight, and Po was able to perform the THUNDERING WIND HAMMER Attack after seeing her do it just ONCE!"

"The _Thundering Wind Hammer_?!" asked Shifu in dismay, "That fat Panda did **that?!**"

"That's very good," said Oogway, "_The true potential of the __Dragon Warrior_."

"Not even Tai Lung could learn the Thundering Wind Hammer," said Shifu in shock and dismay.

"What else did we miss?" asked Monkey.

"Well, there was this fight with Temutai, King of the Qidan where Po just kicked his ass all over the place. And the kidnapping of the Princess. And the part where Tigress was stripped and..."

"WE DON'T NEED TO TELL THEM ANYTHING ELSE!" snarled Tigress.

"I dunno," said Po, "I think Tigress looks awesome beautiful in just her... OOF!"

Tigress kicked Po in the stomach to shut him up.

"I am sure that will all make an amusing legend," said Master Oogway, "but now it's time for the _Dragon Warrior's training_ to begin in earnest."


	5. Chapter 5

Po, the Harem Master

Part 5: Po At Master Shifu's Displeasure

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

"So you get to handle my Dragon Warrior Training, huh?" asked Po, "It's such an honor to be trained by someone as important as you."

"Well the Grand Master needs to be alone," said Shifu, "He needs time to continue his meditations about what we should do about Tai Lung, and when he's going to break out of Chohr-Gom Prison. I just want you to know that just because Grand Master Oogway believes in you does not mean that I believe in you."

"Say what?"

"Here's a little test," he said as he grabbed Po by the pinkie, "and you've failed already."

"That the _Wuxi Finger Hold_!" exclaimed Po, "Developed by Master Wuxi in the third century!"

"Well, you know something about this hold, do you? Then tell me how you get OUT of this hold alive and I'll let you go."

"It's a trick question. Once you're in _this_ position, it's way to late to get out."

"Very good," he answered, "And you're completely right. You know what? You're in the exact same position right now. Master Oogway may be convinced that just because you did the Thundering Wind Hammer Technique on a fluke, that somehow justifies that you are the one and legendary Dragon Warrior. I don't think that's right at all, and I'm still willing to give you a big, fat bag of silver coin right now to call of this whole mistake and just go home right now. You can take your new, sickening little Scorpion friend with you."

"Hey!" he said, "Oogway pardoned her. He said she was innocent."

"_Just because you said she was innocent, and that's only because she said she was innocent! But a scorpion never tells the truth, you clown!_"

"Racist much?"

"_Speak to me with more respect, __**you clown!**_"

"Fine," he groaned, "Sorry to have disrespected you... _somehow_."

"Well, if Grand Master Oogway wants me to start your Dragon Warrior training, I guess we should go over to the Training Hall, don't you think?"

"That would be awesome!"

"We'll just see about that, won't we?" mused Master Shifu as he led the Panda across the Jade Palace compound. He stopped at the doorway, and said "The Furious Five are inside right now. I need a moment to speak to them privately before you come in. You understand, don't you?"

"Oh, _Kung Fu secret stuff_. I totally understand."

"Very good, I'll be back in a moment." Master Shifu slipped in the door and closed it behind him. Then he said, "My Furious Five, come over here."

"Yes Master," they all replied as one.

"So what is it?" asked Master Mantis.

"You need to stop training for a few minutes. I'm setting the training hall equipment to the HIGHEST and MOST DANGEROUS level."

"Why?" asked Tigress.

"Because the fat lazy Panda is about to come in here, and I think a good beating from the hall will show him for the fraud he is. Then he can go home, and one of you can be the REAL Dragon Warrior."

"_Couldn't that kill him?_" asked Viper in distress.

"Well if he can take a hit from the _Thundering Wind Hammer_, then the training hall won't kill him."

"I still think the whole thing is dishonorable," muttered Tigress.

"No," scolded Shifu, "Letting that abomination run around and act like he's the Dragon Warrior is being dishonorable! You better not tell him any of this!"

"I shall keep my tongue stilled, Master."

"Good, because if the training hall equipment doesn't make him see the error of his ways, the beating... uh, training you're going to give him sure will!"

"Beating?" asked Viper.

"Yes," he said, "This practice combat must be so real and painful, _I want him to bleed!_"

"No!" said Viper, "I refuse!"

"I refuse too!" said Tigress.

"Please," said Shifu, "As a friend and Master, I'm asking you to do the right thing."

"I can't throw my honor away for that!" said Tigress and Viper as one. The two glanced at each other.

"But he's a _MORON_!" he scowled, "He's letting _SCORPION_ have the run of the Jade Palace!"

"Scorpion saved me from Fenghuang," said Tigress, "I owe her my life."

"I assure you it's all just some trick to get into the Palace and kill us all in our sleep. You know full well she planted the bomb at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony."

"We can't prove anything about that."

"We won't use shameful means to get to a goal, no matter how honorable and good that goal might be," added Viper.

"We won't say anything to Po, _but we will not help you_."

"I understand fully," replied Shifu, "so I shall not punish you in any way for sticking to your honor."

Viper and Tigress bowed to Shifu before they left.

"Hey ladies," said Po as they past him.

The two nodded to him as they passed.

"Is Master Shifu ready to see me yet?"

They nodded again.

"Awesome," he replied, "See ya later."

"Don't work too hard," said Tigress, "The early worm get the bruises."

"The... wha?"

"Oh, it's nothing," she replied.

"She just means we don't want to see the Dragon Warrior hurt himself in training," added Viper.

"Ah... I get'cha," he replied cluelessly. Then he went into the Training Hall.

"Welcome to the Training Hall," said Master Shifu, "The Furious Five have graciously turned over the Training Hall to you so you can get your first training session in."

Po bowed to Crane, Mantis and Monkey as he said, "Thanks guys! You're awesome!"

"I know it looks bad," said Shifu, "but I turned the Training Machine down to the lowest level. You can begin your training over at the wavy rolling log station." He pointed at the rolling spiral poles. Po looked as he added, "All you have to do is walk over them without falling off."

"I... guess... that's... not... too... hard..." said Po as if he didn't quite believe it himself.

He stepped on to the spinning rollers and was promptly thrown into the nearby wall. A groan of pain came from his lips as he left an impression of himself in the wooden planks of the wall.

"Come on, Panda," said Shifu sarcastically, "Even children learners can do that. Try again."

Once again, he stepped on to the spinning rollers and was promptly thrown into the nearby wall. The impression of him in the wall got a little deeper.

"Is this seriously the best you can do?!" asked Shifu, "The Dragon Warrior should be able to do this in his sleep! Are you ready to call it quits yet?!"

"Do this in my sleep, huh?" mused Po.

"What are you babbling about, Panda?!"

He blindfolded himself, stuck his arms out like a sleepwalker, and then proceeded to walk across with no flaws and no mistakes. In fact, the swinging axes that he didn't even know about missed him completely. Shifu and the other 3 of the Furious Five were amazed.

He removed his blindfold on the other side and asked, "How was that, Master?"

Shifu cleared his throat with a cough, and said, "_Adequate for a beginner, but still __**way short**__ of the Dragon Warrior_." He glanced back and took notice that Crane, Mantis and Monkey were all holding signs that said '10.0' on them. They put away the signs when Shifu gave them the 'old hairy eyeball', however.

Next came the 50 armed attack dummies, which were towers of spinning arms made from spiked clubs. The main objective of those was to learn to evade and block attacks from any level and any direction. Often, there would be several attacks simultaneously from multiple directions at multiple levels, thus making them dangerous even on the lowest settings. But at the highest level, the danger of head trauma and internal injury was all too real.

Po mastered the highest setting in less than 30 minutes, thus earning another grudging pass from Shifu. The Furious Five (who were present) were also getting to respect the Panda as the Dragon Warrior.

...

Meanwhile, the Masters Tigress and Viper were sharing a nice hot bath together. That bath was in fact quite large enough to hold at least 5 tigresses, so there was more than enough room for just the two of them. Since there was no men around to stink up the tub with mansweat, they felt free to wallow in rose oil and a mixture of flower petals, like rose, peach, and lotus. It made the whole bath smell nice. To Tigress, it was one of her secret weaknesses that she could never have talked to macho Kung Fu Masters like Crane, Mantis and Monkey about.

Sitting next to the bath was a large tray of Almond Cookies along with a silver tea service consisting of a teapot, a cream boat, a cup of sugar cubes (all made by hand, of course), and four teacups with their own saucer and teaspoon.

"Oh, I just love a good hot bath," said Viper, "It keeps my scales so soft and supple. When it's time to shed my skin, it almost all comes off as one piece."

"It's almost too embarrassing to admit I like smelling like a lady," said Tigress.

"What's wrong with that?"

"There's no Kung Fu Perfume," she sighed, "No Kung Fu Master wants to admit they like how they smell. It's all hard work, sweat and dirt."

"Only because most Kung Fu Masters are _men_. If there was more _women_ Masters, I'm sure there would be a whole line of Kung Fu Bath Products for us."

"You're right, but most women just aren't interested in Kung Fu. It's not seen as being ladylike."

"That's because the women Masters stay too quiet. They aren't willing to step forward and take the credit they deserve for all the things they do for the land and its people."

Tigress popped a Almond Cookie into her mouth as Viper sipped her tea.

"There is nothing quite like a good Oolong tea, is there?" asked Viper as she put her cup back down.

"No," agreed Tigress, "There is not."

"Well, it's time to scrub your back," she continued as she picked up the sponge in her mouth. She coiled around behind Tigress as she washed her behind the ears, her neck, and down her back below the surface of the bathwater. Tigress began to twitch and jerk uncomfortably as she partly stood up in the tub. After a minute or two, she managed to settle down again.

"_Darn it Viper_," muttered Tigress, "I can wash _down there_ myself!"

Viper's head came up between Tigress' legs as she was washing the tiger's washboard abs. Tigress could almost swear Viper was grinning as she looked into the tiger's eyes.

"You're all kinds of tense," said Viper as she rose up, "_Why don't you look into my eyes and relax_?" She was staring into Tigress' eyes as she began to dance and sway back and forth, back and forth.

Tigress found she couldn't break the stare of the Viper as she did seem to calm down and relax. It was really weird how Viper's gaze could have that effect on others. While Viper fixed her gaze, she used the rest of her body to wrap Tigress from her neck to her ankles, and use her entire body to massage the day's stress out of the more massive tiger's body.

"Ah," moaned Tigress, "You make me feel so good. I don't know what I've done to deserve such special treatment."

"You just have to be yourself," replied Viper, "We'll always be the best of friends, you know. When most Masters are men, the ladies have to stick together." Viper uncoiled from Tigress, and then nibbled at the pressure points around her neck and shoulders.

"_I could just melt away into the bathwater_," moaned Tigress.

"Don't worry," she replied, "I won't let that happen."

She removed her head decorations with the tip of her tail as she slipped her head into Tigress' panting mouth. Tigress suddenly stopped breathing as she felt the snake's head in her mouth pressing back towards her tonsils. She also realized with the pressure points Viper hit in her neck and shoulders combined with the 'hypnotic stare', her arms were far to relaxed to try and grab the snake. It was hardly like Viper was choking Tigress or anything, but she never had an idea why the snake would stick her head into the fanged maw of a tiger like that. Her head slipped past the tiger's tonsils and slightly down into her throat do her voice box where she felt a tickle in her neck, and then the snake withdrew from the mouth completely. Viper put her head decorations back on as she smiled softly in Tigress' face.

About then, something black and white with big brown trousers came crashing through the window and into the bath with them. His backside was sticking out of the water until he managed to flip himself over, and it was just about then that Viper was nibbling the pressure point at the end of Tigress' nose.

"HI-GEE-GEE!" he said.

"PERVERT!" called Viper as she tail slapped him stupid.

"CREEP!" shrieked Tigress as she punched him in the face.

Then Master Shifu, Master Mantis, Master Crane and Master Monkey ran into the bath. Tigress and Viper both screamed their heads off.

"We're so sorry!" said Shifu, "Monkey and Crane accidentally kicked Po together through the wall of the training center and apparently all the way over here."

Tiger and Viper thew Po out of the tub, and slammed him into Shifu and the others as Tigress screamed, "GET OUT OF HERE **NOW!**"

They grabbed the Panda and ran away. Just then, Scorpion came into the bath muttering, "I wonder what the flaming hurry the boys were in." She glanced up as she mused, "Oh, it's occupied. Do you think you have room for one more? _I swear I won't poison anyone_." The last part was said with a bit of an awkward smile.

"Sure," muttered Tigress, "Why not? You can't smell any worse than a sweaty Panda."

"You were bathing with the Pan..." she began, but then noticed the gaping hole in the wall just above and behind the tub area, and changed her thought, "Oh, never mind." She simple hopped onto the edge at the other end of the tub, and slipped into the water without hardly making a ripple.

"Men can be such a bother!" scowled Tigress.

"Well, in their defense, it does seem to have been an accident," said Viper.

"Are you feeling tense?" asked Scorpion.

"**No**," said Tigress sarcastically, "**I just love it when big sweaty Pandas fall in the bathtub with me!**"

"Yeah, you're tense. I know a whole lot about acupuncture. This tail isn't only good for delivering poisons, you know."

"That's alright," sighed Tigress, "Viper has been doing acupressure on me for years, and her knowledge of my body is very extensive."

"Well, if you ever want to give someone else a try. Perhaps another practitioner might just give you a whole new relaxing experience?"

"Perhaps some other time."


	6. Chapter 6

Po, the Harem Master

Part 6: Po and The Escape of Tai Lung

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Tai Lung hung around in his supposedly inescapable bonds as the Rhino Guards chit-chat more than a few stories above him.

"Hey, I've heard that Grand Master Oogway has chosen a Dragon Warrior. It's a PANDA."

"Panda?" asked the other, "I thought all the Pandas were dead and gone."

Tai Lung smiles. It was almost time to escape. It was almost time to destroy the one who had ruined his life more or less just because _TAI LUNG WAS NOT CHOSEN TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR_. He would make the fool, whoever he was, suffer before he would die at the Leopard's own hands. It would be right to make Shifu and Oogway suffer for not giving him his due. He at least hoped that this poser would manage to give him a respectable battle before the end came.

"Too bad we spend almost every minute standing around here making sure one little leopard doesn't escape this place," mused the first.

"Hey," replied the second, "We get paid a lot of good silver to watch over someone who is never going to escape."

...

Po finally got back to his room. He felt like he had been run over by a herd of water buffalo followed by a herd of rhino. While Shifu assured him that the training room was set on the lowest level, and that Masters Crane, Monkey and Mantis were 'going easy' on him, the Thundering Wind Hammer hurt him less than they did.

Scorpion was waiting for him when he got there. "Did you have a rough day?" she asked.

"Very."

"Well why don't you lay down on the cot," she said, "And I'll make you feel all better."

Po flopped down onto the cot like a sack of potatoes. He was laying on his stomach. Scorpion scrambled up onto his back. She used her claws to poke him in the back about 2 dozen times from the base of his neck to the base of his tail. He winced at the first few hits, but he seemed to be rather relaxed by the time she was finished.

"You're really beat up," she mused, "What army did you piss off?"

"The Shifu army."

"And Grand Master Oogway put up with this?" she asked incredulously.

"He wasn't there," he answered, "Shifu said he was away meditating or something."

"Well, I think this calls for my full set of acupuncture needles. Give me a minute to get them."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Po's stomach growled while he lay on the cot.

"Well I don't think I like this Shifu. He's an arrogant S-O-B, snobbish and full of himself. Why should anyone be surprised that Tai Lung turned out like he did?"

"Isn't that just a little harsh?"

"_I don't think so_. He's treating you like dirt because he thinks you don't belong in his high and mighty circle of Kung Fu Masters. Oogway is much wiser and kinder. I hope he runs the Jade Palace for a long time, because Shifu would throw my carapace out on the street faster than you can sneeze."

"Oh, I really don't think Shifu's all that bad. He's just a little stuffy and set in his ways. Deep down, he cares a lot about the Furious Five. I'm willing to give him a chance."

"It's lucky one of us is."

She had returned with the acupuncture needles by then. Spreading his arms out, she began loading his shoulders, back, and backside with her jade handled acupuncture needles. There was easily 100 needles in Po by the time she was done.

"Wow," moaned Po, "This is really relaxing."

...

"I've never seen such stamina and perseverance", muttered Monkey, "Po has taken a beating that would have sent Crane crying home to his mommy."

"Hey!" objected Crane.

"Yeah," agreed Mantis, "His stamina alone could make him a Kung Fu Master in the Bear Style of Kung Fu."

"He's just to stupid to know when to quit," growled Shifu.

"I don't think you're being fair to him."

"I'm an excellent judge of character," he snarled, "and I know an inept fake when I see one! He could not even be taken into the Jade Palace as a beginner let alone as the Dragon Warrior!"

"Still, you could get in trouble if the Grand Master finds out what you've been up to."

"_So who's going to tell him?!_"

"Well d'uh, the Universe speaks to him. I sometimes wonder if he sees and knows all."

Shifu pause to consider Mantis' words. "Well I shall accept the consequence of my actions as soon as the Universe tattles on me and Oogway confronts me about it. Until then, it's our _little secret_."

"Do you think Tigress or Viper might squeal?" asked Monkey, "They did seem a more than a bit upset with you earlier."

"No," he replied evenly, "I'm pretty sure I know them well enough to know they aren't squealers. Their loyalty to me has so far been unquestioned."

"Besides," said Crane, "We all know that Master Shifu is Tigress' father in every way but bloodline."

"Wait a minute," said Monkey, "Are you worried your little tigress might be falling for the big soft Panda since he's been chosen as the Dragon Warrior, Master Shifu?"

"**Don't be absurd! Tigress doesn't have time to think about such things, and even if she did, that big fat Panda would most certainly be at the ****bottom**** of her list!**"

"I think someone's just a little defensive..."

"**Don't make me upset!**" scowled Shifu, "**You wouldn't like me when I'm upset!**"

"You just can't take a joke, can you?"

Shifu breathed steadily for a few minutes before answering more calmly, "When it comes to Tigress,.. I can not."

"Sorry if I crossed any lines there."

"No," he sighed, "It's my fault for being too emotional about her. That's why I never openly express any feelings for her. It's not good that a Master and Student are emotionally attached. They have to maintain a good, professional relationship at all times."

"Besides, Tigress just has to know you care about her at some level."

"I suppose you're right about that."

"So has the Grand Master announced when Tai Lung will escape yet?"

"No," said Shifu with a hint of frustration, "The visions are not clear enough yet. But it will be sooner rather than later. He's sure about that much, at least."

...

Tigress and Viper glanced into the Guest Room which had been turned over to Po and Scorpion to use as their own. They were slightly surprised to see Po laying on his stomach with his back full of fine quality acupuncture needles. Scorpion was using her spindly legs to move around Po's back without disturbing the needles she had placed there.

Po looked at him with one eye as he said, "Hey ladies, how's it shaking?"

"I am not shaking," said Tigress, "Why should I?"

"It's a saying."

"So have you come to see how well you beat my Po darling up?" asked Scorpion accusingly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Tigress.

"Oh don't I? I've seen more than enough brutal beatings and thuggish attacks in my day as an herbalist to know when someone's been worked over pretty good. So why don't you just drop the sweet and innocent act?"

"It's not like that," protested Tigress, "It's just that Master Shifu felt Po was ready for a higher level of training, seeing he's the Dragon Warrior and everything. There was only the best of intentions, I assure you. No one wants to see Po get hurt or fail."

"And if you believe that, _then I'm the Empress_."

"Believe whatever you want, Scorpion! We just stopped by to see how Po is doing! Nothing else!"

"You sound a little defensive there, sweetie."

"Well, I get defensive _when my honor is questioned_ by anyone."

"I believe you, Tigress, as much as I believe in Scorpion or anyone else. Your word and your honor mean as much to me as my own. I will always believe someone from the Furious Five."

"Thank you, Dragon Warrior," said Tigress as she tried to hide her blush.

"Do you believe in me, Po?" asked Scorpion.

"Sure I do!"

"I feel so ashamed..." she said in a faltering voice.

"What's a matter?" asked Po.

"I have to say the truth. Back at the stadium... _I blew up your Noodle Cart!_" cried Scorpion as she burst into tears, "I wanted to hurt more people, but I dropped the bomb as soon as I lit it! Shifu is right to hate me! I hate myself!"

"And the only thing that matters is you're sorry you did it," he said softly, "I believe you're truly sorry for what you did, so I forgive you."

"You... don't... _hate me?_" she sobbed, "You have... every right... to hate me!"

"Of course I don't. You shouldn't hate yourself either as long as you always strive to improve yourself. Master Oogway forgave you, and I'm sure he knew what really happened. He knows you're truly sorry and he is willing to give you another chance. I can't do anything less."

Scorpion moved to Po's face, hugged his muzzle with her pincers (gently), and pressed her forehead against his as she released all her pain and guilt in a flood of tears.

Tigress turned away to wipe her eyes.

"There there," said Po, "Let it all out. You'll feel better." Then he said to Tigress and Viper, "Perhaps you should come back later. I think Quiong Qi could use a little... privacy."

"I understand," said Viper, "Let's go, Tigress."

Tigress nodded as the two of them left.

"Oh, and Tigress? Viper?"

"Yes?" asked Tigress as she paused in her egress without looking back.

"Please don't tell that to Master Shifu or the rest of the Furious Five. I'm sure he's just dying to find a reason to banish poor Scorpion again."

"We won't say a thing," she answered as she resumed her exit with Viper at her heels.

...

Grand Master Oogway meditated at the Peach Tree high on top of the hill. He was one with the Universe, seeking answers to the Tai Lung problem they would soon be facing. In the cosmic mix of things, he knew that the Dragon Warrior played a part, but the nature of his actions were still a deep and dark mystery even to one of the greatest Kung Fu Masters of all time.

He pause to asked, "Can I help you, Master Shifu?"

"I want your permission to personally go to Chorh-Gom Prison and make sure that Tai Lung does not escape his confinement there."

"If it will give you peace of mind, then go," he said, "but first tell me how the training of the Dragon Warrior is proceeding."

"Well," said Shify as he coached his words very carefully, "He has vast amounts of stamina and a lot of perseverance. But he's learning Kung Fu slowly. I'm not sure that just being able to endure a beating is all that it would take to beat Tai Lung."

"I understand," he answered slowly, "So before you go, I want you to turn over the training of the Dragon Warrior to Master Tigress and Master Viper."

Shifu almost questioned his Master's wisdom, but then he smiled as he replied, "As you wish."

"I'm glad you didn't question me this time."

"Master, I'm truly sorry that I ever did."

"Good. The Universe knows what its doing, and sometimes it shares that wisdom with me, a humble listener and petitioner."

"I hope some day that the Universe will talk to me, too."

"All you have to do is open your mind and listen to what the Universe has to say. But you cannot do that until you know what true peace of mind and soul is."

"And I'm sorry you'll be long gone before that happens."

"I am sorry about that too, but wherever the afterlife takes me, _I shall know when the day comes that the Universe speaks to you_. It will tell me so."

...

Shifu had gathered the Furious Five in the Jade Palace courtyard with no reason given. They all stood at attention in line as they waited for Shifu to address them. For some reason, he wasn't even mad that Scorpion was resting on Po's head.

"I am leaving immediately for Chorh-Gom Prison to make sure that Tai Lung has not escaped. By the orders of the Grand Master, Master Tigress and Master Viper shall train the Dragon Warrior while I am not here."

"Me?" asked Tigress and Viper as one.

"Yes, the task falls to you. I don't expect you to go easy on him. He must be ready to fight Tai Lung when the time comes, so this mission is of critical importance. Am I making myself clear?"

"Of course, Master!" they shouted as one.

"Very good," he said as he slipped on a small backpack, "This shouldn't take more than... a week or so. I wish you all well while I'm gone."

"Don't you want to take Monkey, Mantis or Crane with you?" asked Viper.

"No," he replied, "I should be just fine on my own. Thank you for asking." He started out the gates, but then paused as he said over his shoulder, "And Tigress? I just want you to know that you've always been like my adopted daughter to me. You're all a little like my own children, but Tigress is the one most close to me. Don't take that for sentiment, it's just the way it is."

Tigress stood even straighter as she said, "Yes Master!" She paused before she said quietly, "Yes, my father. I'll always try to make you proud."

"I can never be ashamed or disappointed in you, Tigress, as long as you believe in yourself as much as I believe in you." He paused again as he added, "None of you better be crying! There's no crying in Kung Fu!"

"Yes Master!" they all said as one.

Tigress turned to Po and said, "Let's go back to the training room. I'm sure you'll do much better now that's you're more familiar with the equipment." And she thought to herself, '_combined with the fact I'm turning the difficulty level way down from what it was last time_.'

"Awesome!" he said practically dancing around, "I feel truly honored that the most trained and honed member of the Furious Five is training me personally! And you're awesome too, Master Viper!"

Tigress blushed slightly at his praise, but she wouldn't let him see.

True to her words (and intentions), Po did much better on the training equipment than he did on the first day. Tigress even had to crank it up a few levels just to keep Po challenged, and that did make her and Viper rather proud of his progress.

Po and the Furious Five came together at one table for dinner that night. The Dragon Warrior surprised everyone by making the family noodle recipe for them. Although she still thought they were too rich, even Tigress came back for seconds. They all wondered how Mantis could pack away more food than the size of his own body, but no one ever bothered to ask him about it.

But things changed after Po slipped onto his cot for the night. Instead of being under it, Scorpion chose to sleep on Po's head. A few hours later, he was awakened when he heard Master Viper slithering into his room.

"Hey Master Viper," he said with a yawn, "What can I do ya for?"

"I'm sorry to impose," she said awkwardly, "but I can't sleep. May I curl up on your stomach again?"

"Are you cold here?"

"No," she replied, "I've had these nightmares about Tai Lung. They seem so real to me. It bothers me to my core. In my dreams... he... he... _KILLS YOU!_"

"Aw," he said softly, "You're worried about little old me?"

"Yes I am."

"Alirght," he said as he lifted his cover, "Come here and curl up. _The Dragon Warrior will beat up all of your dream monsters for you_."

"Thank you so much," she said as she slipped under the cover, curled up on his belly and closed her eyes, "Good night, Dragon Warrior."

"Good night, my little Princess."

Viper opened one eye for a few seconds, and then shut them again.

What they didn't know was that Tigress had followed Viper after she got out of her own cot, and was spying on them just outside Po's doorway. '_Sleep tight, Master Viper_,' she thought, '_If anyone can keep you safe, it's the Dragon Warrior_.' She slipped back to her own room before she was noticed.

The next day, Viper seemed well rested as they all showed up for a sticky bun and Oolong Tea breakfast. Even Scorpion was there making Mantis a little nervous because she had chosen to sit between him and Po.

"Say," he asked, "Any word from Master Shifu?"

"No," said Tigress, "He should be arriving tomorrow at the Prison to check up on Tai Lung. I'm sure he'll send us a message by pigeon courier if anything is wrong there. So let's get right back to the training, shall we?"

"Are you using the training room again?" asked Crane.

"No," she replied, "We'll be in the courtyard all day. It's time for some live sparing with some real weapons, Dragon Warrior."

"Sweet!" he replied.

"_I can't promise you won't get hurt today_."

"And no promises are expected, either."

"I want to watch," said Scorpion who then thought, '_So you won't try to seriously hurt Po again. You'll know my displeasure if I think you're out to hurt him again. Hopefully with that jerk Shifu gone, they won't be so mean to my darling Po_.'

"That's fine," said Viper, "There won't be any Kung Fu secrets today anyways."

"Sweet!" exclaimed Po.

Master Tigress, Master Viper and Scorpion all went out to train or watch Po while the rest of the Furious Five went off to use the training room all day.

...

The days seemed to pass quickly for Shifu as he made his way to the prison. He trekked his way into the Dragon's Teeth Mountains until the Chorh-Gom Prison, one of the greatest prisons ever built, came into view. And it was all for one prisoner than everyone believed they could not execute. It was no code of morals that stopped it, but instead it was just how powerful Tai Lung's Kung Fu was.

He showed his authorization note to the guards at the gate even though he was well known on sight by now. There was many visits to make sure Tai Lung was still safely locked up. Sometimes, they would even let the two of them speak privately for a while. It wasn't like Tai Lung had anywhere to go.

Shifu was half tempted to count the 1,000 armed rhino Prison Guards as he was taken to the elevator that would lower him by ropes and pulleys all the way down the hundreds of feet of shaft that separated Tai Lung from the outside world. But his instincts already had told them that ALL of the Guards were in fact present. The Head Guard came along with Shifu as an escort as well as a Royal Messenger pigeon, because no one was truly allowed to be completely alone at the lowest level with Tai Lung.

But the Head Guard and the Royal Messenger did stay on the elevator platform as Shifu advanced on his former student.

"Here to gloat and rub it in?" he asked in a subdued voice, as part of his restraints even kept his voice down so he couldn't do the Dragon Shout.

"You've heard about the Dragon Warrior then?"

"Yes, I've heard it turned out to be the last Panda in the land."

"He's fat, lazy and won't last long."

"I want to meet him myself," he mused, "to see what all the fuss is about. To give me something to think about other than your betrayal all those years ago."

"**Damn you!**" cursed Shifu, "**You know I ****always**** thought I was training YOU to be the Dragon Warrior! I ****always**** thought you would be the one! But I can't go against the will of Grand Master Oogway, and you damn well know that too!**"

His outburst made the Head Guard look up from his comic scroll for a moment.

"Well, Oogway won't be around forever, will he now?"

"No, he's ancient, and he knows his time is coming up shortly."

"I'm sorry I got so angry when Oogway stole my birthright. I wasn't right of me to kill all those... innocents who got in my way..."

"If it were up to me, I'd say you've done your time by now," sighed Shifu, "I'd say you've repaid your debts to society. You could be reformed once you're outside of this deep and smelly hole in the ground. But sadly, that choice is also never mine to make."

"I know, my former Master," he mused, "and perhaps my future Master. You would take me back as your number one student, right?"

"In less than a heartbeat, I would."

"I assure you, we'll be Master and Student again before you even know it."

"_You can't escape from here, you know_."

"I know, but..." The sentence was not completed. Shifu turned and began to walk back to the elevator once he was sure that the inescapable bonds were still... inescapable.

"Oh," asked Tai Lung, "_How is my sweet Tigress doing_?"

"_Please don't talk like that about someone you've never even met_," answered Shifu curtly, "and she is doing well. Quite well. Her training takes place every day. Another day she lives and breathes for the art of Kung Fu, She will never surpass you, but she is still a Master and may well turn out to be a Grand Master one of these days."

"_I still look forward to the day I can finally meet her in person_."

Shifu shivered at those words, but not because he was cold or anything. He looked at his former student long and hard as the elevator was pulled back up to the surface. What they didn't see was the loose feather from the Messenger that drifted over the edge and down into the pit. But that feather did not go unnoticed by Tai Lung. With a little breath control, he made the feather land on the big toe of his right foot. He would soon be free at last.

A message was composed to be sent ahead of Shifu back to the Jade Palace. Once again, he would make his own journey on foot over the course of another three days.

…

The next day, Tai Lung would escape, leaving half the guards dead and the other half crippled. He began his trek back to the Jade Palace as well. More messengers would spread new of his escape across the land, but Shifu wouldn't know about it until it was too late to do anything about it. He hoped in his heart that the new Dragon Warrior and the Furious Five would all come out to 'welcome him back home'.


	7. Chapter 7

Po, the Harem Master

Part 7: Shifu, the Owl and the Leopard

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po was getting up in the morning preparing for training when he noticed that he had a visitor standing in his doorway. An ancient tortoise leaning on a staff.

"Master Oogway?!" he asked.

"Yes," he replied, "I'm sorry to interrupt your training, but an emergency mission has come up that only the Dragon Warrior can take care of."

"Really? Am I ready for this?"

"I wouldn't send you on a mission if I didn't feel you were ready for it."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," he mused.

"I cannot tell you exactly where you need to go," admitted the Grand Master, "Just the route you need to take. _You will know when you are there_."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Then point me and shoot, Master. I'm loaded and ready to go... after breakfast... and packing a few things... and..."

"I understand," came the reply, "Just come to the Hall of Heroes when you are ready to go."

Po nodded.

He paused, "Oh, and please don't say anything about this to the Furious Five or Scorpion. This is a mission you must do on your own."

Po nodded again.

...

Master Shifu was taking his time coming back to the Jade Palace after making sure that Tai Lung was still securely locked away. It was already the second day of his journey that was soon going to pass into night. He even paused to make a camp on top of a little hill where he could sleep under the open sky and watch the stars. Unpacking a few things, he made tea and ate some Doufu bread to keep himself in good shape. By the time it was dark, the fire was crackling nicely.

"Well well," said a voice from the darkness, "Fancy meeting you out here, Master Shifu."

"Why don't you come into the light," he asked back, "Fenghuang?"

The owl strode rather confidently into the camp, taking a seat on the rock across the fire from him.

"Would you like some tea or Doufu bread?"

"Oh, please. I like my tea with just a few drops of honey, if you don't mind."

"Very well," he replied as he set about to pour her tea, "So what brings you to see me? I already have an idea what that might be."

"Well, if you are thinking, '_Destroy Shifu to get back at Oogway_', then you would be right."

"I thought so, but let's enjoy our tea and bread first."

"Do you want this to be your last meal?"

"It will do."

Shifu brought a wooden plate of bread along with a cup of tea which he graciously bestowed upon Fenghuang.

"Thank you," she replied as she tore into the bread with her beak.

Minutes passed as the two ate.

"You know you're going to die, don't you?" she asked as she finished her bread.

"It seems likely," he replied, "but I think I can make your win come with a heavy price."

"Do you have any last requests?"

"Just tell the Furious Five that I shall miss them."

"Not Grand Master Oogway?"

"I know full well you won't get anywhere near him. I'm sure the Furious Five will relay the message to him for me."

"I see. By the way, drinking your tea slowly won't help. It's not like anyone's coming to save you."

"But I'm not drinking any more slowly than I normally do."

"Very well."

He finished his bread, then his tea, and mused, "Perhaps we should move north about 100 yards. I don't want to mess up my belonging with any stray blasts."

"Even when you're about to die, you're still concerned with neatness?"

"Yes," he replied, "Yes I am."

"Well, I suppose it's nice to be consistent."

He nodded as he walked north, and the owl followed. Master Shifu noticed that they were going to fight each other near a gorge. He could hear a river running through the bottom of it. When he got about 10 yards from the edge, he stopped to turn and face her. By shifting into a defensive stance, he signaled that he was ready to begin.

Stepping aside, he narrowly avoided her first volley of primary feather blades that she had thrown at him as she had thrown her right wing forward at him.

"You're still spry, I see," she observed as she flew up into the air.

"I keep myself in shape."

"Let's see you avoid a Mongolian Fireball!" she shouted as she launched one at him. He stepped aside again, but the fireball as so large and so hot, he couldn't get away without being a little singed on the edges. The grass he was just standing on was burning even though it wasn't all that dry to begin with. Between the darkness and her speed, it was all but impossible for him to see her even though there was a small fire burning next to him. But with her owl eyes, she could all but see him plain as day.

But he did something that the owl was not expecting. He stuck his hands into the fire, and when he pulled back, his hands were sheathed in flame without getting burnt. It was called the Flaming Fists of Fury Technique, and something he never actually had to use in a battle. Shifting back to his defense stance, he waited as he stared into the dark.

"Fighting fire with fire?" she asked from the dark, "Clever, but ultimately futile. There's no way that little thing can match the peerless power of the Mongolian Fireball."

But he wasn't going to try to counter the Mongolian Fireball, but only cast a small fireball of his own in the direction she just spoke from. As he covered his eyes with one hand, the fireball he just threw exploded and released a bright burst of light. For a second, he could see Fenghuang as she covered her eyes with one of her wings. He plucked a rock from the ground and cast it at her, bouncing the rock off her wing where the primary flight bones met.

"Nice try!" she shouted, "But I can still fly and I can still destroy you without breaking a sweat!"

"Then how about a THUNDERING WIND HAMMER?!" shouted someone nearby. She managed to dodge the attack with only losing a few tail feathers in the process. The owl looked down to see that the Panda had just emerged from a grove of bamboo trees.

"What are you doing here, Panda?" asked Shifu.

"Master Oogway sent me out! Important mission stuff!" he called back, "He said I'd know what I'm supposed to do as soon as I see it!"

"How the HELL did you just do a THUNDERING WIND HAMMER?!" she cried in dismay as she turned to face the new attacker.

"What can I say," he replied smugly, "I'm gifted."

"That part still eludes even me," grumbled Shifu.

Fenghuang was so dismayed at the sight that she didn't even notice someone leap up behind her, grab her wings, and simply snapped the main bones from the shoulders. He then grabbed her as they started to fall, and threw he down hard ahead of him. She landed, bounced, and found herself at the edge of the gorge.

"TAI LUNG?!" called Shifu in dismay.

"Yes Master," he replied as he landed next to him, "I told you we would be together again before you knew it. Now what's all this about that big fat Panda over there? He must be something special if he can do the Thundering Wind Hammer."

"**It's just a fluke!**" he snarled back, "**It doesn't prove anything!**"

But Po ran over to Fenghuang. Even though she was a Kung Fu Master in her own right, he could still hear her softly crying her pain. He touched a few of her acupressure points to make her feel less pain, and then used her own sash to tie down her wings to they couldn't get any more injured.

"Well don't they make a cute couple," mused Tai Lung, "Too bad she won't need any of that stuff **when she gets to the next life!**"

"STOP IT!" called Po, "She beaten! She can't fight anymore! Let's just take her back to the Palace where Grand Master Oogway can decide what to do with her!"

"Are you buying this crap?" asked Tai Lung to Shifu, "If Oogway just obliterated her all those years ago, she wouldn't be around to cause trouble now. It would even be just that we KILL HER NOW!"

Master Shifu paused to think, but the matter was taken out of his hands. The ground under the owl gave way as she fell into the gorge, and Po leaped after her. He caught the owl as they fell, and turned so that she was on top of him.

"We're going to die when we strike that huge boulder," she said calmly.

"I don't think so," he called, "It's THUNDERING WIND HAMMER TIME!" The blast of energy was not only strong enough to obliterate the boulder, but left a crater large enough to be flooded by the nearby river as well. The two of them fell into the sudden pool with a large splash.

Shifu and Tai Lung walked to the edge as Tai Lung said, "**Amazing. They're both goners, and we didn't even have to lift a finger to do it.**"

"Yes," said Shifu, "Now Oogway has no choice but to make YOU the Dragon Warrior. The secrets of the Dragon Scroll shall soon be yours."

"Once I'm the Dragon Warrior, I'll reward you for all you years of loyalty to me, my Master."

"I don't need rewards..."

"I know all that!" interrupted Tai Lung, "But I want to show you my gratitude anyways!"

"I... thank you."

The two of them turned to go back to camp. The tea was still warm, and there was some Doufu bread left as well. Shifu was sure that he could go for something other than smelly prison gruel.

...

Po dragged himself from the water, then laid Fenghuang on her back next to him.

"Why did you risk your life to save mine?" she asked, "I was planning to destroy you just to piss off that Oogway."

"Because the Dragon Warrior is about justice, not killing people just to keep myself safe."

"And how did you pull of the Thundering Wind Hammer with no training at all?!"

"To be honest, I have no idea."

"You have to be a MIMIC!"

"A whanow?"

"A mimic! Someone who can learn almost any Kung Fu Technique by seeing it done ONCE!"

"Putting it that way, that does sound pretty awesome!"

She looked around and said, "Great, you saved me just so I can die in this gorge."

"No, I swear I'll save you," he replied as he turned his back to her and stooped down a bit, "I'll have to just carry you out of the gorge on my back. The gorge opens up downstream into the Valley of Peace, and then it's not too far back to the Jade Palace."

"So Oogway can just slap me in that old inescapable prison?"

"We'll worry about that bridge when we get there."

She stepped up to his back, he put his hands under her knees, and she lifted her up onto his back.

"You should rest," he suggested.

"No," she replied, "I'm an owl and we do best at night! Besides... you need my eyes to navigate the rocks and eddies in the darkness down here."

"Well, that is a valid point."

He spent all night carrying the owl back to the Village at the base of the Jade Palace. As the two of them walked, she talked about her excessive pride and how it got her into trouble. She talked about her ego, that wouldn't let her admit she wasn't the best that ever lived at Kung Fu. There was even a talk about how she mastered the Impossible Techniques just to impress Master Oogway. Even when she was fighting against him, she confessed that she was really trying to impress him. When he collapsed at the base of the stairs going up the the Palace, someone stepped out from the shadows to meet him: Grand Master Oogway.

"Grand Master!" said Po, "Have you been here all night?"

"**Come to gloat over a broken owl?!**" she asked as she looked up, "**Come to slap me into your inescapable cell so I can never fly free again?!**"

"No," he replied, "I'm here to see that you get fixed up. Now that Shifu and Tai Lung have run off somewhere together, I guess I need to do a little more around here."

That was not the answer that Fenghuang was expecting. He rolled the owl off Po's back, touched a few pressure points to ease her pain, and then untied and laid her wings out on the ground.

"I suppose Tai Lung can be a little rough at times," mused the Master as he set her wings in splints made from the materials around them. He then touched her wings as his hands glowed with Chi, and she winced in pain for a second. After that, he folded up her wings again and tied them down with her own sash. "You should be right as rain in a week or so," he replied, "Now be a good Dragon Warrior and fetch a few of the larger villagers. We have to carry her all the way up the stairs to _her_ _new room at the Jade Palace_, after all."

"WHAT?!" she asked in dismay.

Po ran off to get help.

"That's right," he mused, "The Dragon Warrior believes in you now, and as long as he's willing to take responsibility for you, I'm willing to let you stay free."

"_How do you know I won't fight you as soon as I'm fit?_" she asked.

"Even if you do, I know in your heart it won't be for the same reasons. Po has the power to change the hearts of others. He can make bad people into good people. Even ones like you. You just have to let Po help you, and see the error of your ways."

"Why do I feel like crying?!" she asked of no one in particular, "I never want to cry!" There was water gathering in the corners of her eyes.

"Because you feel sorry, and you're not used to feeling sorry for anything you've ever done. I guess Po has that effect on people too," he mused back, "but I'm _old and slow_. I better start the climb to the Jade Palace now. We shall see each other again at the Palace." He slowly turned and left.

When Po came back with the others, Fenghuang was crying her eyes out. After watching the villagers carry the owl up the stairs, they put her in an open guest room. Po removed the sash holding her wings so he could replace them with more proper and extensive slings, and then he could put her sash back around her waist for her. He left her lying in her own cot, contemplating the changes in her fate that she just experienced.

He stepped out into the hallway, and almost ran smack into Oogway.

"I know Shifu is good at heart," said the Grand Master, "but he is about to make some grave mistakes he just might regret for the rest of his life very soon. I know you've already learned the Thundering Wind Hammer, the Mongolian Fireball, and the Wuxi Finger Hold, but you still aren't quite ready to battle Tai Lung. I leave that part up to Master Tigress and Master Viper. I must meditate under the peach tree. My time left in this world is short, and I'm not sure I'll live to see the day that Master Shifu is finally at peace with himself."

"What about Tai Lung?" asked Po.

"When the time is right, you will know what must be done."

"I hope so."

"I believe that you will do the right thing, Dragon Warrior. That is why the Universe choose you to be the Dragon Warrior in the first place."


	8. Chapter 8

Po, the Harem Master

Part 8: Po, Mei Ling and the Ladies of the Shade

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po checked up on Fenghuang the next morning after breakfast. He even brought her some tea, sticky buns and rice on a tray.

"Good morning, Master Po," she said softly as she looked down.

"Hey, I may be the Dragon Warrior, but I'm no Master... yet."

He offered her the tea thinking he would have to hold it for her, but she surprised him by taking the clay glass in her foot and drinking it herself.

"Feeling better?"

"If you're talking about my wings, yes. If you're talking about my heart, then no."

"Your heart is injured?!" he asked as he pressed his ear into her breast feathers.

"No, not hurt like that!" she replied, wondering how he could be so clueless, "I meant I have feelings for someone! I've never had feelings for anyone since I left my parents home to learn Kung Fu from the Jade Palace!" She paused before she continued more slowly and calmly, "I was... a natural... you know... a real child prodigy."

"So who's this lucky guy?" he asked as he lifted his head a mere inch from her beak.

"The one who saved my life," she answered, "This guy who risked his life for me even though I've did not do anything kind for him." She looked for a spark of recognition in his eyes, but not seeing any. "He went way out of his way just to help me." Still nothing but a clueless smile. "_IT'S YOU, YOU DOLT!_" Being so close, he could hardly avoid when she pressed her beak against his lips in a deep and passionate kiss.

Tigress stuck her head in the door to ask, "It's almost time to train, Po. So how's our guest doing?.. ACK!"

She saw Po flailing his arms about as the owl kissed him, her talons holding him by the chest against her, and a cup of tea spilled on the floor next to them. Stalking over, she used her strength and her large arms to separate the two of them.

"Po!" she scolded, "We don't really have time for this!"

"Don't blame the Panda," said the owl, "It was my doing and mine alone. I had to express my feelings to the one who saved my life, after all, and he treated me like a lady even though I had done nothing to deserve it... Oh, and I'm sorry about the whole Princess and the tying you up thing..."

Tigress blushed when she remembered how she was all but stripped and tied to bamboo trees when she and the Princess were saved from Fenghuang by the Panda. She shook her head to banish such thoughts as she simply replied, "It's all water under the bridge now." Looking at the blush in the cheeks of both Po and Fenghuang, she realized that they needed to be separated for a while.

"We need to do some _special training_ today," she blurt out.

"I could watch," offered the owl, "After all, I can certainly offer pointers even with my wings stuck in these slings."

"It's kind to offer," said Tigress quickly, "but the special training today is taking place in the village down below, and not up here at the Jade Palace."

"Training down in the village?" he asks, "That does sound..."

"Suspicious?" asked Fenghuang softly as she popped a bun in her mouth.

"AWESOME!"

"So Master Viper and I shall take you down to the village as soon as you're ready to leave. I'm sure that someone like Master Fenghuang should be alright by herself for one day?"

"Hey," said Po, "I'm sure my buddy Quiong Qi would be glad to come in and check in and Fenghuang now and then!"

"You know the Scorpion?" asked the Owl.

"Oh sure," he replied, "We've been buddies since she threatened to poison me and hide out in my Dad's Noodle Shop."

"You're a real charmer," she mused, "You know that?"

"I'm what now?"

"Never mind," she replied as she thought, '_He really is clueless!_'

"Let me pour you some more tea first," he said as he got her a new cup and poured her some more tea. It was lucky there was a spare cup and a hot teapot there, as the clay cups were cheap, and tended to break fairly easily.

"Hurry Po," said Tigress, "We need to go... as soon as possible."

"I promise I'll be back in time to bring you dinner and check up on you," he said as he waved, and stepped towards the doorway.

"I'll be waiting," she answered.

"I need to go and see if Master Viper is ready," said Tigress as she looked around, "Go wait for us in the Palace Courtyard, won't you?"

"As soon as I ask Quiong Qi to check up on Fenghuang regularly," he answered.

"Just do it quickly," she replied as she moved off towards Viper's room. Making sure he was out of sight and most likely out of hearing range, she leaned close to Viper's door and said, "Master Viper, are you in?"

"Yes," she replied, "I'm just getting ready, but you can come in now."

Tigress stepped in and she said in a hushed, but hurried voice, "Help me. I don't know what to do. When I saw Po and Fenghuang acting too friendly together, I panicked and said we had to take Po down to the village for 'special training'. All I could think about was getting those two separated from each other. What should I do?"

"Special training, huh?" asked Viper, "Oh, I have a few ideas what we can do in the village as far as special training goes."

"_You're the best_," sighed Tigress as she gave Viper a little hug and kiss on the cheek.

"We lady Masters have to stick together, you know."

"Uh, you do remember that Fenghuang is a girl, right?"

"Oh..." muttered Viper, "I see your point..."

...

Some time later, Po, Tigress and Viper had walked down to the village, and they were standing just outside Mister Ping's Noodle Shop.

"Oh boy," said Po, "Lunch! So where are we going for this 'special training', anyways?"

Tigress glanced at Viper and wondered when she planned to share that knowledge herself.

"We're here now," she said as she slithered into the front area.

"Uh, we're using a Noodle Shop for special training?" asked Po and Tigress as one.

"Yes we are," she replied as she slithered towards the kitchen area, "Now I need a moment to speak to Mister Ping. I believe he's your father, isn't he?"

"Well yes he is," came Po's answer.

"Very well."

Mister Ping seemed surprised to see a snake in his kitchen. He was slowly reaching for a butcher knife when she said, "Don't worry, I'm from the Jade Palace. We need you help in training your son, Po, to be the Dragon Warrior."

"How can a humble Noodle Shop help train the Dragon Warrior?" he asked as he relaxed and stopped reaching for the knife.

"We need Po to make a very special batch of noodles," she replied, "I'm sure the Jade Palace can pay you for the use of your kitchen for an hour or so."

"Well, what about the ingredients?"

"Oh, we're going shopping for those right now."

"Well, if it will help my son become the Dragon Warrior, I guess I can't say no."

"Thank you," she replied, "Now we'll be gone a little while shopping. Hopefully we'll return here after the lunchtime rush."

He nodded as she slithered back into the front area.

"Before we can begin the special training," said Viper, "We need to buy some things from the market area. I believe I have more than enough to cover..."

"But you gave me all of your allowance to pay for the Noodle Cart," he interrupted.

"That's all right," said Tigress, "I'm sure I can cover the costs."

So the three of them headed out to the market.

...

Mei Ling, the fox, was cruising the market looking for rumors about valuable things to steal when she saw the ladies with the umbrellas from back at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony. There was 6 this time. She had made herself a load of silver stealing from one of them after she had picked a whole row of silver purses from people up in the bleachers of the stadium. As far as thieves go, they weren't as nearly good as they thought they were. She figured that they must hunt in packs to make up for their lack of individual skills. She wondered if she could just might make some more money off them.

She moved closer to see what they were saying to each other. They were together in a huddle, and using their umbrellas to keep their activities from being seen from the outside. It also made it a little harder to hear what they were saying to each other, but on the other hand, it made it so much easier to sneak closer and overhear them.

"Pickings around here are kind of slim," said Su, "but I think we can do much better at this place I've heard about: The Jade Palace."

"What's that?" asked Song.

"It sounds cool," added Dance.

"Some really old place where they've been teaching Kung Fu for hundreds of years," replied Su, "I'm sure they've built up a huge collection of treasures and trophies by now. We could make a killing there if we could just find a way inside."

'_So they haven't stolen much of anything yet_' thought Mei Ling, '_I'd do better just to follow them and see if they can find their own way into the Jade Palace. They would not trust me if I just walked over and volunteered my services to them_.'

"We should do something in the meantime," suggested Song, "Maybe if we perform near the Jade Palace, we might get the attention of someone at the place."

"A good idea," replied Su, "Let's find an open place near the stairs up to the place. Be sure to keep an eye open for anyone coming or going to the Jade Palace."

The rest of them nodded.

...

"Let me see," said Viper, "We should be sure we have enough flour, semolina, and of course, water. Once we have made the noodles, we can proceed to the broth and the vegetables. For the broth, we need olive oil, celery, onion, carrots, green onion, garlic, parsley, thyme and bay leaf. Then we need the ginger, canola oil, mushrooms, red peppers, bok choy, firm Doufu, rice vinegar, soy sauce and the toasted sesame oil plus some of the other ingredients we haven't used up in the broth."

Po panted under the load of things they had purchased so far. He had been hauling around the every growing load of raw food for at least a few hours. The mass of their purchases seemed like it was a ton, even though it really wasn't anywhere near that much. It seemed like they had enough stuff to make noodle soup for a small army.

"That seems like everything," said Tigress, "so now what?"

"We go back to the Noodle Shop," said Viper, "and Po starts cooking."

"What are we doing?" asked Po, "Feeding every poor person in the whole village?"

"Why yes. Yes we are. The Dragon Warrior must posses the spirit of charity, you know."

"How's this going to help me beat Tai Lung?"

"You cannot best an enemy unless you are in the proper mindset, and this will help you keep your mind in balance while you are fighting against Tai Lung. It may come down to having you fight Master Shifu as well, you know."

"Fight Master Shifu?" he asked incredulously.

"I know it is hard to believe," she replied evenly, "but since he has disappeared along with Tai Lung, I have no choice but to believe the two of them are now working together to undermine the will of Grand Master Oogway, and install Tai Lung as the Dragon Warrior. Who knows what might happen if he should be the one to learn the secrets of the Legendary Dragon Scroll."

Po shivered at her words.

"He may well convince Master Shifu that Po and the Furious Five must be destroyed to make that dream come true as well. Shifu know that Oogway's time in this world is short, so he may well bide his time before attacking, waiting to hear the news of the Grand Master's passage into the next world."

"Then we just have to make sure that his passing on remains a secret," said Po.

"We can do that for a while," she replied, "but the news will get around soon enough. It is essential that we must have you ready well in advance of that day."

"Then let's get on with the special training, shall we?"

Tigress and Viper nodded as Po hauled the load over to the Noodle Shop.

...

"**What kind of nonsense is this?!**" asked Mister Ping, "**I'm not allowed to sell these noodles?!**" He looked over to where Po was kneading the noodle dough.

"That is correct," said Viper, "You have already been compensated for your time, your restaurant space, and the use of your kitchen. This food is for the poor who could not otherwise afford to eat here."

"Well how do you know that they're really poor?"

"We shall ask them, and take them at their word for it."

"Some people are liars, you know."

"I know, and yet most of the people who will come here this evening will be poor and hungry. The ones who are wealthy enough to feed themselves well will not wish to be seen around the likes of the underclass. They are too vain to do so."

"All right," he said, "but this is all confusing to me. I still need to replace my Noodle Cart that was blown up at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony, you know."

"You have been compensated to the best of our abilities. It seems that you need to cultivate your spirit of compassion as well."

"I'd rather have the spirit of profit."

"Profits will not help you in the next life."

"But profits will help me from having to worry about the next life for a number of years more."

"We shall all go there eventually. There are no exceptions."

"All right, assuming all of that is true, then _why can't I help my own son with the cooking_?!"

"Because this is his own test," said Tigress, "and he would not learn what he has to if you were to help him out with it. No one is allowed to help him in this task."

"It all seems rather pointless," he groaned, "but you set the rules, and I guess I'll just have to live with them. What else can I do?"

"You can go around town and spread the word about the free noodles to the poor and hungry. That would be a great service indeed."

"Fine, but there's not enough time to make fliers."

"Those will not be necessary. Word of mouth should suffice."

"Only one of us needs to remain and make sure Po is learning what he has to," said Viper, "Perhaps I should help Mister..."

"No," interrupted Tigress, "You know more about cooking than I. It is you who should supervise the Dragon Warrior. I shall help Mister Ping spread the word around the village."

"Thank you, Master Tigress."

...

Things were not going very well for the Ladies of the Shade. Even though their performance was all but flawless, the people did not have many silvers to show their appreciation of their act. On top of that, there was just no traffic to or from the Jade Palace. But things turned around when a goose came around, because he was being followed by Master Tigress.

"Excuse me," he said, "I am Mister Ping from the Noodle Shop down the street. There's going to be free noodles later for the poor and hungry. If you are poor or hungry, please fell free to join us."

"Why is Master Tigress with you?" asked Su.

"Oh, this is some kind of crazy test for my son."

"Your son?" asked Song.

"He was chosen by the Universe to be the Dragon Warrior," offered Tigress, "This is a test of his humbleness and willingness to help those in need."

"Hey, he's the Panda who was at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony, wasn't he?" asked Dance.

"He was."

"Well, I think Voiceless would certainly like to meet him again." She glanced over at Voiceless, who seemed to blush as she looked down at her feet for some reason.

"Very well," said Mister Ping, "But it's going to be really crowded. There might not be enough room for people just there to socialize."

"Oh, we'll be there for the food," said Su, "We haven't had a decent performance payoff in days, and none of us has had anything but water for at least a whole day." Then she thought, '_We could go back to our own village, but that's a couple of days away from here. And I think we just found ourselves the ticket we need to get into the Jade Palace_.'

After Ping and Tigress left, Su leaned over to Song and said, "This is our big chance. When we stop by for the free food, I need you to charm the trousers off that big fat Panda. Do whatever it takes to make him like you. _We need the Dragon Warrior to get into the Jade Palace so we can rob them blind_."

"_Why do I get all of the flirtation jobs_?" she asked.

"Because I run the Ladies of the Shade, so I don't have the time to do it all myself. Other than me, you're the most charming Lady of the Shade I know."

"Sometimes that feels like a curse."

"Well we all have a burdens to carry, now don't we?"

"I suppose."

The foxy Mei Ling was still watching and listening from the shadows as she thought, '_Perhaps I should take a crack at charming this Dragon Warrior myself. I certainly could think of a few ways I can use this Dragon Warrior against that stuffed shirt, Master Shifu. I still don't know what I really saw in him, other than his Kung Fu. Opposites attract, I suppose. And damn him, I still like him even though he broke up with me!_"

...

By the time the Noodle Soup was ready to serve, there was at least a hundred poor and hungry all stuffed into the sitting area of the Noodle Shop. Even the walls were lined with those who would rather eat standing up than wait for a table to open. A number of the people there were malnourished or they were bordering on starvation, or both. Even Scorpion was there, but not do much for the free food, but because she always had sympathy for the less fortunate. There was also Mei Ling, who didn't really look like she belonged there with her fine clothes, and the Ladies of the Shade as well.

"Good evening, everyone," said Po from over the counter between the kitchen and the sitting area, "As much as I hate to say this, only one bowl of noodles per customer. There just isn't enough for all of you to come back for seconds. I'm really sorry about that."

The crowd seemed to accept his explanation without making a fuss.

"So please form a single file line up to this window, and then find a place to eat. Seats go to those who get them first, but if you see someone who's old, frail, really young or a mother with a baby, I'd really appreciate it if those who are more fit give up your seat to them. Thank you."

The line began to form at the window as the people got there, but soon the line was backed up all the way into the street and around the corner. Po was serving the noodles up as fast as he could, but again he had to do it himself. No help was allowed, even from Mister Ping. The bowls were pretty cheap, the chopsticks were disposable, but still a number of bowls were returned when they were done with them. It took more than an hour to make sure everyone was served.

After the last was served, he felt a tug on his trousers. He looked down to see Voiceless, who was the smallest and youngest member of the Ladies of the Shade he had seen so far. Crouching down to be at eye level with her, he asked, "What can I do for you, sweetie?"

She simply leaned in and hugged Po tightly.

"Oh, I think someone's sweet on you," said someone nearby. Po glanced up into the doorway to see Song standing there. "I think I'm sweet on you, too."

He hugged Voiceless to his chest, and she came up with him when he stood up.

"Keep this up and you'll have yourself a fan club," said Viper from the corner she was curled up in.

"A Dragon Warrior fan club?" he mused aloud, "Now that would be so awesome!"

"We just wanted to thank you for your kindness to the community," said Song, "For all the kindness you've shown to Voiceless."

"Hey, that's just the kind of Panda I am."

"Well anyways, little Voiceless has communicated with me her deep desire to see the Jade Palace with her fellow sisters."

"She communicates how?" asked Viper.

"I taught her to use a brush and ink as soon as her voice box healed," replied Song, "Voiceless is one of the best calligraphers in the Village of the Shade now."

Voiceless smiled.

"Well," he mused, "I'm sorry, but I'll have to consult with the other Masters. It's not like I own the Jade Palace or anything."

"Grand Master Oogway does run the place," reminded Tigress.

"Could he be so cruel as to deny a request from a young lady with no voice?" asked Song.

"That would not be cruelty," said Tigress, "The Jade Palace was built for the Masters of Kung Fu. It is not open to the public, and it certainly is no tourist trap."

"Don't worry," said Po, "I'm in with the Grand Master. We're like... chummy. I'm sure he won't say no if the Dragon Warrior asks him."

Voiceless and Song smiled.

"I hope I'm not interrupting this tender moment," said Mei Ling who seemed to appear from nowhere.

"I don't remember serving you," observed Po.

"Of course not," she replied, "I am neither poor nor hungry."

"Can I help you then?"

"_No_," she said back, "_but I can help you_." She tossed Po a rather large bag of silver coin. "Use this money to help the poor, or _any other way you see fit to_."

"That's real nice of you," he said, "How can I repay you?"

"Tell me how Master Shifu is doing," she said evenly.

"Master Shifu..." said Po awkwardly as he glanced towards Viper, "He's out of town. On a Kung Fu pilgrimage. Yeah, hush hush Kung Fu stuff!"

"Well then," she mused, "If I could see just the Jade Palace too, that would be all the repayment I could ever need from you."

"I can get you in," he said back confidently, "After all, the Universe choose me to be the Awesome Dragon Warrior!"

"Thank you," she answered, "You're too kind." She also thought, '_and too stupid. He can't even tell that the Ladies of the Shade and I are playing him for a fool!_'

"Come up to the Jade Palace around noon or so, and I'll be sure to let you all in."

Voiceless kissed Po on the cheek as Song slipped up and kissed his other cheek.

"Are you sure the Grand Master would agree to this?" asked Viper.

"Sure! What harm could it possibly do?!"

...

Mei Ling and the Ladies of the Shade stood outside the Jade Palace Gates. All the Ladies of the Shade were carrying their umbrellas with them as well. It was past noon, and they were beginning to feel like they had been stood up when the gates burst open, and Po rushed out to meet them.

"I'm so sorry I'm late!" he said, "Making lunch for the Furious Five took longer than I thought it would!"

"No apologies are needed, Dragon Warrior," said Su, "We already know that you're taking time from your busy schedule just to show us around."

"Come in," he said, "Come on in."

They came in and were surprised to see that the Furious Five, Scorpion, Master Fenghuang, and even the Grand Master Oogway were all there to greet them. The owl still had her wings in slings, but she seemed to be moving around well enough on her own now.

Po picked up Voiceless and all but shoved her in the Grand Master's face as he asked, "Can you use your mystical Chi powers to fix her voice?"

"I wish I could," replied Oogway, "but I cannot just make organs like a voice box grow back from nothing. There's just not enough to work with here."

Voiceless nodded as Po put her back down.

"I can understand you," said Su, "but why is everyone else here? We certainly aren't that important."

"Well, I haven't shown Scorpion or Fenghuang around the Palace yet... and I'm not sure about the others. I guess it's just custom for everyone to greet guests at the gate."

'_And make sure nothing gets stolen_,' thought Tigress as she looked over the Ladies of the Shade.

'_I wonder if Oogway remembers me_,' thought Mei Ling, '_but judging by the vacant stare, I don't think he does_.'

Song picked up Voiceless and put her on Po's back as she said, "Voiceless here looks up to you like the _big brother_ she never had." She glanced at the blush on Voiceless as she clung to his back, and then she mused, "Oh, did I say too much about that?"

Po gripped her legs under the knees as he said, "Don't worry about it. I was an only child, and I'd love to have someone think of me as Big Brother."

"It is nice to meet you all," said the Grand Master, "but I really must get back to my meditations under the Peach Tree. I'm sure that Po and the Furious Five will take good care of you all." He turned and slowly walked away.

"Hey, let's all go see the Training Hall, where they do all that... _Kung Fu-ish stuff_!"

Tigress leaned over to Viper and asked softly, "Master Oogway let Po out of training for today for this kind of stuff?"

"Who knows how the mind of a Grand Master works," she replied.


	9. Chapter 9

Po, the Harem Master

Part 9: Po and the Wiles of a Thief

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

"Po," said Tigress slightly irritated, "The only one who wants to tour a kitchen is YOU."

"But Master Tigress," he replied, "You didn't want me to show them the student barracks, the Palace Stadium, or the Peach Tree Hill."

'_It's lucky he doesn't know about the Dragon Grotto_,' thought Tigress, '_I sure don't want anyone there who isn't living the Kung Fu life_.'

"The barracks is a personal place," she answered, "They've already seen the Stadium, and Grand Master Oogway is meditating on the hill, **so he cannot be disturbed**. You know he's seeking solutions to our... _current issues_."

"Well, I'm sure they'd love to see the Training Hall."

"_As long as they don't try use it_," she replied, "It's far too dangerous for someone who's not a serious Kung Fu Student or Master to try... and Fenghuang is already well familiar with the place."

"I'm down with that," said Po, "How about the rest of you?" He was looking towards the Ladies of the Shade and the foxy Mei Ling when he asked the last part.

"Oh, that's just fine," said Su.

"Oh, I agree," said Mei Ling.

While crossing the Courtyard to the Training Hall, Fenghuang stumbled and fell. Po rushed to her side as he asked, "Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry," she said, "Perhaps I've been pushing things a little too much. I just need a moment to rest here. Sorry to worry you so."

"It's cool," he said, and then he turned around. "Here, hop on my back and I'll carry you for a while."

"You don't mind?" she asked.

"It's totally cool."

She stood and leaned against his back as he picked her up, holding her legs under the knees. Her head was rested on his back as she turned it sideways and closed her eyes a moment. The group continued on towards the Training Hall.

'_Curse me for a fool_,' she thought, '_Why do I love this dolt?!_'

The went in, and Tigress suggested, "Perhaps you should show them how some of this equipment works, Dragon Warrior?"

"Me?" he asked.

"Well yes. You haven't done any training for being the Dragon Warrior today anyways."

"That would be nice," said Su.

"We should start with the log roller," suggested Tigress as she pointed out the twisty, curly and slightly spiky rollers. She had moved the setting up to the middle, so it was a small challenge for the Dragon Warrior to perform.

Po set down Fenghuang in the corner, and then approached the rollers. With his shoulders set, and a look of fierce determination, he closed his eyes and made his way across. He could hear the weapons as they swung close to his head. Tigress and Viper had already moved across to the other side. When he opened his eyes, he looked at the wide-eyed stares from Tigress and Viper. He looked over his shoulder to see that Scorpion, Mei Ling and ALL of the Ladies of the Shade had followed him, and none of them were even disheveled in their outfits.

"What?" asked Su, "Were we not supposed to follow you?"

"Ah..." he said stupefied.

"Moving along," said Tigress.

They moved onto the Gauntlet of Wooden Warriors. The wooden towers gleamed as their levels of spinning spiked clubs awaited those who would dare try to pass them.

"I suggest that no one tries to follow the Dragon Warrior this time."

Mei Ling and the Ladies of the Shade nodded. Tigress and Viper moved around to the end of the course and waited. Po squared himself off as he prepared to run the gauntlet. He moved in as they began spinning, blocking and dodging attacks from all levels and all directions almost at the same time. There was a few small hits along the way. Nothing Scorpion couldn't work out later.

He emerged triumphant to see Tigress face-palming herself. Everyone else had run the gauntlet and finished ahead of him. Once again, none of them looked as if they had even taken a minor hit.

"What?" asked Su, "We didn't follow him. All of us picked our own path across the gauntlet."

"Ah..." he said stupefied.

"Say," asked Mei Ling, "What's that area over there?"

"Oh, that's the Field of Fiery Death," said Po offhand.

"What's that do?"

"It teaches one how to navigate a terrain where there's no safe place to stand still."

"Oh you simply MUST show us that!"

The Ladies of the Shade and Scorpion nodded as well.

"All right," grumbled Tigress, "But NO ONE steps onto the Field of Fiery Death besides the Dragon Warrior. AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?!"

They all nodded. So Po stepped up, steeled his resolve, and stepped onto the floor of bamboo tubes from which the flaming death shot into the air. He was too focused on getting across with a minimum of burns, so that when he got across, he wondered why Tigress was face-palming herself yet again. He turned around to see that Scorpion and Mei Ling were leaping all the way across the floor without touching it, and the Ladies of the Shade were taking turns throwing each other across. True to their word, not one of them set foot _upon_ the Field of Fiery Death.

"Ah..." he said stupefied, "_Am I the only one here who isn't a Kung Fu Master?_"

"I think we've seen quite enough of the Training Hall," grumbled Tigress, "Let's gather up Fenghuang and move on to the Hall of Warriors, shall we?"

So Po carried the owl on his back again up the final set of stairs to one of the greatest parts of the Jade Palace: The Hall of Warriors. Tigress was beginning to wonder if Fenghuang was just faking her weakness as an excuse to ride on the Dragon Warrior's back. She certainly seemed to be enjoying herself as he carried her around. Scorpion also griped of becoming tired of all the walking, so he let her crawl up onto his head.

'_This is IT!_' thought Su as Po opened one of the doors to the Hall of Warriors, '_The mother lode!_' She looked about at all of the treasures just sitting around, the pool sitting in the back, and all of the scrolls that were collected behind the pool. Then there was the dragon statue that looked down upon the pool with a very expensive looking scroll in it's mouth. She was almost drooling as she thought about all of the silver, no GOLD, they could make by selling all of the treasures to the Black Marketeers.

Po set down Fenghuang by the entrance so she could sit and watch the others. It wasn't like she had not already been in this room many many times already.

"**This place is simply the most beautiful room I've ever seen!**" exclaimed Song as she looked around.

Voiceless nodded as she walked back to the pool. She stared down into the water, and then up at the Dragon statue.

"Yeah, it's pretty awesome, isn't it?" agreed Po.

"**Don't touch anything!**" snapped Tigress, "**There are DANGEROUS relics in here!**"

"Like what?" asked Su and Po as one.

"Like that jar over there," she said as she pointed to a small green and blue jar, "That's the Mongolian Fist Demon Jar. It's a prison for... well... _the Mongolian Fist Demon_. It's a huge brute that terrorized the Valley of Peace hundreds of years ago with it's one massive fist and it's flames of fury."

"That sounds scary," mused Mei Ling.

"So how was the demon beaten?" asked Po.

"No one really knows," replied Tigress, "Only Grand Master Oogway beat it, and there was no one to witness his victory. He hasn't really said even to this day just what technique he used to beat the demon so he could trap it in the jar. They say that the more fiercely and skilled one fights the demon, the stronger it becomes."

Po walked over to the jar as he commented, "It just looks like a cookie jar to me."

But Tigress and Viper were distracted keeping their eyes on Mei Ling and all of the Ladies of the Shade as they walked about and looked at all of the treasures and trophies just sitting on pedestals or hanging from the walls of the Hall.

Sue leaned close to Song as she whispered, "Darn it, the tiger and the snake are watching us too closely. We need to distract them so we can steal a few things. Take some of the other ladies and put on a performance that they won't soon forget. I'm sure that Dance and Voiceless should work well for a distraction. Otherwise, this entire tour will have been for nothing."

"As you command," replied Song. She gestured for Dance and Voiceless to come to her so they could huddle, and decide what they were going to do. That alone was enough to draw the attention of both Tigress and Viper. Po was still fussing with the Mongolian Fist Demon Jar. After a moment of Song telling the other two what to do, they separated so that Voiceless was left between them. They all opened their umbrellas, but Voiceless left hers to spin like a top. Then she leaped back and forth from Song's umbrella to Dance's, just low enough to spin her own umbrella more as she passed over it.

As Su hoped, Tigress and Viper were enchanted by the performance. They watched as Voiceless used Song's spinning umbrella as a dance floor that she used to showcase her spins and cartwheels without even looking like there was a chance she might fall off. Song tossed Voiceless into the air, leaped onto Dance's umbrella, and still managed to catch Voiceless on top of her own.

Su and the remaining Ladies of the Shade stalked about the room assessing what she could take easily and what she could not. She also prioritized the treasures from the ones that looked the most expensive to the ones that looked like they had the least resale value. Mei Ling was more interested in watching them then she was looking at the three performing in the middle of the Hall, as she well knew a distraction when she saw one.

"Po?" asked Scorpion from his head, "Should you be messing with that thing? Tigress seems to think it's really really dangerous."

"I don't think it'll hurt just to take a teeny tiny little peek," he replied, "It must be something totally awesome to see! If I can just figure out how this little thing opens..."

Su and the Ladies met by the pool to trade notes, and decide what they were going to steal. About then, Dance kicked Voiceless' still spinning umbrella upwards so she could catch it. She turned it over and stood it point to point with Song's umbrella so they were spinning in opposite directions balanced on top of each other, and then Voiceless turned herself over and balanced on the handle as Tigress and Viper stared more wide eyed. It was lucky the vaulted ceiling of the Hall of Warrior was so high that they still had plenty of space over their heads.

Mei Ling wasn't quite sure where Su and the others were hiding burlap sacks, but they pulled them out as they began stealing the treasures of the Hall of Warriors. She always figured she'd let the Ladies take the heat for the theft, and then steal the best treasures from them later. But when they tried to slip out the door, they realized the way was blocked by Fenghuang.

"YOU KNOW IT'S NOT NICE TO TAKE STUFF THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU, RIGHT?!" she asked with an angry tone.

"LADIES!" shouted Su, "It's time to BATTLE! Deal with this owl so we can get the hell out of here!"

They all seemed to be surprised when the Ladies' umbrellas deployed metal blades around the edges, and then fired a volley of darts from the ends at Fenghuang. With her wings still in slings, her options were severely limited. But she was able to dodge all of their fire. The Ladies tried to exploit this weakness by trying to simply swarm past her, but then the air was split by the sound of Scorpion saying, "OOPS!" Po had opened the jar and released the Mongolian Fist Demon.

"What's the big deal?" he asked as he looked down on the barely six inch tall blue and red demon, "I'll just squash it and put it back..." He stepped on the Demon, but not only did it have no effect, it made the monster grow a few inches taller. Throwing Po towards the Hall door, Scorpion managed to catch the jar and the lid before she landed on the ground. Po smacked into the door hard, the force making the door closed. When the door slammed shut, the heavy barricade fell into place, making sure that no one could leave until the heavy bar was lifted up again.

Tigress and Viper leaped at the Demon, with Tigress unloading a volley of tree-trunk splitting punches into it while Viper lashed out at its vital points. But this just made the Demon angrier as well as made it double in size. Now it was well over a foot tall.

"THERE'S NOTHING I CAN'T STAND LESS THAN THIEVES!" scowled Fenghuang as she kicked out at some of the nearby Ladies. They seemed to easily block the kicks with their umbrellas, which were built as weapons and therefore quite sturdy. Even though outnumbered and surrounded, the owl did seem to hold her own against the attacking leopards.

Mei Ling decided fighting was pointless, so she slipped back into the shadows and waited to see what happened with the others. She would leave when she was ready to.

Tigress and Viper continued their relentless attack on the Demon, which drove it down to its knees even as it grew larger. It grew and grew until it was almost half again as large as Tigress when it revealed their assault was not hurting it at all. The large fist grabbed Tigress by the tail and used her as a blunt weapon to smack down Viper, leaving the two of them in a heap against the smooth stone floor. Then Scorpion leaped on the monster's head and stung it hard in the back of its neck. Even though the poison seemed to slow the Demon, it still grabbed Scorpion with its larger fist and slammed her into the stone floor as well. Now Tigress, Viper and Scorpion were down for the count.

"**We have to get the hell out of here!**" shouted Su, "**Half of you keep the arrogant owl busy while the rest of you lift that bar!**"

"**I'm not arrogant!**" shouted Fenghuang, "**I'm a MASTER! If my wings were fixed, I'd take you ALL down MYSELF without breaking a sweat!**"

The Demon leaped to block the doorway itself. Now they would have to beat the monster in order to even try to lift the bar. Po was coming around from his little run-in with the door. He shook his head to clear the cobwebs out.

"**Thieves or not, if you want to leave here alive, then you better help us fight that monster!**" yelled Su at Fenghuang. All the ladies fired their darts at every vital point on the Demon as the owl leaped up into its face to try and scratch its eyes out. The darts couldn't pierce its skin enough to have any effect, and the monster simply swatted the owl aside before she could even get close to his eyes. She landed on her back and slid into the wall hard. It grew even larger after that.

"**STOP!**" yelled Po at the top of his lungs, "**YOU CAN'T BEAT IT BY FIGHTING NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY! IN FACT, THE HARDER YOU TRY, ****THE STRONGER IT GETS****!**"

"**What do you suggest we do?!**" screamed Su, "**Sing and dance for it?!**"

"**EXACTLY****!**"

"**That's just crazy enough to work!**" shouted Song, "**Just stay back far enough that it can't touch you!**"

The Ladies began to spin and dance around the demon, just staying out of its reach. As the Ladies performed, the Demon seemed to lose anger and power, and started to shrink down again. The Demon feigned an attack in one direction, and then really lashed out the other way. His fist caught Voiceless in the stomach as she was propelled towards the wall. But Po managed to dive in front of her, so she hit his soft stomach while he slammed into the wall for her.

"Are you alright?" he gasp.

She gave him the thumbs up gesture.

The Demon continued to shrink and weaken until is was back to the size of an action figure. Scorpion used her tail to slap the monster back into the jar, and used her other claw to put the lid back in place and screw it closed again.

"**Put all the stuff you stole back**," snarled Tigress as she stood up, "**and none of you get hurt!**"

"Fine!" shouted Su, "We owe the Dragon Warrior for all he's done! Put everything back!"

The Ladies dispersed to return everything when Song asked, "Hey, when was the door opened? And where did Mei Ling go?"

"WHAT?!" asked Tigress as she looked around, "AND WHERE IS THE DRAGON CHALICE?!"

"_It looks like the best thief won_," muttered Su.

"We can't worry about that now!" yelled Po, "There's injured to look after!" He ran over to Fenghuang as Voiceless followed him. Taking the owl in his arms, he asked, "Are you all right?!"

"_It's not as bad as it looks_," she sighed before she passed out in his arms.

...

Fenghuang awoke on an infirmary cot. In addition to having her wings in slings, now she was stripped to her loincloth, and her stomach (and back) wrapped in wet bandages from her loins up to her ribcage. There was also wrappings about her neck and shoulders. The bandages smelled of medicine.

Looking around, she could see that Tigress, Viper and Po were similarly wrapped and smelling of medicine. But they were dressed over the wrappings. She looked around some more, but didn't see the Ladies of the Shade around either.

"This is payback for the bamboo forest, isn't it?" asked the owl.

"I don't know what you're carrying on about," replied the tiger with a smirk on her face.

"Never mind," she answered, "Just help me get dressed."

"Not until the medicine dries."

"Well you're dressed!"

"Different medicines," she replied, "They don't have to be fully dry."

"_You know I'll get you for this!_"

"Still don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm so glad you're alright!" said Po as he came to the owl's bedside, but he tripped in his rush and managed to face-plant himself into her breast feathers. But instead of getting mad, she used her legs to hug Po tighter against her.

Tigress and Viper both blushed as they turned around.

"_You little sicko_," she cooed, "_Can't even wait to take advantage of me, can you? __**I like it**__._"

"Huh? What?" spluttered Po, "**It's not like that at all!**"

"Just let him go!" protested Tigress.

"So where are those Ladies of the Shade?" asked Fenghuang as she let Po loose.

"Scorpion is taking care of them in the largest guest room," replied Viper, "_and making sure they keep their word not to steal anything_."

"And Mei Ling?"

"She's long gone."

"And Grand Master Oogway?"

"Still meditating. None of us thought we needed to bother him with this."

"It's a shame," said Tigress, "Master Shifu will be so upset by the theft of the Dragon Chalice. My sole comfort is that the Chalice is so unique, _it's going to be really hard to fence_."

"_Well he's not around to worry about it, now is he?_" asked Fenghuang a little bitterly.

"We should really get back to Po's training," said Viper.

"Come on Po," said Tigress as they walked towards the door, "We can't do too much today, but we need to get some things in before dinner."

The three stepped out into the hall and down close to the outside when Tigress stopped and turned to face Po.

"There's on other thing before we continue," she said softly.

"What's that?" he asked.

He was taken aback when Tigress hugged him tight with both arms, pushed him back into the wall, and planted a full and passionate kiss on his lips. All he could say was, "MMMPPPHHH?!" A few minutes passed as she kissed him with all of her feelings and heart. Viper blushed horribly as she looked away.

When she broke the kiss, she whispered into his ear, "_I love you. Can you love me back?_"

Viper slithered out into the Courtyard, leaving the two of them behind.

But Po was too stunned to reply. She let him go as she purred into his ear, "_You don't have to answer now. Just take your time and think about it._" With nothing holding him up, the Panda just fell face first into the floor below.


	10. Chapter 10

Po, the Harem Master

Part 10: Po and the Last Day of Oogway

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po had to think about what Tigress had said to him after his day of training. Her words had completely taken him by surprise. He hadn't taken Tigress to be the romantic type at all. Certainly not the aggressive one when it came to expressing feelings, either. Her passionate confession was almost more than he could have dreamed of.

He lay on his cot as Scorpion worked his acupuncture points with her claws. She was so adept at making him feel better after a hard days training. If he didn't have to make a noodle dinner for all the Kung Fu Masters and guests, he might have fallen asleep.

But while Master Tigress of the Furious Five was all that and a side of noodles, she was not without competitors for the companionship and love of the Dragon Warrior. Some of her rivals were quite skilled, and possibly quite determined to get things their own way.

There was Master Viper of the Furious Five. However, her affections were more subtle, and Po had not even noticed them so far. But still she was quite fond of Po, and she was also grateful for all the things Po had done for her. Po was the only one who let Viper sleep with him on his stomach when she was cold, having nightmares, or worried sick. What neither Po nor Tigress knew was that the snake's affections were divided between them at the moment, and she could not decide who she really loved more than the other.

Then there was Master Fenghuang. The owl was quite used to getting what she wanted, and not afraid to say what was on her mind. Po also felt compelled to be with her because of tending to her injuries, so she got quite a lot of time with the Dragon Warrior. She was also apparently lacking in issues about her body or her modesty, because once she was comfortable, she decided she was just going to go around for a while in nothing but a loincloth and bandages. He could tell when he visited her in her cot just after he finished training. Po also shied away from her to keep out of her reach, because of her calling him a sicko and then saying that he wanting to take advantage of her as she was: Two things he hadn't even considered until she accused him of it. While Oogway forgave her and allowed her to stay at the Palace, it still seemed like Po was her only true friend in the world.

That also seemed to hold true for Quiong Qi. Most others were to intimidated by her reputation as the Scorpion to ever let her get close to them. Master Oogway might have if things had not been so busy. Even her tearful confession that she had blown up Ping' Noodle Cart would not turn Po against her, as he felt that she was truly sorry for what happened. He trusted her enough to ride on his head, and crawl about his body as he slept, which was more than anyone else was willing to let her do. Her only problem seemed to be that Po was not taking her for anything more than a good friend and a bit of a healer with her useful knowledge of acupuncture, acupressure, and various poisons/antidotes. But he would always remember how she had come to his defense when they fought against Fenghuang back in the Bamboo Forest trying to save Tigress and the Princess from the powerful owl master.

"I'm done treating you," said Quiong Qi at last, and Po sat up.

"You're the best," sighed Po.

"Only because you believe that I can," she replied, "You're the only one whose willing to give me that kind of chance."

"But Master Oogway..."

"Only because you believed in me first." Po smiled at her as she crawled onto his shoulder, and she said quietly into his ear, "_and I want you to know that you're my best friend in the whole world. No one had ever been kinder or more fair to me than you have_."

"And I like you a lot, too."

Tigress poked her head into the room as she blinked, but now she was getting used to seeing all manner of woman doing things with Po by now. "Grand Master Oogway has called everyone to the courtyard," she said quickly.

"But I have to start making dinner..."

"No," said Tigress firmly, "That must wait. You may come as well, Scorpion."

"I shall," she replied.

Scorpion crawled onto Po's head as he followed Tigress out to the courtyard to see everyone standing in a circle around Oogway, and even the Ladies of the Shade were present.

"Po," he said to him, "Step forward. I have an announcement especially for you, but please leave Scorpion behind. Nothing personal."

Scorpion nodded as she hopped off Po, and he stepped up before Oogway.

"Master Tigress," he said as he turned to her, "Come forward as well."

Tigress moved up next to Po.

"My time in this world is over," he said softly, "and now I'll shall become one with the Universe. I leave you with my last words and my last commands."

Po and Tigress stared open mouthed, but said nothing.

"Dragon Warrior," he said, "Po. I grant you the right to claim the Dragon Scroll and read it."

If Po wasn't so sad about Oogway leaving, he might have danced with joy at the news.

"Master Tigress," he continued, "I grant you stewardship of the Jade Palace until Master Shifu has finally found his inner peace, and is ready to take full responsibility for continuing the legend of the Jade Palace. It's not that you aren't worthy, mind you, but I know in your heart that is not a responsibility that you ever really wanted. If Shifu should die or retire from Kung Fu, then the Jade Palace shall fall to you."

"I understand," she replied, "and I'm willing to accept all the responsibilities that it entails."

"I'm sure you will make me proud. Now I want you to both step back," he said, and then announced, "Please step forward, Fenghuang."

"Yes Master," she said softly as she advanced.

"You have finally overcome your own arrogance and pride. These things have held you back all of these years. Now you can be what you truly can be. _I want you to know I've always been proud of you and everything you've achieved. It wasn't the learning of the Impossible Moves that impressed me the most, but how you were determined to learn them NO MATTER HOW HARD IT WAS_."

She leaned against him, and he put his arm around her. Tears began to leak from her eyes because she had heard him say the thing she had craved the most her entire life in Kung Fu as she cried, "No! I'm crying again! There's no crying in Kung Fu!" She cried hard again, and he gave her time to work it out of her system.

"Come back a moment, Po," he said. When Po stepped up, he put the owl into his arms as he said, "Take good care of her always. You will always have a special bond that you share, and it will help you both in the future."

Fenghuang closed her eyes as Po stepped back with her.

"A moment of your time?" asked Oogway of Quiong Qi.

Scorpion stepped forward as he looked down on her, and he offered her his hand. She paused a second before she scrambled up to his shoulder. "You have the power over life and death," he said, "and it's up to you whether you use that power to heal or kill. You can relieve mass suffering and pain, or cause it. I believe that you will make the right decision."

"Thank you, Master," she said as she kissed Oogway on the cheek. She scrabbled down his arm to rejoin the others.

"Now Monkey, Mantis and Crane," he continued, "Please step forward."

They stepped up.

"Monkey," he said, "I want you to keep up the spirits of everyone around you with your gift of humor. When people are happy, then they can know peace and confidence. Some people think of you as a clown and a showoff, but I know you will always be true to your inner self."

"Thank you, Master," said Monkey.

"Now Mantis, never let anyone insult you because of your size. With your sense of honor and courage, you will always be a titan among Kung Fu Masters. I never did manage to figure out just how you can eat so much. Just stick to your friends like you stick to your training... Oh, and try to be more careful about the dates you take and the women you give your heart to. You should really be more... selective."

"Thank you, Master," said Mantis.

"Now Crane, don't let anyone belittle you because of your skinny legs or the backwards knees. That's just how you were built. You have the gift of flight, after all, and you can always leave the ones who will tease you on the ground far below you. Some day, you will find someone who's willing to accept you for who you are... peculiarities and all. Until that day, all of you keep up with your Kung Fu. It will never let you down."

"Thank you, Master," said Crane.

The three of them stepped back.

"Come forward, Master Viper," he said as she slithered forward. He leaned down to her and said quietly, "Love is not limited by numbers. It's only limited by the size of one's metaphorical heart. Just don't try to play one love against another, because it never works out in the end. But you should be honest and open about your love. I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. Unrequited love is the most painful love of all... oh, and if Tigress or Shifu cannot lead the Jade Palace for any reason, then the responsibilities shall fall to you."

"Thank you, Master," said Viper as she reared up to kiss him on the cheek, "and one other little question..."

"Yes?" asked Oogway.

"_Are you really a woman?_" asked Viper close to Oogway's ear and very quietly.

"I am," whispered Oogway, "but don't make that general knowledge, shall we?"

"My lips are sealed, Grand Master."

Oogway smiled at Viper's perceptiveness.

"You said to be open," whispered Viper as she rested her head on the tortoise's shell, "So I want you to know I love you too."

"I know," came the reply, "I know. I have loved you as well."

"Darn it, I just know I'm going to cry now," as closed her eyes and tears began to leak out.

"That's fine. Kung Fu Masters can cry."

Viper crawled around Oogway's neck for one last hug goodbye. Then she slithered down, and back to the others. Tigress gave her a hanky to wipe her eyes with, and she just smiled back at the tiger.

He turned to the Ladies of the Shade, and said, "I have not known you for long, and I know that you have no connections with me, but I must tell you that you are all basically good at heart. You could be just as successful if you limit yourselves to strictly legitimate activities. There's no need for you to use, exploit, or profit at the expense of others."

The Ladies looked at each other, and then bowed as one to Grand Master Oogway. Of all the Ladies there, only Voiceless came forward to hug Oogway goodbye. Oogway bent over and hugged her back. "You can live without a voice," he told her, "but you cannot live without heart. There is much heart to spare within you."

She ran back to Song as tears streamed down her cheeks, and hugged Song firmly. Song hugged her back, sniffling a bit herself with a drop or two in the corners of her own eyes.

"If any of you should happen to see Shifu, tell him I believe in him, and I know he'll do the right thing in the end. Tell him I believe he can finally know peace."

"We will," said Po and the Furious Five as one.

"Tai Lung and Shifu will return to the Jade Palace soon enough. You must be prepared when that day comes upon you."

Oogway began to glow as the transformation into a small storm of Peach Blossom petals began. In a matter of seconds, all that was left was the petals blowing in the wind.

...

Master Shifu and Tai Lung looked down upon the Jade Palace from the nearby mountain. He could see the glow, and the scattering of the Peach Blossom petals from the courtyard even from the distance that they were standing at.

"It seems that Master Oogway is now one with the Universe," he said, "It's almost time for you to claim that which is rightfully yours."

"I shall be prepared, Master," replied Tai Lung, "I shall be ready to deal with the fake Dragon Warrior. The Dragon Scroll and its rightful secrets shall soon be mine."

"And I shall make sure that you are ready, my faithful student."

Shifu wondered how Po and Fenghuang were doing. He suspected they survived the fall into the gorge, but could not tell Tai Lung for fear he would have climbed down and made sure they were both in fact dead. It wasn't his goal to kill them, just to make sure that Tai Lung got his due in the world.

...

Mei Ling was feeling almost cocky. Not only had she escaped the Jade Palace by sneaking around both the Ladies of the Shade and the Mongolian Fist Demon, she managed to get away with one of Shifu's most prized treasures: The Dragon Chalice. She had no intentions of something petty like selling it for silver or gold, but she intended to use it as a bargaining chip against him at a later date. It was clever of her to hide the chalice on the very grounds of the Jade Palace in the last place she felt anyone would ever even look for it: _Deep in Master Shifu's own closet_. She knew Shifu well enough to know he would look there even if he was around, because she knew that his closet was a mess, and there was corners in the back he had not seen in years. All she had to do was sneak back in and claim it once she had a need for it.

She felt confident enough to use her stolen silver to get a room at the inn for a few days, and then she got a large bottle of rice wine so she could drink herself into a stupor as she remembered all the good times she shared with Master Shifu. '_Why did I have to fall in love with such a stuck up goody-goody?_' she thought to herself, '_I was willing to steal just for him! My skills could have made him as rich as me! I could see the love he had for me in his eyes! But no, I was never above his stuffy sense of honor! I could never replace his love of Kung Fu!_'

Once she drank enough, she fell into a troubled sleep where her dreams about Shifu would torment her once again.

...

After Oogway became one with the Universe, Po made a fine noodle dinner for everyone. There just wasn't enough from for everyone to use the dining hall, so the Ladies of the Shade just are from their own guest room instead. Po brought in a large folding table so they would have someone to rest their bowls, utensils, and drinking cups. That earned him a hug and a smile from Voiceless.

When Po was gone, Song addressed Su as she asked, "Could the Grand Master be right about us? About us getting by with legitimate performances?"

"All I've ever known was stealing," replied Su, "Everything else was just a cover for my stealing. I don't know if I can so easily give up that life."

"I'm sure we can if we're just willing to give it a try."

"Alright, Song. I suppose we can try."

"Say," said Dance, "Isn't Po's cooking about the best thing you've ever had?"

The other Ladies nodded in agreement.

"Maybe if the Dragon Warrior thing doesn't work out, he can always be the head cook for our Village," she said wistfully, "We could certainly use more men around there."

"It would be nice to have a man to cook, clean and babysit for us" mused Su aloud, "I'm sure he'd make a good wife... I mean, mate for one of the Ladies of the Shade."

The others giggled at Su's choice of words.

"In any event, it's almost time for us to go home. I think we should depart as soon as the sun rises."

The others nodded in agreement. Voiceless tugged at Song's sleeve as she signed something to her. It was good that Song was good at reading her 'air writing'.

"Voiceless wants to depart a bit later. I thinks she wants to say goodbye to the Dragon Warrior before we leave," interpreted Song.

"Very well," said Su, "I guess we can do that much for Voiceless."

Voiceless smiled.

…

Later that night, Po awoke to Viper at his cot side. He knew that Scorpion was asleep under his cot in her own little bed tonight. "Bad dreams?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "The dream where Tai Lung kills you. They make me so upset."

He lifted the covers and said, "Come on up. I've always got room."

She crawled under the covers, curled up on his stomach, but then stuck her head back near his face as she said, "There's something else bothering me..."

"Tell me," he said.

"It's just that... Well, I mean I..." she said in a faltering voice, "The Grand Master said I should..."

"You miss the Grand Master, don't you? If you want to cry..."

"No!" she said sharply, "I do miss Oogway so much, but that's not it... I want to... I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT_ I LOVE YOU!_" Viper suddenly lunged ahead as she kissed him firmly on the lips. It took him completely off guard. She shared her feeling with Po as the Grand Master suggested, and now she just had to tell Tigress how she felt about her. That could wait until tomorrow.

The outburst woke up Scorpion, but she pretended she was still asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

Po, the Harem Master

Part 11: Po and the Day of the Scorpion

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Viper's unexpected confession of love did catch Po by surprise. He stayed awake for a while while she had curled up and fell asleep on his stomach. She looked so peaceful once she had told Po how she had really felt about him. It was more the kiss that took him by surprise. The fact Viper was a snake didn't even really matter that much. The sudden kiss from Tigress outside Fenghuang's room was just as surprising to him in addition to her questioning whether he could love her back or not. The aggressive kiss from Fenghuang was also completely surprising to him. Just about any passionate kiss from a lady took him aback.

But he soon fell asleep until Scorpion woke him up in the morning to remind him that it was time to make breakfast. It took a few minutes for him to wake up, and Viper had awakened long before Po managed to. She slithered off the bed in order to not be in his way, and then paused at the door to say, "I'll see you at breakfast. My hope is that you're not... mad at me for last night. I hope that you can love me back."

Po waved to Viper as she left, yawning as he continued to wake up. He got up and set off for the kitchen to make some of his famous sticky buns. While he was walking, he was hardly even aware that Scorpion was even following him. She scrabbled up onto the counter and waited until he noticed her by the fact she was in his way.

When he did notice, she asked him, "Po? Could you do me a small favor?"

"What's that?" he asked.

"I need to go to a... dangerous part of the bamboo forest in order to collect some rare herbs and materials for my medicines. Perhaps you could help me collect them?"

"Oh, I'm sure I can. I just have to let Tigress know so she can reschedule any training she had planned for today."

"You're the best," she purred, "I'm so glad we're friends now."

"Well, friends do stuff for each other."

She nodded. He set about to making the sticky buns as she scrabbled to another corner of the counter where she would be out of the way, but still close enough to help with the preparation of the food.

Viper crawled in looking fresh and clean, her scales glistening in the light coming through the windows. It appeared like she had just bathed. "Good morning, Dragon Warrior," she said happily.

"Good morning Viper," he said back.

Soon, Tigress and Monkey came in, Monkey sniffing the air as he checked on what Po was making.

"Hey Tigress," he said, "I promised Scorpion that I'd help her collect rare herbs and ingredients from a dangerous part of the bamboo forest."

"I guess we can put off training until tomorrow," she replied, "but then we must go back to it. I'll have to make the training harder to make up for the lost time today."

"I understand," he replied.

"Thank you, Tigress," said Quiong Qi, "This means a lot to me."

Tigress nodded as they sat down at the table. Soon, Crane, Mantis and Fenghuang were coming in for breakfast as well. They all sat the the table, making it feel just a little more crowded. But they did manage to settle down and be comfortable sitting around each other.

"Po, darling," cooed Fenghuang, "I hate to impose, but it's hard for me to use my feet at this table. Could I... Might you... uh..."

"Feed you?" asked Po helpfully.

"If it's not a bother," she said shyly was a little blush in her cheeks.

"Of course it's not," he said with a smile.

'_Man is she playing this up_,' thought Tigress, '_I can't believe she's so shameless. I mean, "darling"? Does she seriously think she's fooling anyone?_'

After serving everyone up, he stood by the owl and used his chopsticks to hand feed her even before he took one bite of the food he had prepared. Each piece was put into her gaping beak, and then he just patiently waited until she was opening her beak for the next bite. She even felt confident enough to close her eyes while she waited. It almost seemed like she wanted to show off her shiny blue eye shadow to Po's gazing eyes.

'_I suppose he would do the same for me if my arms were broken_,' she thought as she mentally sighed, '_but I would __**never**__ exploit his generosity like that_.'

"Tigress?" asked Viper, "Maybe I should go along and help escort Scorpion as well."

"Oh," said Scorpion, "I'm sure that Po is all the help I need. We shouldn't impose on your..."

"It's not a problem," she replied, "I don't have any responsibilities today since the Dragon Warrior's training has been put off until tomorrow."

"Don't you have your own personal training to think about?"

"No," she replied with a little smile, "Not really."

"Hey," said Po, "We can make a little picnic to take with us!"

"That sounds wonderful," replied Viper.

"Yeah," grumbled Scorpion, "just swell."

"Great!" said Po who was not even aware of the sudden tension between Viper and Scorpion, "I'll start making a picnic lunch now." He finished feeding Fenghuang, then ate his own breakfast as he went back to the kitchen to fix the three of them a modest, portable lunch.

"_Thank you so much_," cooed the owl as he left.

"No problem," he said over his shoulder.

Tigress and Monkey looked back and forth between the two with an eyebrow raised, but they held their comments to themselves. Crane didn't seem to have any idea about what was happening between the ladies as they talked about their little trip. Fenghuang was a little put off that her wings were stopping her from '_helping Scorpion_' as well, but she kept her disappointment to herself.

...

Po, Scorpion and Viper made their way through the bamboo forest as they headed towards a series of caves along the mountain closest to the Jade Palace, but they managed to collect some fairly rare herbs and plants along the way. Po snacked along the way as he was want to do, the others were happy to go along, stopping once along the way for a tea break.

"**Stand and deliver your money to us!**" shouted a deep and gravelly voice from nearby. Po and the ladies looked to see that half a dozen wolf bandits armed with short swords and spears were facing off against them. The one who spoke was apparently the largest and strongest wolf present.

"Hey!" said Po, "This is Croc Bandit territory. What are you guys doing here?"

"We heard the Crocs scored big, so they're dropping out of the game for a while. They're territory is now wide open as far as we're concerned. So cough up the money and the goods."

"We don't have any money," lied Scorpion, "and what we do have is just some herbs that would only matter to a cook back in town."

"Yeah," said one of the wolves next to the apparent leader, "They're dressed like a bunch of peasants. What valuables could they possibly have?"

"The snake and the scorpion are normally naked," he said, "That doesn't mean they're not holding out on us. The Panda isn't dressed that bad. The trousers just look a little patched. That is a common ruse for merchants to hide their wealth from bandits like us. I say we don't let them go until we're sure the aren't holding out on us."

"Are YOU going to search a viper and a scorpion? Cuz I ain't planning to get myself poisoned."

"You... might have a point," mused the head wolf, "but _the Panda is not getting by without a search_. If the viper or the scorpion try to interfere, _feel free to kill them_."

"That's not very nice," mused Po.

"We're bandits. We aren't supposed to be nice."

"Well you shouldn't be messing with three **Kung Fu Masters**, but **you've already made that mistake!**"

"Kung Fu Masters?" asked the second wolf, "They don't look like Kung Fu Masters to me."

"_You shouldn't judge a scroll by it's case!_" shouted Po as he kicked the nearest wolf in the stomach.

"_That tears it!_" shouted the lead wolf, "_Just kill them all and loot the bodies!_"

Viper slipped under the nearest wolf's guard, and comes up in a headbutt right into his chin. Then Scorpion threw a couple of small clay vials which burst against two more wolves as they released small clouds of red dust. The wolves dropped their weapons as they began furiously scratching at themselves from the apparent irritation the dust caused them.

"**That's what you get for messing with **_**Scorpion, the Master of Poison!**_" shouted Quiong Qu at her targets.

"**Scorpion?!**" cried the wolves as one.

"What is she doing **here?!**" asked the wolf leader.

"**The Panda and the snake are MY FRIENDS!**" shouted Scorpion,"**Don't you dare MESS WITH MY FRIENDS!**"

"I don't care what they have! It's not worth **messing with her!** Let's get the hell outta here!"

The wolves turned tail and fled as one said the one nearby, "Didn't we kill all the Pandas?"

"Beats me," said his buddy.

"What did he just say?" asked Po as they ran away.

"I couldn't hear them well," said Scorpion.

"Me neither," said Viper.

"Ah, I guess it wasn't that important. Are you two all right?"

"I'm good," said Viper and Scorpion as one.

"Then let's keep going," suggested Po. The two followed him as he headed onwards.

Soon, the trio arrived at the entrance to the cave complex. It was large enough for an elephant to walk in, and the sunlight went back about 30 yards into the cavern. They could see a couple of rough and natural tunnels leading out of the back.

"It's rather dangerous in there," warned Scorpion to Viper, "If you want to wait out here, I'm sure no one would think any less of you."

"If I didn't know better," she replied, "I'd swear you were trying to ditch me."

"Oh heavens forbid."

They walked as far in as the light would allow, and then Po lit a torch he pulled from his small backpack.

"Which way?" he asked.

"The things I'm looking for are off to the right," replied Scorpion, "but if you're looking for shiny-shinnies, you want to go to the left."

"Then right it is."

They moved down the tunnel until it opened into another large cavern. It was damp as well as being full of stalactites and stalagmites. There was a couple of inches of water laying around the floor. At the other end of the cavern was another tunnel.

"Don't drink the water unless you really like sulfur and calcium," warned Scorpion. She broke off a few of the very small stalagmites and put them in her bag.

"That's not on my menu," said Po.

They went to the tunnel which angled downwards further into the earth and stone.

"Is this the right way to go?" he asked.

Scorpion nodded. They went down to another large cavern that smelled... earthy. They could see the masses of mushrooms all over the floor. There was also a couple of decomposing corpses on the floor that they could not recognize from their advanced state of decomposition. An opening in the top seemed to be the way things could fly in and out, but it had to be a twisty passage as they could not see any sunlight coming through.

"There's a lot of mushrooms in here," said Scorpion, "and a number of them I need. But beware, this place is good for mushrooms because the bats overhead... like to crap all over the floor. Try not to bother the bats. They tend to panic easily."

Po and Viper looked high to the ceiling, and saw the shadowy form of the bats sleeping hanging upside down above their heads.

"I'm gonna watch my step around here," said Po.

"Good idea," agreed Viper.

"Once I gather the mushrooms I need, we'll have to make our way around the edges to continue down to the next cavern."

"We have to go around this stink?!" asked Po.

"That's right."

Being fairly small and light, she could scrabble from the top of mushroom to mushroom and avoid the stinky mess on the floor below. She carefully plucked the mushrooms she needed so she would still have a path back to the others. Po and Viper just stayed near the entrance until Scorpion was done with her collections. Then they all followed the edge around until they got to the tunnel on the other side.

As they made their way down, it grew even warmer and steamier. Then they came to a section that was flooded almost to the top. There was barely room for Po to keep his nose above the water level.

"It's alright," said Scorpion, "There should be air all the way to the other side. I've been this way a few times myself,.. although I've never really felt safe swimming across here. I don't exactly know why."

"I can swim across with no trouble," said Viper, "What about you, Po?"

"I think I can manage," he replied.

"I'll have to leave the mushrooms here," said Scorpion, "It won't do well for them to get soaked when they really need to be dried out. Of course, you won't be able to light the torch on the other sides as well, so you better leave that here too."

"We have to stumble around in the dark?" he asked.

"No," she replied, "There's some luminous mold on the other side that we should be able to see with as long as we don't have to look far."

"That sounds so awesome."

"Well, it is cool to see."

The three of them swam the twenty odd feet or so before they came out of the water up to the knee level on Po. As Scorpion said, there was a faint glow coming from the walls around them.

"What do we need here?" he asked.

"Oh, there's some minerals here that have great value in medicine."

They slowly traveled the rest of the passage until they came to the next cavern. Most of the place was dark, as there was only small patches of the glowing mold around to see by. It was also quite damp, there was small pools of water on the floor, and it was even warmer than any other place in the caves they had been to yet. There was also a sound that grew louder as they went.

"What's that noise?" asked Po.

"It's an underground river," replied Scorpion, "be careful, because if you fall in here, there's no way you'll make it out into the open river without drowning first. There's no fresh air along the way."

"How do you know that?"

"A friend of mine... fell in here... the body washed ashore many miles downriver from here a week or so later..."

"I'm sorry for your loss," he said.

"We knew the risks," she said, "Just as much as I hope you understand them. It shouldn't take long for me to get what I need here..."

She went along gathering pieces of this and that, saying, "Ah, this is good stomach medicine... This is good for beauty creams... This one is good for a cyanide antidote..."

"Wait!" said Viper, "I feel something! Is there a tremor happening?!"

"An earthquake?!" said Po.

"Hope for the best," said Scorpion, "Because there's no way we can get back out of here in time for it to matter any."

The cave began to resonate as it shook. Small stalactites began to break off and fall all around them. Then larger pieces of rock began to break off from the ceiling and fall around them. Po used his arms to cover his head as Scorpion used her pincers to do the same. They all became separated in the darkness as the dust formed a cloud around them. All they could hear was the clatter of the falling stones around them.

A particularly large rock fell, bounced and landed near the edge of the cave. The cave was pierced by Viper's scream of pain. Then a deathly silence fell over the area.

"Viper?!" called Po, "Are you alright?!"

"I'm trapped under a rock!" she called back, "It feels like my tail has been crushed! I don't know if I'll make it!"

"Don't talk like that!" he called back, "I'm coming to save you!"

"I already found her," called Scorpion, "and she's right."

He came in the dark to where Viper was trapped. "I don't care if it's hopeless or not! I have to try and save Viper!"

Huffing and puffing, he managed to push the rock back off Viper.

"I can stop the bleeding and ease the pain with acupuncture," said Scorpion, "But she has to get back to the Jade Palace soon or she'll die! It will take too long to go back the way we came!"

"What can we do?" asked Po, "We can't take the river!"

"There's only one thing, and **it's just plain insane to even try!**"

"So tell me already!"

"If we're exactly where I think I am, a Thundering Wind Hammer aimed straight up should blow right through to the surface. _This would have to be the strongest Thundering Wind Hammer you've ever done in your life!_"

"And the resulting cave in?!"

"We'll have to leap from falling boulder to falling boulder until we get out. _You're the only one who can carry Viper out of here_."

"Yep, that's insane alright."

"_So you're going to let Viper die?!_"

"Oh hell no! _I didn't say we weren't going to do it_, now did I?" said Po as he gingerly wrapped Viper about his neck.

"Po," she said awkwardly, "If we don't make it out of here, **I just want you to know that I love you too!**"

Either Po didn't hear, or he was too busy preparing the most powerful Thundering Wind Hammer he had ever used in his life.

"Ready!" Po shouted, "Steady! FIRE!" A great green blast of energy shot up to and through the overhead rocks. The boulders began to fall as the walls of the cavern collapsed around them. Po and Scorpion began leaping from falling boulder to boulder as they made their way towards the growing hole into the light above them. He leaped from the last falling boulder and just managed to catch the lip of the hole.

But he couldn't get his hands past the crumbling rocks. Viper and he were going to fall back down and he couldn't think of anything to do about it. But then Scorpion's pincers caught his paw. She was scrabbling for purchase as she tried to pull them up. But the side collapsed, they all fell in, and they were all sure they were falling to their doom...

...

Master Tigress looked at the others of the Furious Five as she examined them for cleanliness and overall neatness, and how well they stood at attention. It was something Shifu liked to do, but it was not really Tigress' cup of tea, as it were.

"Have we passed inspection?" asked Master Monkey.

"I don't know," sighed Tigress, "I have no idea what criteria Master Shifu is using for this. Heck, I should probably make you clean the Training Room floor because Po isn't here to screw up and get that punishment himself."

"How thoughtful of you."

"But you're all fine as far as I can tell. Let's just get on with today's training, shall we?"

The other three nodded. As they walked over towards the training hall, she added, "You're all adults, right? I shouldn't have to tell you what you need to do the way Master Shifu seems to think he has to."

"I agree with you there," said Master Crane.

Master Mantis suddenly stopped and shook his head.

"Is something wrong?" asked Tigress.

"I don't know," he replied, "I just got this strange feeling that Viper is somehow in deadly danger."

"Stop eating those Mung Beans before bedtime," said Monkey.

"I guess so."


	12. Chapter 12

Po, the Harem Master

Part 12: Master Eagle saves the Day?!

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po, Master Viper, and Scorpion were all falling back into the cavern they just tried to leap out of. The survival of Po and Scorpion were in doubt, but the injured state of Viper all but sealed her doom. Time itself seemed to slow to a crawl as the last of the rocks and debris fell around them.

"**Po!**" shouted Viper and Scorpion as one, "**I love you! Always!**"

Po watched his life flash before his eyes, and it was a real snooze-fest until he became the Dragon Warrior. He had to admit that he couldn't remember where he was born, and her couldn't remember ever having a mother. Just the fond memories of being raised by Mister Ping to help him out at the Noodle Shop. He began to wonder why his father and him were so different, or why he never saw anyone who looked like himself. There was a vague memory of wolves and a most glorious bird, but no idea to the context of those images.

Then a feathered blur shot by, and they were all being lifted skyward by a most magnificent raptor. The body feathers were deep brown color, and the primary flight feathers were black at the tips, shifting to brown in the middle, and finally turning white at the base. The raptor, an Eagle, had black eyes that floated in pools of yellow (instead of the usual 'whites of the eyes' thing). Their beak was black at the tip shifting to white at the base, a wicked hook at the end of it, and he was sure the claws would surely rend their flesh if that was what was intended.

The eagle was dressed in a fine golden vest trimmed in silver with a sash of gold. There was also a golden hood that covered the head save for the beak which was also trimmed in silver. Around the waist was attached a pair of steel claws with gold trim that looked like it would just fit over the eagle's normal claws.

"MASTER EAGLE?!" shouted Po.

"Oh please," said the feminine voice, "I'm just Shining Eagle. Master Eagle is my father. Why can't anyone who isn't an avian tell us apart?"

"Sorry," he said.

"By the way," asked Eagle, "Who fired off the _Thundering Wind Hammer_? That was about the most impressive thing I've ever seen."

"That's not important right now. _I hate to impose more_, but my friend Master Viper is going to die! If we can't get her back to the Jade Palace in time, all is lost! Please tell me you know where the Jade Palace is!"

"Oh please, I can find that place in my sleep. I'll have you there in a matter of minutes if you don't mind the rush of wind."

"I don't care!" called Po, "JUST FLY!"

"POWER DIVE!" she called as they she swept her wings back, and they began to dive towards the ground at a fairly steep angle. They plunged down the side of the mountain towards the forest below. The rush of wind was deafening. Po couldn't even imagine they were diving around 200 miles per hour, as he had no concept of even how fast that was. The screaming dive ended as they leveled out just above the level of the bamboo trees.

"THAT! WAS! AWESOME!" shouted Po. He had never traveled so fast in his life. The bamboo trees passed under them so fast, he could not tell them apart. But soon the Jade Palace came into view, as did the town that supported it. They slowed down slightly as the Eagle began to climb up again towards the Palace grounds. She flew over the Palace walls as she aimed down towards the ground.

Fenghuang was walking towards the Training Hall when she saw them fly in.

"_Shining Eagle_?!" she called as she saw the raptor, "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Well, _Fenghuang_, I guess we meet again!" called the eagle, "Ready to battle me?! This time I won't let you win so easily!"

"You'll never be better than me!"

"Let my dump this load..."

"**HEY STOP IT!**" shouted Po at the top of his lungs, "**VIPER NEEDS HELP RIGHT AWAY! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU TWO DID **_**IN THE PAST**_**! FENGHUANG HAS ****CHANGED**** ANYWAYS!**"

"You're joking, right?" said Shining Eagle as she let Po and the others down to the ground softly.

"No," sighed Fenghuang, "He's right. _I have changed_. I'm not nearly so vain or arrogant anymore. There's others I care about now. Oogway saw that in me... before passing on to the next life."

"Oogway is one with the Universe now?!"

"Yes."

Po carried Viper towards the infirmary as Scorpion followed at his heels.

"I guess the _eagles_ are the last to hear these things," mused Shining Eagle.

"And the _gorillas_," added the owl, "No one **wants** to tell them anything."

Po laid Viper out on a cot as Scorpion said, "I need hot clean water, cotton and lined wraps. I'll also need the strongest alcohol you have. The clearer, the better. This is going to require a little operation, and it won't be pretty." She snapped her pincers to prove her point. "If the sight of blood bothers you, you shouldn't look at this."

"I'll get the stuff," he said as he went out. He ran to the infirmary storage room for everything but the alcohol, and then set off for the kitchen for that. Coming back, he said, "I got the stuff!"

"Leave it on the other cot," replied Scorpion, "I'm about to get busy for a while."

"I'll see if I can find Tigress and the others! They're probably at the training hall!"

He burst into the Training Hall as he saw the others working out.

"Master Tigress!" he yelled.

They came over to him as Tigress said, "So what's the emergency?"

"MASTER VIPER WAS HURT BAD!" he said, "SCORPION IS TRYING TO SAVE HER NOW!"

"Take us to her at once!" commanded Tigress.

Po rushed back towards the infirmary as Tigress, Monkey, Mantis and Crane followed. They rushed into the room as Scorpion turned to face them. The water was just a little bloodied, and her lower body was wrapped in the now somewhat bloody linens.

"I did everything I could," she said.

"Will she live?!" he asked.

"She'll recover," she replied, "but there was damage I couldn't fix."

"What was that?!"

"There was a lot of damage to her ovum and uterus," she answered, "I did what I could, but there will be scarring... _bad scarring_... the scarring will most likely render her... sterile for the rest of her life. She may never bear a child..."

Po rushed to hug Viper as her will broke, and she began to weep and wail on his shoulder like he had never heard her cry before. Every once of pain and anguish flooded out of her as she made enough noise to alert everyone in the barracks and around it.

"I'm so sorry," he said quietly over and over.

"It's not your fault," said Scorpion, "or anyone's fault. It was an act of the gods. It was an accident. But when she heals in a couple of weeks, and we unwrap her tail, she might be fine. There might not be any scarring at all. I've seen miracles like that before. But I'm not holding my breath. This kind of injury almost never has a happy ending to it."

"I'll settle for her being alive," he answered.

"But right now, she really needs her rest."

"I don't think she can do that now," said Po as she wailed and wept on his shoulder.

"Alright," she replied, "Sorry about this."

Before Po could ask Scorpion what she was talking about, she tapped a pressure point on the back of Viper's head and made her pass out quietly. Po laid the snake out on the bed, and pulled the sheets up to her head and about the last half a foot of her neck.

"I promise I'll check up on her regularly," said Quiong Qi.

Po nodded as he stepped out into the hall. With Tigress and the others just behind him, he bumped into Fenghuang and Shining Eagle as they came in.

"So Tai Lung did that to you?" asked Shining Eagle as she looked at Fenghuang's wings in slings, "I heard he was a bit of a bastard before he was hauled off to prison somewhere, but that's just uncouth! Not honorable at all, I say!"

"Oh, it hurt like hell, too," she replied.

"I guess our rematch will just have to wait until you get better, then."

"With help, I should be well again by the end of the week."

"I wish you well and godspeed on your recovery."

"Thank you."

Looking at Po, Shining Eagle asked, "Is your friend Viper going to be alright?"

"She'll live," he answered, "but there's serious doubt if she'll ever have any children."

"Maybe if I dove steeper,.." she said.

"No, that wouldn't have made _any difference_ here. I thank you for doing the best you could have."

"Alright."

"Po is one of the most loyal friends anyone could have," whispered Fenghuang to Shining Eagle, "He saved my life and made me think about things... differently. If you think I haven't really changed by the time my wings heal, I promise I'll let you kill me without a fuss."

"That's a serious offer you're making."

"Deadly serious," she replied.

"Very well, I shall take you at your word. If after our battle, I have judged you to not have changed your ways, _I will kill you_."

"I expect nothing less. You should speak to the Dragon Warrior. Po can tell you all about how different I am now."

"I will make a point of speaking to the Dragon Warrior then."

"I think you will find speaking to him... _enlightening_."

"Yeah, she's different know," said Po, "I can vouch for that much."

"Well, I'd rather speak to you _more privately_ later on," she replied.

"Uh... alright. Why's that?"

"Because I want to be sure that your opinions about Fenghuang are actually your own opinions."

"Uh... why wouldn't they be?"

"Because she has a reputation for _making people agree with her_, shall we say?"

"_I'm wounded_," said Fenghuang.

"I know that," replied Po.

"She was talking about _her pride_, not her wings and body," said Shining Eagle.

"Oh..."

"Are you planning to dress sometime today?"

"I am dressed," she replied, "as much as Tigress let me."

"I'm not stopping her," said Tigress, "The medicine in her bandages dried a while ago. She somehow thinks this is some kind of revenge on my part for what happened back in the bamboo forest, but I think she's imagining the whole thing."

Fenghuang sniffed, "_I'm not_." She turned just her head to face Po. "Po?" she asked, "Would you be a _dear_ and help me dress then?"

"You want a guy to help you dress?" he asked.

"No, just you. _I can trust you_. After all, I trust you to handle my wings gently. You can take off the slings and put them back on with care. When you help me dress, I'm sure you'll pay attention to any distress I might have."

"Uh... okay..."

"Well let's go, great and powerful Dragon Warrior," she cooed as she walked back towards the student barracks, "Let's not keep me waiting, shall we?"

"Uh... sure..." Po followed Fenghuang as she went into the student barracks.

"She has him wrapped around her little talon," grumbled Tigress, "or at least she _thinks_ she does."

"You _don't_ think she does?" asked Shining Eagle.

"He's just humoring her because of his good nature," she replied, "but one day, she'll push him too far, make one too many demands, and _she'll find out just how wrong she really is_."

"What do you feel about him?"

"Huh?" she asked absentmindedly, "He's... he's... _that's not particularly important right now_..."

"Oh, I see," she replied, "So you don't mind that she's _snuggling_ up to him? That's she playing to make him her own _play toy_?"

"_I don't know what you're talking about!_" Tigress objected as she blushed.

"Oh, I think you do."

...

"Be gentle with me," cooed Fenghuang as he gently removed her wings from her slings, "They're still sensitive, _darling_."

"I am," he replied, "uh... _darling_?"

"Oh, I _knew_ you had feelings for me!" she cooed.

"Uh-huh..."

He gently helped her into her undergarments.

"Oh, you ruffled my breast feathers," she said as she glanced down her herself, "be a darling and smooth them out for me, would you?"

"You won't yell or anything, would you?"

"Of course I wouldn't do something like that for _something I asked you to do_."

He carefully and gently smoothed down her breast feathers.

"But you do like doing it, _don't you?_"

"Ah!" he yelped, "I'm not a sicko!"

"Oh, I was just _teasing_ you then," she cooed, "I know you aren't really a sicko."

"All right," he sighed in relief.

"It's perfectly normal for you to like my body," she replied, "I totally understand."

He gulped as he finished smoothing her breast feathers.

"Now be a dear and help me with my robes and sash, would you?"

He nodded quickly. Once he was done, she then said, "Put my wings back in their slings, and we're all done here, okay?" He nodded again.

When he was finished, she closed her eyes and rubbed the side of her head against his chest. "You know," she cooed, "_I love you_ because you're the nicest, kindest, most loving person I've ever known. _I'll do __anything__ for you_, you know. You just have to ask me." She raised her head and looked into his eyes. "_ANYTHING_."

"Maybe you could... _GLURK_!" he said as he was cut off by a deep beak to lip kiss from the owl. She closed her eyes again as she purred into the kiss. He began to wonder why he never saw those sneaky kiss attacks coming.

"Really Po?" asked Tigress as she separated them again, "A little decorum?" He wondered how long she was observing them, or when she decided to step in on them.

"Hwaaa..." he said nonsensically.

"Oh," said the owl as she circled Tigress, "I think _someone_ here is just feeling a little left out."

"_I don't know what you're_..." she started, but then Fenghuang used her head to push her right into Po's arms as she protested, "Hey!"

Po grabbed Tigress to keep to keep them both from falling over. She found herself staring into his eyes as he looked wide eyed back. His arms were wrapped about her torso.

"Go on, Tigress," encouraged the owl, "_You know you want to!_"

"You all right?" he asked her innocently.

"I... I..." she stammered.

"Just kiss her, you dolt!" said Fenghuang, "That's what she wants the most!"

They both blushed hotly as he kissed her on the lips. Even Fenghuang was surprised by how many minutes the two of them spent with their lips locked together. But soon he broke off as he whispered to her, "_I'm not ready to choose just __**one**__ of you_."

Tigress looked dismayed. She looked shocked. Breaking from his arms, she fled the room swiftly.

"When it comes to love, Tigress is just so innocent," cooed Fenghuang, "_It's just so precious_. Well let's just check in on your other patient. Viper might just need your help _even more than I do_."

Po nodded as he followed Fenghuang from the room. He had no idea that she might be using Viper as another bargaining chip for her, and against Tigress.


	13. Chapter 13

Po, the Harem Master

Part 13: Po and the Rivalry

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po and Fenghuang made their way through the hallways to see how Viper was doing.

"Fenghuang!" said Po, "Why did you have to do that?"

"What?" she asked back innocently, "Encourage Tigress to express her true feelings for you? Ask you to express your feelings for her? _You're the one who said you couldn't just pick __**one**__ of us_. Just how many of '_us_' are there?"

"Uh..." he said as he hymned and hawed, "Well... That is to say... I mean..."

"_That many, huh_? _Are you just playing the field, or are you really just a womanizer using us for your own amusement_?"

"Hey!" objected Po, "_Not fair!_ I just try to be nice to everyone!"

"I thought so," said the owl, "but I couldn't help but tease you about it some first."

"Oh..." he said softly as they walked into Viper's room.

Scorpion was still tending to Viper. She had apparently just changed the wrapping about her tail, but Viper seemed to be awake and alert now. When Fenghuang and Po entered, she lifted her head to gaze at them. While it was the owl who came in first, it was the panda who spoke first.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Better," she replied, "Scorpion says I should stay in bed to make sure I don't reopen any of the injuries in my tail. Please tell Tigress she'll have to handle all of your training until I'm back up and around."

"Will do," he answered, "You just rest up and get better."

"I'll... try..." she said as her voice faltered.

He leaned closer to her as he hugged the upper part of her body and neck softly.

"Thank you," she whispered into his ear, "_You're the best friend I've ever had_."

"I'll be here for you," he whispered back.

Fenghuang leaned close as well and said quietly, "I know we haven't known each other very long, but I want you to know I will be here for you as well. Please, I wish you the best in recovery. I'm no stranger to serious injuries myself. Perchance we can be good friends as well."

Viper looped her neck about the owl's in a gentle hug as she said, "Thank you. I want you to know that means a lot to me."

"Well as long as you're here," said Scorpion, "I need to get some food. Keep an eye on Viper while I'm gone, would you?"

"Of course," said Po.

"You're the best," she replied as she scrabbled out of the room.

"Keep it up," said Po to Fenghuang, "And you'll have a whole lot of true friends before you know it."

"You really think so?"

"Oh, _I know so_."

An awkwardly small silence fell over the room.

"So are you hungry?" asked Po.

"No," she replied, "I'm good."

"Are you tired?" asked Fenghuang, "I wouldn't want to keep you up if you want to go back to sleep."

"Oh, I'm good for a few hours," replied Viper.

The awkward silence returned for awhile until Po asked Fenghuang, "So what's the deal between you and Shining Eagle?"

"It's not that hard," she replied, "She was young and eager to prover herself. I was the Master that everyone wanted to take down. We fought, I won, and I thought that was the end of it."

"I see," said Po, "You two didn't seem like that was such a... friendly fight."

"Well, I didn't hold back. I finished her off with a Thundering Wind Hammer. In looking back, I hurt her pretty badly. Probably more than I should have. Then I made a point of mocking and ridiculing her in front of her peers. Back then, I was setting an example for any fool... challenger... that came up against me in the future."

"I could see why she might... bear a grudge against you."

Fenghuang sighed as she looked down, paused a moment, and said softly, "I suppose I could too."

"Well, I'll do anything I can to help convince her you're not the person you were before. I don't want to see you killed off hand, because that won't fix anything. _Revenge never fixes anything_."

"I _used_ to think it did."

"You teased me before about how I can't chose just **one** of you," said Po softly, "but the truth of the matter is, _you're all special to me_. You all mean a lot to me."

Spontaneously, both Fenghuang and Viper kissed him on the opposite cheeks. He blushed just a bit as they made their kisses linger for awhile.

"_You_ mean a lot to me, too," said Viper and Fenghuang as one quietly into the ear that they were the closest to. They barely noticed that they had said the same thing at the same time.

Scorpion returned with a bowl of streamed buns. She popped one in her mouth, and then said, "Well, I think its time that Viper got some rest. Perhaps you should think about the same."

"_You_ could spend the night with _me_," suggested Viper and Fenghuang as one. He was confused that he was hearing the same conversation in each ear, but in a different voice.

"Hey," he said as he patted his padded belly, "I wouldn't want to take the chance of hurting either of you any worse with all of this _bodacious awesomeness_. Perhaps it's just for the best that we spend the night separately, shall we?"

The two nodded while Scorpion just shook her head. "Well since Po's room is between yours," she said, "It's best that I stay in his room so I can most easily check on the two of you all night long."

"Hey, why does _she_ get to sleep with you?" objected Viper and Fenghuang as one.

"Uh... she doesn't sleep with me, she sleeps under my cot..."

"I've seen her sleeping on your head," protested Viper.

"Oh please," said Scorpion, "I can't believe you two adults are _jealous_ of that. It's not like _anything_ is going on between us, right _Po_?"

"Of course there isn't!" objected Po.

"Me thinks he objects too much," observed Viper.

"As do I," commented Fenghuang.

"Look... ah..." stammered Po, "It's about time I took you back to bed..."

"_Oh, I agree_," she cooed.

Viper and Scorpion both gave Po such a look.

"_It's not like that at all!_" he cried.

"Oh, I'm sure he'll be the _perfect gentleman_," said Fenghuang.

"That's right."

"I trust you," said Viper softly.

"I guess I trust you too," agreed Scorpion.

Po helped Fenghuang to leave the room, and escort her back to her own. He helped her up into bed as she suddenly kissed him beak to lips again. Her talons helped keep him from slipping away. The kiss lasted for a few minutes.

When she let him go at last, she said "Of course, there's nothing wrong with a kiss from a gentleman."

"Durrh..." he muttered incoherently. Half expecting Tigress to separate them again, he was surprised when she didn't. He glanced to the door to see that no one was there.

"You don't have to leave," she cooed, "_I'd be just fine if you stayed the night with me_."

"Well... I... uh... really need..."

"I guess you _have_ changed," said someone who wasn't there just a second earlier, "Certainly making such a blatant appeal to a man is among the last things I'd ever expect from the mighty Fenghuang."

Po glanced at the door to see Shining Eagle there. He was almost glad someone was there to save him from... almost certain temptation.

"_True love_ changes you," she answered, "It makes you ashamed of some of the things you did before. The way I treated you the last time we fought... was wrong... it was dishonorable." She looked down at her own feet.

"Well I have yet to decide if you've truly changed or not," replied the eagle, "So I'll take the panda off your talons for a while. I'm sure you can manage _one_ night without him."

She looked wistfully at Po as she sighed, "Oh, it might not be as easy as you make it out to be..."

As the panda and eagle left, the owl lay back and closed her eyes. '_Po, so innocent, such a dolt_,' she thought, '_why did it have to be __him__?!_'

...

"So I take it you're out for vengeance against Fenghuang?" asked Po.

"_That's not the eagle way_," replied Shining Eagle, "Master Eagle has always been about truth and the honorable way."

"She admitted to me that she went too far," said Po, "Hurt you with the _Thundering Wind Hammer_ and her martial arts, and then insulted and belittled you in front of your peers. One could see how they would want revenge for such poor treatment."

"And I told you, _I don't work that way_."

"So you are willing to give her a chance to prove she's changed?"

"I said I would. If nothing else, _Eagles are beings of their word_."

"Then that's all I can ask of you."

"Then perhaps a friendly Kung Fu match tomorrow would help me see what sort of person _you are_."

"Me?"

"Yes. Much of Fenghuang's defense is rather dependent upon your word and what kind of person you really are at heart."

"Well as long as it remains friendly, I'd love to fight you tomorrow."

"So let us agree not to use our most dangerous techniques, like say... the _Thundering Wind Hammer_?"

"So you knew that was me all along? That I used it to blow through the cave ceiling?"

"Oh, I had my suspicions that it had to be _you, Dragon Warrior._"

"Then I shall see you in the morning?"

"Well, you will need a guest room if you're spending the night here," said Po, "I'm pretty sure I know of an empty room that should meet your needs. Besides, I should show you around the place, such as the kitchen and the bath."

"Rather generous of you. Thank you very much."

"All right, just follow me then."

Po led Shining Eagle to the kitchen, the bath, and finally to her own guest room.

...

Shining Eagle stood before her father, Master Eagle. He stood facing away from her so she could only see the back of his broad shoulders, legs and wings. There was not much else to see because of his snow white robes and sash.

"I'm so sorry, father," she said, "I failed you by losing to Fenghuang."

"The way she beat you was _not honorable_," he said in his deep voice, "but you were not ready to fight such a formidable opponent as _her_."

She looked down at herself and noticed all the bandages she was wrapped in under her own garments.

"I blame myself for not stopping the challenge," he continued, "It's my fault you weren't properly prepared for this fight.I should have protected you like a father should."

"It's not your fault, father!" she cried, "The fault is _all mine_! You didn't even know about our fight until it was too late to protect me! I was too _proud and arrogant_ for my own good! I know now that I must work much harder to train and get my Kung Fu to surpass... _hers_!"

"And yet I must give up Kung Fu to cover for my own shame. I can no longer fight in the name of justice and honor," he said, "and I must find someone who is worthy to use the Blade of Bao Ding to further the cause of justice!"

"No, don't do that!" cried Shining Eagle, "Not for me! _I'm not worth it!_"

"I must make sure you are protected from this day forward. It is my duty to look out for my own family, and to accept responsibility for their actions."

"_**I'm so sorry, FATHER!**_"

"With your mother gone these long years, I neglected you. I should have spent more time with you. Your training and welfare should have mattered more to me than fighting evil and teaching others. _Perhaps this horrible incident could have been avoided_."

She watched horrified as he removed his white _Hood of Honor_ and dropped it to the floor next to him.

"Master Eagle is no more. I'm just your father now."

"**NO!**"

...

Shining Eagle awoke in a cold sweat. She was laying in a cot in the dark. It was just a dream. A nightmare about what happened between her and her father after she had been so badly beaten and shamed by Fenghuang. In her heart, she still couldn't shake her desire for _revenge_ against the owl.


	14. Chapter 14

Po, the Harem Master

Part 14: Po and the Friendly Duel

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Shining Eagle managed to fall asleep again after her nightmare, but then woke up a few hours later. She went to find Po, and found that he was still snoringly fast asleep. Deciding against waking him, she went to breakfast with the Furious Five (including Master Viper), Master Fenghuang, and Scorpion for a modest breakfast of yóudoùfu fěnsī (a soup made by fried tofu and cellophane noodles) and plain rice porridge prepared for them by the lady goose who cleaned the student barracks up once a week. Normally, Tigress only ate fried doufu for breakfast, but she would make an exception once a week for her cooking as much as she would now make an exception for one of Po's dinners.

"Po and I shall fight a friendly duel after he gets up," said the eagle plainly.

"Well unless you want to wait until noon," said Tigress, "I better get him up now."

"I plan a little workout first."

"Well, Po needs a little workout too."

"If it's not too much of a bother..."

"No," said Tigress evenly, "It's not." She then said under her breath, "I'm starting to like getting him up in the morning."

"Pardon?"

"Oh, nothing important," she replied hastily, "I'll get him up as soon as I'm done here."

"Thank you," said the eagle.

"Mind if I watch?" asked Fenghuang.

"No," she replied, "I don't mind at all. I'm not trying to hide anything from our duel after your wings are fully healed, after all."

"Thank you."

"Besides," said Tigress, "He eats breakfast whenever he gets up, which usually means he's eating lunch right after eating breakfast."

"I suppose that's part of the reason he's so... uh... round," mused the eagle as she looked for the right word to use.

"That's one way to put it," she replied.

"I find it difficult to comprehend how he can use such advanced techniques like the Thundering Wind Hammer when he's... uh... That is to say..."

"So out of shape?" finished Tigress.

"Yes."

"As he likes to say, 'He's gifted'."

"Very gifted, I would have to say. I shall certainly not underestimate him in our fight today."

Tigress finished her food and went off to retrieve Po.

"What do you think you'll learn by battling Po?" asked Monkey, "His secret techniques?"

"No," she replied, "We agreed not to use them. This will be a straight forward ground fight. I won't fly any higher than Po can leap. I am going to assess his character. His words seem to play a vital role in the defense of Fenghuang."

"Wow, that's sounds real traditional."

"It is. My father used to do that a lot when new students came to him."

"Used to?"

"Yes, he's _retired_ from Kung Fu right now."

"Hmm, I didn't think he was that old."

"He retired for... _other reasons_."

"Battle injuries?"

"No," she replied awkwardly, "but that's not important right now."

"Okay."

Tigress returned with Po in tow. Her cheeks were burning red as she dragged him into the room. He still seemed half awake.

"Something wrong, Tigress?" asked Crane.

"NO!" she snapped, but then she stopped to take a deep breath and say again more softly, "No, there is nothing wrong. _Nothing wrong at all_."

"_Me thinks she protests too much_," whispered Fenghuang to Viper.

"_I agree_," whispered Viper back.

"What was that?" asked Tigress.

"Nothing," said Viper.

"Just a friendly little side bet on the fight," said Fenghuang.

"Well,.. as long as it isn't something too serious," said Tigress.

"_Oh heavens forbid_," she said lightly.

"I see."

The elderly goose set a couple of bowls before Po as he sat down at the table.

"I shall do a little training before we battle," said Shining Eagle close to Po's ear, "before we duel later on. Hopefully, you will be as ready as me."

"Oh, I'll make sure he's ready," said Tigress.

"Unfortunately," said Scorpion, "I don't think Viper is up to going outside long enough to watch."

Shining Eagle left at that point.

"_Aw_," sighed Viper as she looked at Scorpion.

"Wanna ride back to your room?" asked Fenghuang.

Viper glanced at Scorpion, who just shrugged.

"_I think I will_," said Viper as she coiled about the owl's neck and shoulders.

She walked to the door, turned her head 180 degrees, and said, "I'll see the rest of you outside for the battle." Turning her head back, she left, but not before Viper put in a word. Scorpion followed along behind.

"I'm rooting for _you_, Po," said Viper softly, "Fight well and win for me."

"Or me," said Scorpion, "I'm sure with my acupressure and my healing touch, I'll make you feel _all better_ afterwords."

"_Or me_," cooed Fenghuang, "_I'm sure I could arrange a little reward if you win, big boy_."

Tigress face-palmed herself.

"Hey," said Master Monkey sarcastically, "Let's not get Po _too excited_ over here."

"Huh?" asked Po.

"Oh, it's _nothing_."

"It's too late," muttered Tigress to herself. If anyone heard her, they acted like they didn't.

A few minutes passed as Po ate, and then ate seconds.

"Time to go," she said as she stood him up.

"But..."

"No time for thirds or fourths," she interrupted, "Let's go get ready to fight."

"But..."

"If you want to win, _you have to take this fight seriously_."

"But I do..."

"Yeah yeah, let's go."

"Okay."

Tigress dragged Po away.

...

The Furious Five (minus Viper), Fenghuang, Shining Eagle and Po assembled outside for their friendly match.

"Since you cannot fly, it would be dishonorable for me to do so," said Shining Eagle, "Therefore I shall battle you on the ground, and I promise not to leap higher than you can... By the way, how high can you leap?"

"I don't know," he replied, "Let me try..."

He managed to jump a foot upwards.

"Maybe a running jump?" asked Shining Eagle.

"Okay."

He ran several feet and leap prodigiously... three feet forward and about one foot upwards.

"Well, I guess this is going to be a strictly ground battle," mused Shining Eagle.

"I guess throwing yourself off a cliff is not as hard or impressive as I thought," muttered Fenghuang.

"Apparently we need to work on that," sighed Tigress.

"He was more impressive in the training hall," muttered Monkey.

"I suggest you go to the south end of the Courtyard," said Tigress to Shining Eagle, "and Po goes to the north end. Is that acceptable?"

Shining Eagle nodded as did Po. They separated as they walked to their starting positions. The two turned sideways to each other, and stood with one hand forward and another kept back.

"As the acting master of the Jade Palace," said Tigress as she walked between them, "I shall act as the officiator of this match."

Shining Eagle and Po bowed to Tigress, and then bowed to each other. Tigress raised her hand as she said, "The rules are simple. The battle continues until one side surrenders, or I declare a winner based on my decision that one side is clearly winning, the other side is clearly injured, or the other side has cheated. You are not allowed by agreement to use any special chi-based techniques, and Shining Eagle has agreed not to fly. When I drop my hand, the match shall begin."

They all watched and waited for Tigress to begin the match. Seconds seemed to crawl by until she finally dropped her hand and stepped back from the field.

Tigress face-palmed herself as Po rushed forward to attack. Shining Eagle rolled onto her back as he came close, grabbed his leading arm with her foot while planting her other foot into his chest, lifted him up and over her, slammed him into the ground on the other side, used his momentum to come up on top of him as he rolled over onto his stomach, and finally twisted his arm behind his back in a near perfect arm lock. With her strength and leverage, he could not get out of her grasp.

"All right," said Tigress, "The point goes to Shining Eagle. Release him."

She let go as she hopped off his back.

"That! Was! Awesome!" said Po as the eagle raised an eyebrow.

He didn't notice (mercifully) that everyone else had face-palmed (face-clawed or face-winged) as well.

"Thank you," she replied, "but your flattery will not distract me from this fight. Now let us continue."

Po nodded. He raised his hands in a defensive boxing stance, signaling he was not going to be the aggressor this time.

Shining Eagle rolled forward, thrust a kick up through his guard from the ground, and planted a solid kick under his chin. The blow staggered him, making him fall to his back.

Tigress face-palmed as she announced, "Another point to Shining Eagle."

Shining Eagle stood as she said, "Is this some kind of joke? Are you playing with me? When are you going to take me seriously?"

"Ha-durr," said Po as his eyes rolled around. He shook his head.

"_I expected the Dragon Warrior to be more of a threat than this_."

"All right," he said softly, "Time to bring the _awesomeness_." He rushed forward to attack again.

Tigress face-palmed as the eagle rolled onto her back and used her feet to grab his arm again. But he was ready this time. When she grabbed his leading arm, his following arm reached out and grabbed the foot that grabbed his arm. He turned sideways so the foot she planted in his chest slid off. Planting his own head into her chest, he rolled onto her with his vastly superior mass. Rolling onto his back, he used his arms and legs to pin the eagle in a full body hug.

Tigress looked between her fingers as she stammered softly, "Uh... point to Po?.. Release?" It almost sounded more like a suggestion than an actual command.

The panda released the eagle as they both got back to their feet.

"I see what you did there," said Shining Eagle, "You lulled me into a false sense of security by letting me score a few easy points. That was strategically clever of you. As I thought, _you were holding back on me_."

The two bowed to each other before they resumed their ready stances. Po returned to his boxing stance as he watched the eagle.

She tried again to roll forward and thrust a kick up under his guard again, but he grabbed her feet this time, pushed her legs back against her body and fell stomach first on top of the eagle again.

Tigress looked on wide-eyed as she said, "Point to Po. Release."

"I think I know what you're doing," said Po, "You're giving me openings now to see if I treat you with honor and respect. To see if I would try to hurt you in a friendly match. Well I am honorable. I won't exploit my opponents so I can land a cheap blow on them. Even on Temutai, _I wouldn't fight dishonorably even though he was much larger and much stronger than me_."

"You're right," she said back, "I was testing you, and you have passed so far."

Tigress and the others could have been bowled over with a feather as they stared open-mouthed at the panda and the eagle.

"So let's just make this a clean contest of skill, shall we?"

She nodded. Hopping forward, she thrust a foot-punch at his chest. When he blocked that, he realized too late that the kick was a feint for a couple of wing-chops at the sides of his head. Her wings almost boxed his ears as he staggered back, but clearly she was not aiming for his ears. The blows landed high, almost on the top of his head where his skull was the thickest and best protected. She could have struck at his ears to stun him, or struck at the thin parts of his temples to injure him, but she did not.

"Point to Shining Eagle," said Tigress.

"Your training is great," said Po, "It's totally awesome!"

"Are you trying to _distract me with praise_?" she asked.

"No," muttered Tigress, "He acts like that to any Kung Fu expert or anyone else he's impressed with."

"I see." She bowed to Po and said, "I surrender to you."

But Po bowed at the same time and said, "I yield to you."

They blinked at each other as the others looked on with stares (except for Fenghuang, who was just smirking as she looked).

"You were holding back and clearly going to win on the next move," said Shining Eagle.

"You were clearly winning," said Po at the same time, "I'm sure you would have won on the next..."

They blinked at each other again as the others looked on with stares (except for Fenghuang, who was just smirking as she looked).

"I declare this fight a draw," said Tigress.

The panda and the eagle bowed to each other, and then bowed to Tigress.

"_Your honor and your word are both credible and beyond reproach_," said Shining Eagle, "So if Fenghuang can prove to me that she's truly changed her heart, I shall not kill her after our own battle." She bowed to the owl, who bowed back.

"I hope I can prove I'm not the same as the owl I was the last time we fought," she replied.

"I'm hungry," said Po, "Who wants sticky buns for lunch? I'll make my _special sweet soy bean paste_ filling with them."

"Actually," said the eagle, "that does sound... delicious. I would like some if that's alright."

"If the Dragon Warrior thing doesn't work out," commented Monkey, "You always have a future as a house husband and chef."

The others chucked at that, although Tigress was trying to hide her reaction.


	15. Chapter 15

Po, the Harem Master

Part 15: Po and the Apocalypse Yao

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Master Shifu and Tai Lung walked into the gates of Temutai's seat of power and that of the Qidan Clan as if they belonged there. As if they owned the place. The glares and snarls from Tai Lung alone kept the large water buffalo warriors at bay. But the massive Temutai simply glared down at them from his throne of stone.

"SO WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" hollered Temutai down on them.

"Greetings, Mighty Temutai," said Tai Lung smoothly, "My name is Tai Lung." He gestured to his smaller companion as he added, "and this is my Master, Master Shifu."

"FUNNY, I THOUGH YOU WERE ROTTING IN CHORH-GOM PRISON!"

"I got time off... for good behavior. But that's not why we're here."

"THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"

"We have heard that you lost to the Dragon War..."

"IT WAS A DRAW!"

"Well, then let us say you didn't beat the Dragon Warrior."

"AND YOUR POINT IS?!"

"Please explain, Master Shifu."

Shifu stepped forward, cleared his throat and said, "I know for a fact that Grand Master Yao, the greatest mind Kung Fu has ever known, is on his way to the Jade Palace. It's a stopover on his trip to the capital. He's traveling in his meditation box with four attendants. There are no warriors with him."

"AND?!"

"He knows ALL Kung Fu. I we take him, and make him tell us the secrets of Kung Fu, it would surely become child's play to DESTROY the Dragon Warrior."

"WAIT ONE SECOND, SHIFU!" he yelled, "YOU'RE FROM THE **JADE PALACE!** AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ON HIS SIDE?!"

"I assure you that Panda is a FAKE and a FRAUD! Tai Lung should be the Dragon Warrior! One of the Furious Five should be the Dragon Warrior! Not that incredible FAKE!"

"BUT HE DID THE IMPOSSIBLE THUNDERING WIND HAMMER! I SAW IT! HOW CAN HE BE A FAKE?!"

"Nothing but a FLUKE! A beginner's luck!" Master Shifu paused to take a few deep breaths, and recompose himself as Temutai responded.

"IT ALL SMELLS SUSPICIOUS! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WON'T USE THIS VAST KUNG FU KNOWLEDGE TO TAKE ME OUT OF THE PAINTING?!"

"You don't, any more than we don't know you won't try to use your Kung Fu Knowledge to try and conquer the Valley of Peace."

"YOU HAVE A POINT THERE!"

"So if we work together to kidnap Yao, we agree to share the knowledge we get from him?"

"AS LONG AS NO ONE TRIES TO MONOPOLIZE HIS TIME OR HIDE SECRETS FROM ME, YOUR TERMS ARE AGREEABLE!"

"Remember, this vast and precious knowledge will lose value if we share it with _just anyone_," said Master Shifu as he looked around at Temutai's guards.

"VERY WELL, BUT I DON'T EXPECT MY MEN WILL BE DOING ALL OF THE WORK!"

"Of course," answered Tai Lung, "We'll be pulling our own weight here."

"WHEN DO WE LEAVE?!"

"If we set out tomorrow morning," said Shifu, "We should reach the optimum ambush point in about 2 days."

"WHERE AMBUSH POINT WILL THIS BE?!"

"At the gates to the Village under the Jade Palace itself. They would never expect an attack at that place at that time."

"I APPROAVE!"

"_Not that I care for your opinion, fool_," muttered Tai Lung under his breath.

...

Po found Tigress running around the Student's Barracks in a tizzy.

"Slow down," he said as he caught her, "Take a breath and tell me what's wrong."

She panted a moment before she said, "Nothing's wrong! It couldn't be better! The great Grand Master Yao is stopping by the Jade Palace!"

"Who?"

"Grand Master Yao!"

"Oh wait, isn't he the greatest mind of Kung Fu that ever lived?!"

"The same!"

Po danced as he said, "AND HE'S COMING HERE?!"

"That's what the message said."

"WHEN?!"

"He'll be here for about three hours in about two days time."

"Now I can see why you're so excited!"

Tigress coughed, and said, "I'm not excited. But Master Yao is so important that _everything_ must be in order for his visit. _Every little thing_. This could be one of the greatest events the Palace has ever hosted, Po."

"You mean he's never been here before?"

"Grand Master Oogway never talked about it if he had."

"You'd think the Oogway and Yao would certainly know each other from somewhere."

"I suppose that must be true."

"I'll do what I can to help."

"No, Po," she replied, "You must make up for lost training. Masters Crane, Mantis, Monkey and some of the villagers will take care of the preparations. Viper must rest, and I have to train you myself. It's going to be a busy two days."

It was in fact, a very busy two days. Tigress was training Po to the bone, he was checking up every night on Fenghuang and Viper almost as much as Scorpion was. Tigress had to step in a couple of times to separate Fenghuang from Po with her aggressive displays of affection for him. There was also the matters of eating, sleeping, and bathing to consider.

In the meantime, the Ladies of the Shade bid their farewells, and returned to their own village. They lingered around long enough for Voiceless to give a large hug and kiss on the cheek to one of her best friends in the whole world: Po.

But when the morning came when Master Yao was supposed to arrive, they instead got a panicked villager running up the stairs shouting, "MASTER YAO AND HIS ATTENDANTS ARE UNDER ATTACK AT THE EDGE OF THE VILLAGE!"

Tigress turned and yelled, "YOU HEARD HIM, FURIOUS FIVE! LET'S GO!"

"I'M COMING TOO!" shouted Po.

"COUNT ME IN!" cried Shining Eagle, "I'LL FLY AHEAD AND SCOUT!"

"BE CAREFUL!" cried Tigress as Shining Eagle flew ahead.

"I'LL HELP!" shouted Crane as he flew after her.

Viper slithered ahead before Tigress stopped her and said, "Not this time, Viper. Stay here and rest."

"Aw," she moaned.

"Someone needs to keep Scorpion and Fenghuang company, after all."

"AW!"

"I'd help if I could," muttered Fenghuang as she looked at her wings in slings, "But I'm not very useful like this, am I?"

Tigress, Mantis, Monkey, and Po began running down the stairs towards the Village, and then out to the battle. They hoped they could make it in time.

As Shining Eagle and Master Crane flew over the village, they saw the meditation box of Yao and his four attendants under attack from water buffalo warriors. They were outnumbered at least six to one. The attendants fought fiercely, but their defeat was inevitable.

"NO TIME TO GO BACK!" shouted Shining Eagle, "WE ATTACK NOW OR IT'S TOO LATE!"

"I AGREE!" shouted Crane as the two of them dove to attack.

Shining Eagle attacked first by virtue of her diving speed. Her balled up talons hit the warrior's head so hard, his horns shattered into pieces before he fell over unconscious. She motion continued as she level off to grab the next warrior by the shoulders and push him into the one standing behind him. They both fell to the ground in a senseless heap. She flew out past the brawl as she circled around to come back.

Crane grabbed two of the warriors by the shoulders, lifted them into the air for just a second, and even then managed to throw the two of them a good twenty yards away from the battlefield. Then Crane used his momentum to fly back up into the sky.

A huge rock was chucked at the eagle that she just barely managed to avoid. She saw a giant water buffalo she knew by reputation to be Temutai. He was just out of view behind a very large bush.

"COME DOWN HERE AND FIGHT US, COWARDS!" he shouted at the two birds.

"YOU COME HERE WITH TWO DOZEN WARRIORS TO FIGHT FOR YOU, AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL US COWARDS?!" shouted Shining Eagle back, "THE **COWARD** IS THE ONE WHO WON'T FIGHT FOR THEMSELVES!"

"THEN FIGHT ME IF YOU AREN'T AFRAID!"

"If we beat you, will you take your men and leave in peace _without Grand Master Yao_?!" called Crane.

"IF I BEAT YOU, WE GET TO TAKE YAO WITHOUT ANY RESISTANCE!"

"I accept your terms!"

"I'LL GO FIRST!" shouted the eagle.

"ONE AT A TIME, OR BOTH AT ONCE! IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME!"

"Tell your warriors to stop fighting until this is resolved!" shouted Crane.

"**FINE! EVERYONE ****STOP FIGHTING**** NOW!**" His bellow was so loud that everyone indeed stopped fighting.

They landed as Shining Eagle faced off against Temutai, and Crane standing to one side. The warriors moved aside as well as the attendants circled the meditation box, which was still closed and barred.

'_We just have to stall them long enough for Tigress and the others to get here!_' thought Crane.

She used her wings to make a 'come and get some' gesture at him, and he obliged her by making a charge straight at her. Leaping up, she lashed out at several of the pressure points in his left arm and shoulder as he passed underneath. He stopped his charge, turned, and flexed his left arm and rotated it.

"YOU TRIED TO PAYALYZE MY ARM!" he shouted, "BUT IT DIDN'T WORK! MY BODY IS TO STRONG AND MY HIDE TOO THICK!"

"Oh, I slowed down that arm alright," she replied, "and I'll slow down the rest of your body as well."

He came back leading with his right fist, but she easily moved aside as she repeated her attacks at his right arm instead of the left.

Crane looked to the meditation box, and saw that four water buffalo warriors were running away with it. The attendants were down as well, but it didn't seem right for some reason he just couldn't put his beak on.

"MASTER YAO!" he screamed.

"WHAT MANNER OF TREACHERY IS THIS?!" screamed Shining Eagle.

"THAT WASN'T MY ORDERS!" he yelled back.

"Then who did?!"

A small form leaped onto Master Crane's back as a larger form leaped onto Shining Eagle. When being struck in the pressure points of the back, Crane realized what was wrong: The attendants weren't beaten down, killed or knocked out, they were _paralyzed_. Something the brutish water buffalo warriors could not have possibly done.

"WHY, MASTER SHIFU?!" he screamed as he fell onto his beak.

"I'm sorry it has to be this way!" shouted Master Shifu on his back.

In the meantime, Tai Lung pinned Shining Eagle under his knees as he struck at the pressure points at the sides of her neck. "In seconds," he shouted, "Your heart will stop and YOU WILL DIE!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT WE AGREED TO!" shouted Shifu back at him.

"I AGREED TO NOTHING, MASTER!"

Just then, a large black and white mass struck Tai Lung at an angle, knocking him off Shining Eagle as the two of them tumbled away from her.

As Tai Lung snapped back to his feet, he shouted, "DRAGON WARRIOR?! HOW?!"

Po took a little longer to get up again as he smirked, "It's just amazing that there's so many uses for the _Thundering Wind Hammer_, isn't it?!"

"Your eagle friend will die in seconds!" said Shifu, "_Will you fight Tai Lung, or save her_?!"

Po rushed to Shining Eagle's side as Tai Lung raised his fist to Po's back.

"DAMN YOU!" shouted Shifu, "WE HAVE MASTER YAO! TAI LUNG, WE'RE LEAVING! RETREAT TO TEMUTAI'S LAIR! **NOW!**"

The leopard lowered his fist as Po struck the pressure points at the sides of the eagle's neck. "Yes Master," he replied as they turned and fled, "At once."

"Dragon Warrior," said the eagle weakly, "You should have stopped them. I'm not important enough to..." The touch had come too late. Her heart was failing.

"NO!" said Po firmly, "Even if it means letting them get away with Master Yao, _I can't let you die_!"

He planted both hands into her breast feathers and started pumping her heart from the outside.

"_Just live for me_!"

Tigress and the others arrived to see Po blowing air into Shining Eagle's nose holes. Then he went back to pumping her heart.

"Stop it, Po," she said as she put her hand on his shoulders, "_She's gone_."

"_**I don't believe you!**_"

"I know you have a kind heart, but you have to face..."

Just then, Shining Eagle coughed and breathed in. Po planted an ear against her chest feathers, and said "Her heart is beating! She'll LIVE!"

Tigress looked dumbfounded. He hugged the eagle to his chest.

"Dragon Warrior," she asked, "Why? Master Yao is much more important than the likes..."

"No!" he cried, "You're ALL SPECIAL TO ME! I can't let ANY of you DIE!"

Tigress turned around when she saw that the two of them were crying on each other. "Master Crane and the attendants looked paralyzed. I know that Master Shifu and Tai Lung had something to do with this. Let's get them fixed up at once, Master Mantis. Viper isn't here, so that acupressure work must fall to you."

"At once, Master," said Mantis as he leaped to start working on the attendants.

When Crane was fixed, he leaped up and shouted, "I'll follow them! They can't have gotten too far..."

Tigress put a hand on the base of his wing as she said, "That won't be necessary. There's only one place they could be heading because _Temutai won't let them go anywhere else_. **His own palace**. As soon as... we're ready..." She glanced at Po and Shining Eagle, and continued, "We're ready to go, we'll give chase. Water buffalo are not fast. We'll catch up with them just as they return to the palace, so we can save Master Yao before they can seriously interrogate him. _His secrets cannot fall into their hands_."

"I'm so sorry, father," sobbed Shining Eagle, "I've shamed myself and you again. I failed you like I failed you the day Fenghuang beat and humiliated..."

"Stop talking like that!" shouted Po, "You haven't failed _anyone_! You haven't shamed _anyone_! I saw the attack Tai Lung did, and it was a cowardly attack without honor! _There was nothing you could have done to stop it_! **You are a skilled, noble and honorable Kung Fu warrior, and I won't let ANYONE tell you otherwise!** NOT EVEN YOURSELF!"

Shining Eagle broke down in Po's arms and wept all the harder.

...

Shifu and Tai Lung ran through the bamboo forest as they followed the collective warriors of the Qidan and their leader hauling the meditation box with them.

"You should have let me kill them, Master!"

"No!" he shouted back, "We needed them alive as examples of the foolishness of fighting us!"

"The crane could have told them all by..."

"No, that won't do. The Crane is a scatterbrain. _I promise you'll get your chance to kill the Dragon Warrior when you are prepared, the time is right, and __**not one minute sooner**_**!**"

"Yes Master," he replied glumly.


	16. Chapter 16

Po, the Harem Master

Part 16: Yao is the Time for All Good Men

To Come to the Aid of Their Master

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Master Shifu, Tai Lung, Temutai, and his warrior group managed to get back to his ruined fortress with the meditation box of Grand Master Yao. Temutai opened the box, grabbed Yao, walked over to the stone pillar, and hung him upside down from the iron chains there. Shifu and Tai Lung walked just behind him.

"My goodness," said Yao as he looked over Temutai, "You're a big one, aren't you?"

"I'm truly sorry about the treatment, Master Yao," said Shifu, "but these are extraordinary times requiring extraordinary measures."

"Oh look at these chains," muttered Yao, "Exquisite!"

Temutai slammed his fist into the stone, cracking it right next to Yao's head, exclaiming "TELL US THE SECRETS OF KUNG FU IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!" His muzzle was right in Yao's face.

"Oh, such strong garlic breath," muttered Yao, "Exquisite!"

"I'M SERIOUS!"

"Your horns are so pointy!" he exclaimed, "Can I touch them?!"

Temutai turned his head to Shifu and asked, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?!"

"He spends all of his time meditating about Kung Fu," replied Shifu, "He doesn't get out much."

"YOU HAVE UNTIL TOMORROW MORNING TO TALK OR YOUR HEAD GOES BYE-BYE!"

"Exciting!"

Shifu turned to Tai Lung and said, "We won't get anywhere like this."

"Yes Master," said Tai Lung, "Perhaps a few pressure point hits on his spine will..."

"Don't be ridiculous," scolded Shifu, "His mind is so powerful, he can completely shut it off from the rest of his body. Acupressure won't get us anywhere."

"So we just let the big brute over here kill him?"

"No, we just have to ask the _right questions_," he replied, "Let me show you all." He walked over to Yao and asked, "What pressure points do you strike to stop your opponent's heart in a few seconds?"

"You strike at the base of the neck on each side with two fingers. It is important that you strike just on each side of the Caroted Artery, of the effect won't happen. Hitting the artery directly will just damage the vessel and inhibit blood flow, which is not immediately lethal."

"_But I knew that already!_" snarled Tai Lung.

"AS DID I!" added Temutai.

Shifu then asked, "What pressure points do you strike to stop your opponent's heart three days later?"

"You do the quick heart attack pressure point strikes, _but only to the right side of the victim's neck_. The maneuver must be repeated a total of _three times_."

"I didn't know that," muttered Tai Lung.

"WHY SHOULD I CARE IF SOMEONE WILL DIE IN THREE DAYS?! WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT DO ME?!"

"Because that's a perfect technique for..." said Shifu, "_AN ASSASSIN_."

"I'M NO ASSASSIN!"

"That's beside the point," sighed Shifu, "The point is he knows every secret of Kung Fu if we can _just ask him the right questions_."

"He's absolutely right," agreed Yao.

"FINE!" he snarled as he looked into Yao's eyes, "WHAT ARE THE RIGHT QUESTIONS?!"

"It all depends on what you want to know."

"_I HAVE A QUESTION_," snarled Tigress, "_HOW MANY DAYS WILL IT TAKE FOR TEMUTAI TO RECOVERY AFTER I KICK HIS BUTT ALL OVER THIS PLACE?!_"

Yao glanced at Tigress, and said "Oh, about three days."

They turned to face Master Tigress, the Dragon Warrior, Master Monkey, Master Crane, Master Mantis and Shining Eagle.

"ATTACK THEM, MY WARRIORS!"

His warriors rushed in to attack the group. He stopped, turned and put his face back into the face of Master Yao. Yao looked back and blinked as the massive water buffalo formed a question.

Tigress dropped the first two warriors who got close to her by leaping up and doing a split kick into both of their chests.

Po leaped into the air and did a double 'claw' attack to the warrior's head, shattering his horns just like he saw Shining Eagle do it. The warrior likewise fell down.

Master Monkey leaped onto a warrior's head and boxed his ears, stunning him with pain.

Master Mantis leaped at a warrior and used his shoulder pressure points to render his arms useless.

Master Crane and Shining Eagle flew into the sky and readied to attack the warriors from above.

"HOW DO I DEFEAT AN ENEMY WHO FLIES?!"

"Find a place where you have cover over your head," commented Yao, "Make them come to you on the ground where you are stronger."

Temutai looked around, and noticed the place was shockingly lacking in such cover. He looked at the warriors who weren't engaged in battle yet, and yelled, "GRAB A SHIELD AND COVER YOUR HEADS! STAND CLOSE TOGETHER AND COVER EACH OTHER!"

"Ah, the classic overhead shield wall tactic," said Yao, "Excellent!"

The warriors were now guarded against the fliers, and still had a free hand to attack the enemies they faced on the ground.

"Master?" asked Tai Lung, "May I join the battle?"

"No," he replied, "We must conserve our strength, and strike when our attacks will have the greatest effect on our enemies. There's no point in squandering our power now."

"Yes Master."

"HOW DO I DEFEAT MASTER TIGRESS?!" asked Temutai of Yao.

"Strike at her armpits," he answered, "Those are her vulnerable spots."

He moved in to attack Tigress. Raising his arm to crash down on her, he tricked her into raising her arms in an attempted block. But it was really just a ruse so he could give her a vicious kick to her right armpit. Tigress staggered back, grabbing her armpit as she screamed in agony.

Po leaped in front of Tigress to cover her as he shouted, "THE MIGHTY TEMUTAI, REDUCED TO CHEAP SHOTS AND DIRTY TRICKS?!"

Temutai lunged ahead and grabbed Po's right arm at the wrist with his left arm as he shouted, "JUST TRY AND DO THE THUNDERING WIND HAMMER NOW, DRAGON WARRIOR!"

"Nah," said Po, "I'd rather do this." He used Temutai's arm as leverage as he lifted himself up and used his feet to box Temutai's ears just under his horns. The massive water buffalo yelled in pain as he let go of Po's arm.

"_NOW_ FOR THE THUNDERING WIND HAMMER!" he shouted as he used the legendary attack once more to send Temutai sailing a mile back through stone pillars and thick stone walls.

He raced back to Tigress, who had fallen to her knees by now.

"Are you okay?!" he asked with dire concern.

"I think his kick broke some of my upper ribs," she moaned in agony.

"Let me help," he said as he hit a number of acupressure points around her armpit.

"When did you learn about acupressure?" she asked as the pain was eased.

"I don't know," he answered, "It just seems like my body knows how to do it now."

"You must have learned that _just by watching the others doing it_!"

"You can do that?"

"Not anyone can do that," she replied, "But _A MIMIC_ can!"

"A who-what-now?"

"A mimic is a _very rare individual_ who can learn any Kung Fu Technique just by seeing it done ONCE!"

"Brilliant deduction!" said Yao.

"DAMN HIM TO HELL!" shouted Shifu, "LEAVE MASTER YAO HERE! WE HAVE TO RETREAT OR ALL IS LOST!"

"But Master..." said Tai Lung.

"ARE YOU DEAF?! I SAID _RETREAT_!"

"Yes Master. At once."

The two of them fled as the others fought the water buffalo warriors. Po hoved over Tigress as he tended to her injuries. He made an impromptu sling for her arm from things he found laying on the ground around them.

Master Crane and Shining Eagle came down to the ground to battle the warriors, and their fighting skills were not reduced as much as the warriors liked, even though they were still outnumbering the attacking heroes, especially with Po and Tigress out of the action.

Tigress looked at the jury rigged sling, and said, "You've done all you can for me. I beg you, go help the others fight now."

He rushed off to attack, but even more reinforcements were coming every minute. It was starting to look hopeless. Even Yao had his eyes closed.

"I didn't think it would end like this," said Tigress softly.

Then Yao opened his eyes again, and they were positively glowing with Chi energy. A massive burst of golden Chi energy erupted from Yao, radiating outwards in all directions. ALL the attacking warriors suddenly stiffened, got knocked back several feet away from Yao, and then fell over paralyzed.

"What just happened?!" asked Po as he looked around, wondering how they just won.

"I did the Yao's Eight Arm Yangtze Spleen Punch," said Yao, "WITH MY MIND!"

"That! Is! So! AWESOME!" Then he paused to think, "Hey, if you did that earlier, TIGRESS WOULDN'T BE HURT NOW! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT SOONER?!" He suddenly seemed angry at Yao.

"And miss out on all this fun?" he asked, "Besides, Tigress only has a bruise. Her ribs might be a little sore for a few days, but _I promise none of her ribs are broken_. But YOU had to defeat TEMUTAI again to learn something more about yourself. About the TRUE POWER OF THE DRAGON WARRIOR. If I thought for a second that he might seriously injure Tigress, I WOULD HAVE ACTED TO STOP HIM. _This I swear to you on my own life_."

Po calmed down as he looked at Tigress, and said, "I was still worried sick about her."

"That is the burden of caring," said Yao, "and also your greatest strength. _Don't you ever forget that_."

"I won't," promised Po as Tigress tried to hide her smile, "_This I swear to you on my own life_." He was looking right into Tigress' eyes as he said the latter part.

"We better get Master Yao back into his meditating box and back to the Jade Palace," said Tigress, "He's a busy man with a schedule to keep."

"Actually, I'd rather walk with the rest of you and see the sights. I haven't seen land as beautiful as the Valley of Peace in over sixty years."

"Awesome!" said Po, "We'll just..."

"Oh leave that old thing here," said Yao as he looked at his meditating box, "I have spares. I'm sure they'll find me a brand new one at the capital. Too bad this one wasn't destroyed, eh Po?"

"Oh, I get you," he said, "I've been meaning to seriously try out the MONGOLIAN FIREBALL!" He hit the box with his new attack, making it explode before it all imploded upon itself. "That! Is! So! AWESOME!"

"Grand Master Oogway was right. The Universe DID choose you, Po."

"I miss Oogway so much," sniffed Tigress.

"One day," said Yao, "We can all join him being one with the Universe."

They all started their journey back to the Jade Palace.


	17. Chapter 17

Po, the Harem Master

Part 17: The Good, the Bad and the Po

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

"I can understand how you would like to take a day off from training, Dragon Warrior," said Tigress softly, "so I'll have you do something else useful. You can clean the relic vault. The closet in the corner has all the cleaning supplies you should need."

He was too busy looking around wide eyed at all of the relics the Jade Palace had collected over the centuries. There was swords, axes, maces, shields, helmets, masks, armor, bows, arrows, staffs of various lengths and thicknesses, boots, sandals, slippers, and too many other things for his mind to wrap itself around.

"Wow, for a menial job, this is pretty awesome!" said Po as he danced around, "How much of this stuff is the real deal?" Looking at a tall mirror framed in ancient looking red stained wood leaning against a wall, he said, "Oh, I know that one! It's the Mirror of Yin-Yang!" He rushed over to look at himself in it. "**Can I touch it?!**"

"Yes," replied Tigress, "because that's just a _replica_. The real mirror is locked in that vault over there with the most dangerous relics we keep here." She looked in the direction of the vault that looked like a wooden wardrobe from the outside. Walking over, she opened the wooden doors to reveal the iron vault within. "This lock requires TWO keys that must be turned at the same time to even open it, so don't even think about trying to look in there."

"_Too late_," said Po with a sigh.

"I hope you can get most of the cleaning done by dinner," she said, "because you'll have to finish the rest of this _tomorrow morning_ after breakfast. In the morning. At sunrise."

Po was too busy gawking at the vault to really listen to Tigress at this point. He just said, "awesome."

"_I'm really as lesbian who loves Master Viper_."

"Awesome."

"_I masturbate myself to sleep every night thinking about sticky buns_."

"Awesome."

"**WOULD YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME?!**" she snarled, making Po jump.

"What?!"

"I said, 'I hope you can get most of the cleaning done by dinner, because you'll have to finish the rest of this _tomorrow morning_ after breakfast'. So please do the best job you can."

"Okay."

She walked to the closet, and returned with a feather duster. As she handed it to him, she said, "Dust first, sweep second, wet mop third, and polish the metal next. If you have time, apply a new layer of varnish over the faded wooden items."

"The Dragon Warrior lives to serve!"

She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek as she purred, "Perhaps you could save a little of that service for me?"

"Huh?"

Blushing at her own bold words, she said, "It's nothing!" He watched her retreat from the vault, leaving him behind with the feather duster. He absentmindedly began to dust the inner vault door even though it was in fact dust free.

"You're just dying to know about that _mirror_ and all those _other dangerous toys_, aren't you?" asked a voice from the shadows.

"What?" he asked, "Who's there?"

Mei Ling, the fox, stepped out of the shadows as she said, "I can help you look until your heart's content, Dragon Warrior."

"But you stole the Dragon Chalice!" he said accusingly.

"How can I steal what is already mine?" she asked smoothly.

"Yours?"

"Yes, Shifu promised that to me years ago," she replied evenly, "before I had to take a journey to the Capital. By the time I returned, he forgot all about his promise. _He forgot all about me_."

"But why are you here? Why now?"

"He promised me a few things _in here_. One of them happens to reside in _that very vault_."

"You have the keys?" he asked excitedly.

"No, I'm sure he took the keys with him wherever his disappeared to," she answered, "but let's just say that I have a way with locks."

She pulled a couple of crooked metal wires from her sleeve as she stepped up to the vault door. Then she looked over her shoulder as Po was all but drooling over her.

"_Excuse me_," she said curtly, "_A little personal space please?_"

"Oh sorry," he said as he backed up.

She began picking both locks at the same time. A few minutes passed until both locks clicked at the same time. Opening the vault door, she opened an ivory box, and took a glowing stone from it. She dropped the stone into a small bag that disappeared up her sleeve before she closed the box once again.

"Hey, is that one of those Zhou Deng Soul Gems?"

"Yes," she purred, "I'm only taking one because he _only promised me one_."

"That's so thoughtful of you," he said back, "I'd be tempted to take them all."

"I'm a real princess of a gal, aren't I?"

He nodded.

'_Moron_,' she thought. "Look," she said, "I already know where my stuff is, and I'm sure you'll want to spend plenty of time looking at all these... _priceless treasures_. Just be careful. These doors will simply lock themselves again as soon as you close them, so make sure you put back _everything_ you look at before you do so. You don't want to _upset Tigress_, now do we?"

"Oh no!" exclaimed Po, "I'd never want to do that!" He thought, '_because I like her way too much to upset her like that_.'

'_So he's scared of her, too?_' she though as a small chuckle escaped her mouth.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," she replied, "I... just heard the Cursed Giggling Sword is in here somewhere."

"Cursed Giggling Sword?"

"Oh yes. They say that once you pick up the sword, you can't put it down until you die. Worse than that, it makes you laugh yourself helpless whenever you're faced with a deadly situation."

"Wow, that sounds like a wicked awesome curse!"

"I'm... sure it is." She thought, '_Such a bloody moron!_'

He looked at the cover over an object shaped like the Yin-Yang Mirror. Mei Ling had already slipped back into the shadows by then. Lifting the corner of the of the cover over the mirror, he glanced into it. He opened his mouth in surprise as the reflection was grinning at him darkly. It was so spooky, he turned and fled from the room.

After he left, _another_ Po stepped from the vault. He laughed darkly as he looked in the direction that the other version of himself had just run away in.

'_Just laugh, MORON_!' thought Mei Ling from the shadows, who apparently had not seen the first Po leave, '_I'll just rob you all blind_! _That will show Shifu that he shouldn't have spurned my love_!'

...

Po retreated to the relic vault foyer to begin sweeping and cleaning there. He was far too scared to go back even though he had left the hidden vault door standing wide open. As he glanced into the relic vault entrance hall, he seriously hoped that Mei Ling would be nice enough to close it when she left. When he was done sweeping, he went to the closet to get the mop. The other Po crept out while the first Po was gone. Then Mei Ling followed the other Po out with her bag of goods she had stolen from the relic vault.

While the second Po boldly walked into the Courtyard, Mei Ling climbed over the wall to make good her escape. Tigress was sweeping the grounds when she noticed Po coming towards her.

"Are you done already?" she asked.

"No," he growled, "I changed my mind. _Let's train_. I want to spar with you _right now_."

"I've never seen you want to train so... _aggressively_," she observed.

"**I want to be ready to kick Tai Lung's sorry ass all over the countryside when we fight!**"

She tossed aside the broom as she said, "I admire your dedication, but don't get cocky." Then she shifted into a ready stance as she faced Po.

He also shifted into a ready stance.

"I know Tai Lung's the aggressive type!" he observed, "He'll surely attack me first! I want you to come straight at me!"

She nodded. Lunging at him, she threw a punch at his head. He grabbed her arm at the hand and the elbow, threw her over his shoulder, and slammed her into the ground rather hard. She rolled to her feet as she glared at him. He had never treated her so roughly before.

"Attack me again!" he snarled.

She charged again, but her wind up for a punch was merely a ruse to cover a leg sweep kick at his feet. But he leaped over her kick, and punched her in the side of her head. He hit her ear, making it hurt like hell. She was knocked back, fell and rolled back to her feet. Now she was getting very angry.

"LOSER!" he shouted, "ATTACK ME AGAIN!"

She dropped to all fours and just charged him. Her head slammed into his stomach, as he made no attempt to block or dodge her attack at all. But he had no intention of stopping her attack at all. He let the fat in his stomach take the blow as her grabbed her right arm, twisted it behind her back as far as he could, and used all of his weight to fall onto her back. She screamed in pain as her shoulder was dislocated.

"YOU'RE PATHETIC! TAI LUNG WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU BY NOW!"

She was hopelessly trapped under his bulk as she whimpered.

"PO?!" shouted Master Monkey, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! LET HER GO!"

He looked up at Monkey, Crane, Mantis, Shining Eagle and Scorpion (all of whom heard the noisy fight), and snarled at them, "WHY DON'T YOU SECOND BANANAS MAKE ME!"

"Second banana?!" asked Monkey, "Was that supposed to be a joke?!"

"No!" he snarled, "YOU are the joke, monkey-boy!"

"You're way over the line!" shouted Crane.

"I'M THE DRAGON WARRIOR!" he shouted back, "I DRAW THE LINES!" He twisted her arm hard making the elbow bend the wrong way until that dislocated too, causing her to scream in pain again.

They were all horrified at what Po had done. It was totally against the nature of the Po they had come to know and respect so much.

"HE'S TURNED EVIL!" shouted Monkey, "WE HAVE TO TAKE HIM DOWN!" They moved in to attack him, spreading out to strike from all sides. He closed his eyes as they charged to strike.

"I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO DO THIS, PO!" shouted Shining Eagle.

Then Po opened his eyes again, and they were positively glowing with Chi energy. A massive burst of golden Chi energy erupted from him, radiating outwards in all directions. ALL the attacking heroes suddenly stiffened, got knocked back several feet away from him, and then fell over paralyzed.

"He did the Yao's Eight Arm Yangtze Spleen Punch," said Shining Eagle weakly as she lay on her back, "WITH HIS MIND!"

He stood up as he said, "You're all weak and foolish! Death is the price for being weak!"

A storm of peach blossoms swept in from the hill, and a green ghostly vision of Grand Master Oogway appeared several yards behind Po. "Bad Po!" said the Grand Master, "You need a time out!" A giant pillar of stone erupted under Po, sending him sailing over the wall, over the whole village, and out into the meadow past the village.

"That was the Impossible Fist of the Earth Technique!" shouted Po as he vanished into the distance.

He stepped up to the weeping Tigress and touched both her shoulder and elbow. They both snapped back into place without effort, and without pain.

"Look for the good in Po," he whispered into her ear, "He cannot be whole when he's not in balance."

"_Oogway_," she sobbed, "_I miss you so much_..."

He then stood and walked around to each person in the Courtyard, touching each on the neck at the base of the left shoulder, and released them from their paralysis. Then his ghost vanished in the same cloud of peach petals.

Then someone rolled her onto her back. She was staring into the face of... Po?!

"Are you alright?" he asked as he used the pressure points of her chest, shoulder and arm to ease her considerable pain. She headbutted him head to head, grabbed his shoulders, and rolled on top of him as she screamed in his face.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" she howled in fury.

But to her surprise, he covered his face and neck with his arms and whimpered like a total coward as he said, "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

"I just saw Po get knocked MILES away by the ghost of Oogway!" shouted Monkey, "How the hell did he get back here so fast?!"

"Look for the good in Po?" she asked aloud, "Be whole? Be in balance? **OH NO!**"

"What's wrong?" asked Monkey.

"PO MUST HAVE LOOKED INTO THE YIN-YANG MIRROR!"

"How the hell did he get to that?"

"Mei Ling helped me see it," he replied simply.

"MEI LING?!" screamed Tigress, "SHE WAS IN THE RELIC VAULT?!"

"Oh yeah, she just stopped by to take back a few things that Master Shifu had promised to her."

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"By the way, it felt like she was just a little upset about something."

"Who knows how many things she's stolen!" cried Master Crane.

"She's probably long gone and hiding down in the village by now," observed Master Mantis.

"Tigress!" he cried as he glomp-hugged her to his chest, "I just want you to know I love you!"

"Ow ow ow," whimpered Tigress, "The arm is still tender."

"So sorry!" he cried as he released her.

"What about me?" asked Scorpion as she scrabbled over.

"I love you too!"

"And Master Viper?"

"I love her too!"

"And Fenghuang?"

"I love her too!"

Shining Eagle asked, "And me?"

"I love you too!"

"And Master Crane?"

"I love him too!"

"And Master Monkey?"

"I love him too!"

"And Master Mantis?"

"I love him too!"

"And Master Shifu?"

"I love him too!"

"And Tai..."

"ENOUGH!" snarled Tigress as she looked at the awkward looks on all of the men present, "WE GET IT ALREADY!" She was left huffing and puffing. Then she took a minute to compose herself. "Master Crane, Shining Eagle! It's your job to find the evil Po and lure him back to the Jade Palace! Tell him you'd rather die then let him get his hand on the _Dragon Scroll_! The rest of us need to bring the Yin-Yang Mirror and the good Po back to the Hall to make sure the bad Po looks into it again!"

"Right!" shouted Crane as he and Shining Eagle flew off in the direction bad Po was last seen flying.

She then realized that good Po was hugging her from behind as he whimpered, "Protect me, my love." Walking towards the hall and sighing, she more or less dragged Po behind her.

"You know I hate whimpering and whining, right?" she asked.

"I'm so sorry," he whimpered.

"Still whimpering," she said.

"I'm so sorry," he whimpered.

She just sighed.

...

They waited hiding with the Hall doors wide open. Soon, Crane and Shining Eagle would lead the evil Po back there, because she knew full well he couldn't resist the lure of the _Dragon Scroll_. Good Po was still clinging to her back as she hid behind the jade green pillar out of sight of the open door. He finally stopped his almost constant whimpering and apologizing to her. She was so focused on the open door that she almost didn't notice the way he was rubbing her chest and stomach, and she really did notice when he started nibbling and kissing her ear.

"Stop that," she growled in a low voice.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you," he said softly into her ear.

"No it wasn't you, it was you! I mean the other you! I mean... oh, never mind!"

He loosened the ties on her jacket and began to rub her shoulder and stomach more directly as he resumed nibbling her ear. Her cheeks blushed as she started to enjoy herself, but she snapped her mind back into focus as she said, "Knock it off! We don't have time for this!" She blushed even worse when she realized that Scorpion and Master Monkey were all staring at their little show from behind their own columns. Her eyes really snapped wide open when he started taking her jacket off, so she grabbed the edges and pulled it shut tight.

She was ever so grateful when he head Mantis calling from behind the open door, "Their almost here! Any second now!"

Master Crane and Shining Eagle flew in the open door, and seconds later, the bad Po ran in after them. He seemed to have A LOT more stamina that the normal Po ever did. After climbing all those stairs, he was usually about dead on his feat, but bad Po RAN all the way up the stairs without getting winded.

"Give me that Dragon Scroll and you'll get a merciful death!" he yelled.

But Crane and Shining Eagle landed, turned and faced bad Po as Tigress, Monkey, Scorpion, Mantis all leaped out to surround him. Good Po just looked from around the corner.

"Give it up, EVIL PO!" she shouted, "We don't want to hurt you!"

He looked at her open jacket and smirked, "Hey tiger babe, you gonna strip for me? You know you totally want to!"

She blushed horribly when she heard that. Then she looked back at the other Po and said, "Throw me the Yin-Yang Mirror!" Monkey grabbed bad Po from behind as Mantis leaped to his head and pulled up on his eyelids. Tigress grabbed the Mirror after it was thrown and started to turn it towards bad Po, be he was already doing a backflip kick which shattered the Yin-Yang Mirror. He stunned Monkey when he landed on his back, and shook Mantis off his head as well. Then he rolled back up to his feet.

"FOOLS!" he shouted, "You can never merge me back with my wimpy goody-goody side now! I just do what I have to!"

"And so do I," said good Po from behind him. Bad Po turned expecting an attack, but came face to face with... the Yin-Yang Mirror?!

"How?!" yelled bad Po as the Mirror started to suck him back in.

"You broke the _copy_," smirked Tigress.

There was a bright flash of light, and when they could see again, there was only ONE Po holding on to the Yin-Yang Mirror.

"Po?" asked Tigress, "Are you... whole?"

He put the cover back over the front of the mirror, walked over with a smile, and retied the ties on the jacket of Tigress. Then he hugged her, and said softly, "I'm balanced again. _And I do really love you_." She hugged him back and closed her eyes tight as her blush returned.


	18. Chapter 18

Po, the Harem Master

Part 18: The Perils of Tigress

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po secretly watched Master Tigress meditating under the Peach Tree as she searched for solutions concerning Master Shifu and Tai Lung. She was sitting a scant 10 feet from the base of the tree in the traditional Lotus Sitting Position. He had never seen her at such rest with her hands held together in her lap, and certainly never seen her using the Peach Tree. But since she was the acting master of the Jade Palace, it was now her right to do so. He sighed, as while peaceful and meditating, he had never seen her in such a beautiful state. But he knew he couldn't let her know he was there, because he knew that his presence would upset her peace of mind, and he just couldn't do that to her.

"Darn you," she muttered almost too softly for Po to hear, "why can't I stop thinking about **him**?"

She seemed frustrated as she stood up and shook her head. He couldn't wait to see what she was going to do next. If she was leaving, he had to get back to the Jade Palace well ahead of her. He was moving more slowly because he was being sneaky. So as she looked up into the limb and leaves of the Peach Tree, he slipped away back to the Palace grounds.

"Where have you been?" asked Monkey as he slipped past a tree in the Courtyard.

"I've been taking a walk to clear my mind," he blurted out.

"Clear you mind?" he asked, "Is that really much of a trip for you?"

"Ha ha," said Po sarcastically, "Very funny. Is there a _reason_ you're bothering me?"

"Well, I was really going to bother Tigress..."

"She's meditating!"

"I know that! I'm not blind!"

"What's so important that you can't let Tigress meditate?"

"_Yes_," asked Tigress, "_What's so important_?"

They turned to see Tigress standing there.

"Tigress!" said Monkey, "We just got a message from the Sacred Onyx Council that Master Junjie and Master Chao are coming here tomorrow!"

"Why now?"

"The message didn't say!"

"This can't mean anything good," grumbled Tigress.

"Why not?" asked Po with concern.

"Because it's their job to ferret out any weak, foolish or inefficient masters of their Kung Fu Temples and replace them!"

"No way!"

"Way!" She face-palmed herself because she couldn't believe she just said that.

"They can't just replace a Temple Master on a whim," interrupted Monkey, "They have to prove that the ruler of a Temple is not fit, and that requires a test. As long as you pass the test, they cannot take away the Temple."

"I'm sure Tigress can pass any test they have," said Po with a smile.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," she replied.

"So how did the meditating go?"

"I learned _nothing_."

"I'm sure you'll learn everything you need to know when you have to."

"I wish I had that much time," she sighed as she looked at Po, "but let's get back to your training." She took Po's hand and led him off towards the Training Hall, leaving Monkey to look on with one eyebrow lifted in curiosity.

...

Tigress was exhausted after spending the rest of the day driving Po hard to become better. She was sure Po was tired too. It all seemed about the Dragon Warrior to her now. She just slipped into her dark room and flopped on her back onto her cot. Much to her dismay, figures emerged from the shadows all around her. Feline forms. One grabbed her right arm, one grabbed her left, one grabbed her right leg, one her left, and one shoved a thick leather bag over her head. They all gripped her tightly. She could hardly move. Someone was holding her mouth closed so she couldn't call out for help. Then someone did a rapid set of nerve strikes at her abdomen, and she felt paralysis spreading from there all over her body.

The bag was tied down tightly over her eyes and mouth. A lot of rope was used to bind her from shoulders to ankles. Her arms were twisted painfully behind her back. Then she was lifted up and spirited out the window.

...

Po awoke to a panicked Monkey.

"TIGRESS IS MISSING!" he yelled in his face.

"Did you try the Peach Tree?" he asked half-asleep.

"OF COURSE WE DID! SHE WASN'T THERE! SHE'S NOT ANYWHERE AT THE JADE PALACE!"

"Calm down," he muttered, "There must be a reasonable explanation."

"SHE WAS KIDNAPPED BY DEMONS!"

"No, that's not it."

"SHE WAS ABDUCTED BY SPIRITS!"

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"NO, IT'S NOT!"

"_WILL YOU STOP SCREAMING ALREADY?!_"

"YES!" shouted Monkey, who then cleared his breath with a cough, and said, "Okay, sure. But what are we going to do about Junjie and Chao? Viper is still to injured to be the acting Master of the Jade Palace, and they sure as hell wouldn't accept Fenghuang as the Master here. Don't even get me started about Quiong Qi."

"We still have you, Master Crane, Master Mantis, and Shining Eagle."

"The recognized chain of command was Grand Master Oogway, Master Shifu, and then Master Tigress. None of the rest of us have the recognition necessary but one. It really pains me to say this, but that one is the Dragon Warrior." He paused before he add, "That's you, Po."

"ME?!"

"Quick on the uptake, aren't you?"

"That's not important right now!" shouted Po, "I have to LOOK like the acting Master of the Jade Palace before Junjie and Chao get here!"

"Good thinking, Po. I think I can stall them at the gates until you're ready. They could be hear ANY MINUTE NOW!"

"Yelling again, Monkey."

"Sorry."

...

Junjie and Chao waited patiently as Monkey rushed out to meet them. They bowed to him, and he deeply bowed back.

"This is highly irregular," said Chao, "Where is acting Master Tigress?"

"I'm so sorry for the inconvenience," said Monkey, "But Masters Tigress and Viper are sick right now. Viper had her tail crushed under a boulder, and Tigress... is elsewhere... She's suffering from... uh... RIVER FEVER! Yeah, that's it."

"_Then who is running the Jade Palace_?" asked Junjie with a scowl.

"The Dragon Warrior, of course," said Monkey quickly, "He apologizes for not being here, but he really is very busy with the matter of the rogue masters, Shifu and Tai Lung."

"_**How dare he make us wait!**_"

"Calm yourself," said Chao, "I'm sure he'll explain all when he gets here."

Po rushed up in a long white silk jacket, silk pants, and a black silk sash. Monkey had no idea where it came from until he realized it was a formal _waiter's uniform_. He bowed deeply as he said, "A thousand apologies for the delays, Masters. I'm so glad to see you. Is this a formal visit?"

"Of course it is," growled Junjie, "The most disturbing rumors about the Jade Palace are being proved to be true!"

"Let us not jump to conclusions, Master Junjie," said Chao, "All we have to do is test the worthiness of the Dragon Warrior to make sure the Jade Palace is in capable hands."

"No big deal," agreed Po.

"Very well," suggested Junjie, "We should began the tests by NOON at the latest."

"I agree," added Chao.

"No problem," said Po as he thought, '_HUGE PROBLEM!_'

...

Tigress was boiling over with rage, indignation and righteous fury. She was rudely stuffed into a _potato sack_ of all things and tossed over the Palace wall like... like... **a sack of potatoes!** It didn't matter that someone caught her on the other side, _because that was besides the point_. There just was not that many ways less dignified for one to be kidnapped.

Once away from the Palace, her kidnappers became more chatty.

"Remember, we hide her in the cave until the Master gives us the signal to release her. By that time, the Jade Palace will be under our control, and she won't have any place left there anyways." Tigress couldn't tell if it was a man or woman that spoke, or what their species might be.

"Maybe we should have a little fun with our prisoner," suggested another voice.

"_Don't be so crude! We can't dishonor a Kung Fu Master like that!_"

"_Oh right_," said the second voice dripping with sarcasm, "_stuffing her in a potato sack is just so much more dignified_."

"She's out prisoner. A prisoner of our Master's war. Nothing more, nothing less. Rape and torture have no place in the treatment of a prisoner. I swear if even one of you tries to molest Tigress, I will..."

"_Oh shut the hell up, we know the drill_," which was said like that threat was heard a hundred time before then, "You're no fun at all. I promise she'll be kept **pure**." The last word was almost said in a flood of sarcasm.

The sack was opened as three pairs of hands pulled her out. She was laid out on a cot somewhere. They pulled the sack off her head, but quickly bound her muzzle and gagged her even faster. She was in a dark cave save for a little candle light. Tigress could now see her captors were Clouded Leopards.

One leaned over her and said, "I'm really sorry about this, but orders are orders." It was clear that this was the one who had been defending her honor all along. "This must be really undignified for one such as you, but I'm sure it won't last... that long. With no one competent or recognized enough to run the Jade Palace, I'm sure it will quickly be _under new management_."

Then the captor undid the pressure points in her abdomen, and the paralysis abated.

"_What are you doing_?" asked the one next to them.

"Relieving the paralysis," they answered, "You know damn well we can't leave her under such a state for too long, or the complications to her kidneys, lungs and heart could _kill_ her. You know we were specifically told not to kill her. Don't worry, we know she's no _master escape artist_. As long as one of watches her, _she won't get away_."

"_Well I'm going to blindfold her just to be sure!_" said another as her eyes were wrapped tight under a long strip of cloth.

'_Po!_' she thought, '_Please come and save me!_'

...

Po and the others gathered in the Courtyard to see the Masters Chao and Junjie give him the test. Even Scorpion, Viper and Fenghuang were attending, two of which drew very suspicious looked from Chao and Junjie.

"What are two of the foulest creature known to Kung Fu doing here?!" scowled Junjie.

"They were both _pardoned_ by Grand Master Oogway before he joined the Universe," replied Po, "_Are you going to question HIS judgment_?"

"Of course not," said Chao, "Let it go, Junjie."

Scorpion and Fenghuang both smiled at Po, defender of their honor. Junjie just looked with a narrow-eyed scowl back at Po. In a way, it looked almost identical to the same scowl from Master Shifu, but with Junjie wearing spectacles perched at the end of his snout.

"What is the best way to greet a visiting Master?" asked Chao.

"You bow deeply, address them by their full titles and name, and ask a rhetorical question about their health, family or their past accomplishments," answered Po.

"Very good."

So the verbal etiquette test dragged on for at least an hour with Master Chao asking all of the questions. Po seemed to get about half of the questions correct, which was better than almost anyone else thought he would. Junjie paced back and forth with impatience, which was behind Chao's back.

When Chao was done, he scratched his chin and said, "Barely passable. You'll have to do better on the other tests if you want to remain in charge here."

Po nodded.

"Now for the traditional Kung Fu stances."

Monkey knew that it took ALL FIVE of them to do those right, especially the five member stack, and Po hadn't even done any stance training with them. So he bowed and said respectfully. "Sorry, but with Viper injured and Tigress sick out of town, we can't do those."

"Then we have no choice but to fail you all," said Junjie darkly.

"I fear I have to agree," said Chao.

"We can make up for that?" asked Po, "Right?"

"You would need a flawless performance on the rest of the tests to do that."

"The next test is the Master of the Jade Palace must fight a ceremonial battle with one of us," said Junjie, "I am volunteering to be your sparring partner. Master Chao will officiate. We must perform this battle in the Hall of Warriors once it has been closed, because NO ONE can be present for this battle besides the three of us."

Po nodded. They withdrew to the Hall, were the doors were closed and barred once they were inside. Junjie offered Po his hand as he said, "Let this be a clean and honorable fight."

Po nodded, and then shook Junjie's hand. What only Junjie saw was the fact he tapped Po's wrist pressure point just hard enough to throw off his coordination and balance slightly for several minutes. Then the two separated, and bowed deeply to each other. Chao stood between with his hand up, waiting to signal the start of the match.

"This is only a test," said Chao, "The goal is not to hurt each other, or even outright win, but to display one's Kung Fu Skills and Techniques in action. Either of you can surrender without any disgrace at any time. I will decide when one of you has won."

They both nodded.

"BEGIN!" he said as he backed out of the middle.

Junjie rushed into a sweeping leg kick that knocked Po's feet out, and left him face first on the floor while the much smaller Master leaped backwards while driving his elbow into the back of Po's head.

"Point to Junjie," said Chao.

"I'm sorry," said Po, "I can't understand why I feel so off right now."

"We aren't interested in your excuses, Panda!" scowled Junjie, "Now get up and continue!"

Po stood up as they faced each other again. He stepped into Junjie with a furious flurry of punches, but all of them missed their mark by a fairly wide margin. Junjie simply knocked the Panda on his back with another sweeping leg kick.

"This is pathetic!" scowled Junjie.

"I agree that the Dragon Warrior's performance so far has been..." said Chao softly, "substandard. Point to Junjie."

Po was unsteady as he stood up yet again. This time, Junjie leaped into Po face as he unloaded a flurry of bone breaking kicks right into Po's chest. He staggered backwards and fell over.

"Point to Junjie."

"**Stay down if you know what's good for you!**" growled Junjie.

Po got back up.

"That's it!" snarled Junjie, "It's all over for you! GOLDEN LOTUS CLAP!"

Chao looked away as Junjie clapped his hands, sending a wave of golden energy right at Po. He was slammed backwards into the wall with incredible force. As he slumped to the ground, he also realized that he was now blind. That realization came just before he passed out.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" asked Chao, "HOW DARE YOU USE SUCH A POWERFUL MOVE ON A TESTEE!"

Junjie bowed to Chao as he said, "A thousand apologies, Master Chao. I... don't know what came over me... what there is about the Dragon Warrior that makes me... so upset. I can't stand the thought of this inept buffoon running the Jade Palace one minute longer..."

"While your methods are excessive, I can't argue with your conclusions. We have no choice but to leave you in charge of the Jade Palace until such a time as we can find a proper Master for this place. Now open the doors so his... associates can get him over to the infirmary."

"Very well," said Junjie as he bowed, "I shall run this place properly until that time comes."


	19. Chapter 19

Po, the Harem Master

Part 19: Po in the Dark

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Junjie smirked as he looked around Master Shifu's quarters. HIS quarters, now that he was in charge of the Jade Palace. He could barely contain his glee. But his peace was disturbed by the appearance of one of his minions in the shadow of the doorway.

"What are you doing here?" he snarled.

"We've been without orders for a while, Master."

"Are you sure no one saw you?"

"Positive, Master."

"Very well, I am now the acting Master of the Jade Palace, _just as I planned it_."

"Most excellent, Master." The shadowy figure bowed to him.

He laughed and said, "As if there was ever a doubt."

"Now that you've taken over, what should we do with our prisoner?"

"_DISPOSE OF HER_," he snarled, "_She no longer has any value to us!_"

The shadowy figure paused before replying, "It shall be done."

"By the time you return from disposing of Tigress, _you should be able to walk right in through the front gates of the Jade Palace_."

The figure disappeared without further comment.

...

Po awoke in the dark to the sound of Monkey's voice.

"Po?" he asked, "You there, good buddy? I know you got beaten kind of badly, but your injuries didn't look that bad. Get up buddy."

He opened his eyes, but it was still dark. It was then that he remembered he had been blinded by the Golden Lotus Clap from Junjie. From what he knew about that devastating attack, only some one as skilled as Master Shifu had any chance to fix it. So he sat up and turned his head in the direction of Monkey's voice as he said, "Good morning. How long was I out?"

"It's a few hours after sunrise now," he replied, "and Master Junjie has called us all to the Courtyard to make some kind of big '_I've taken over and here's what I'm going to change_' sort of speech. He's been kind of cranky, so we better not make him wait any longer than we have to."

Po heard Monkey leaving. He got out of bed, and navigated his way out of his room because he knew the layout well enough to make his way through blind. With some difficulty and a little bumping into things, he navigated the hallways and doorways out to the Courtyard.

"Panda!" snarled Junjie, "Hurry up! I don't like it when I'm being made to wait!"

Judging by the sounds, everyone was outside, including Viper and Fenghuang, and no doubt Scorpion, the one most attending to their needs. He made his way close enough to the group to satisfy Junjie, but not bump into or step on anyone else. But he could not hear the breathing or sweet voice of Tigress anywhere among them.

"I have something simple and straight forward to say to you all: GET THE HELL OUT!"

They all stood shocked as they could not believe what they just heard.

"Are you ALL DEAF?! I said GET THE HELL OUT!"

"_What is the meaning of this... this... THIS OUTRAGE_?!" hissed Viper.

"HOW ARE YOU SPEAK TO **ME** LIKE THAT!" he snarled back, "I WOULD **DESTROY** YOU WHERE YOU STAND IF I WASN'T IN SUCH A _GOOD MOOD_! BUT I SHALL OVERLOOK YOUR DISRESPECTFUL WORDS **JUST THIS ONCE!**"

Viper was shocked speechless.

"What about our personal stuff?" asked Po.

"It will all be thrown out onto the steps outside the gate by tomorrow morning. You can claim your... junk then. _Now begone before I get angry_."

"I'm so glad you've been the picture of calm up until now," muttered Po under his breath.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"I said I'll be sure to paint an ink picture for you."

"Whatever," he snarled, "Just leave."

...

Tigress was quickly losing track of how many hours she was bound tightly and watched over by her Clouded Leopard captors. It seemed like one of them had vanished a couple of hours earlier. That was confirmed when she heard them return.

"What did the Master have to say?" asked one.

"How long must we stay in this dark dank cave?" asked another.

Her blood ran cold as the returnee replied, "The Master ordered me to dispose of Tigress. He said we should be able to walk right in the front gates of the Jade Palace by then. The rest of you go on ahead. I shall dispose of the prisoner myself."

"I wanted to play with her first," said the first speaker, "_She's so buff and attractive_. I'll make her moan in delight and then scream in pain."

"Oh yes," said the second, "I'd love to see what she looks like _once we've cut off all her clothes_."

"I told you before that I will not allow you to dishonor a prisoner like that, and _I meant it_. That is why I shall dispose of her by myself, _because I shall do the deed honorably_."

"Spoil sport," catcalled one. "Buzz kill," ridiculed another.

"Now begone. I'm sure she can hear my words, so I'm giving her some time to say her last prayers before I do the deed. This should only take a couple of hours to do correctly."

She heard the others file out until only the one was left. Even though it was the one who had defended her honor earlier, Tigress knew the kidnapper was just another goon that did as they were told. She could feel the kidnapper's breath on her neck. All she could do was steady herself for the end to come.

And she waited. And waited. And waited. But nothing happened to her other than the sound of soft breathing. Then she heard the sound of a knife as it cut... her ropes?!

"The others should be well out of hearing range by now," said the mysterious voice, "When the Master said to dispose of you, I'm sure he meant for me to kill you, but _I'm following his orders to the letter_. I'm going to 'dispose' of you by moving you to the back of the cave, and putting a canvas over you. The ropes have been sufficiently weakened that you should be loose in about 2 hours time. I suggest that you flee this area and never return, _because my Master may well kill us both if he ever sees you_."

Tigress realized the risks her savior was taking on her behalf, and she respected them for it. Of course, she had no intentions of never returning. She would hide out in another cave she knew well for a couple of days, and then sneak back into town once things had settled down.

"I'm so ashamed of the disgraceful behavior of my Master and my fellow students. This was not what I imagined learning under him would be like at all. His bitterness over not getting the Jade Palace before has turned him into a monster that I can no longer be a party to. When things have settled down in a week or so, I shall take the opportunity to _slay them all_, and then _do the honorable thing by taking my own life as well_."

Tigress was shocked by what she heard. Moaning into the gag, she desperately tried to tell them that the course of action was not honorable and not necessary, but none of her pleas were understood. She was then lifted from the cot, moved to another place, and felt herself being covered by what she could only assume was a canvas.

"Goodbye, sweet Tigress. I only wish we could have met under... better circumstances." Then the figure disappeared from her hearing and smell.

...

Two days passed as Po managed to hide his blindness. His father and the others just assumed he was being a little clumsier than the norm. He had to leave his own room by his own choice because Master Viper, Fenghuang, and Scorpion all had _no where else to live_. They were all his responsibility. He simply laid on a mat in the kitchen after the Noodle Shop closed for the night. Even if there was a place for him in his own room, he could never disgrace a lady by wantonly sleeping in the same room with her.

All that time, he was worried sick about the missing Tigress. No one dared to go to the Jade Palace to see what was going on up there. He prayed to all of the gods for her safe return.

But in the middle of each night, Viper came to him and curled up on his stomach. She couldn't tell what was bothering him so much, and she had nightmares about Po being killed again, but this time at the hands of Junjie. When he awoke on the third morning, he felt Fenghuang sleeping beside him, and Scorpion sleeping on his right shoulder. Then he sat bolt upright as he heard a familiar voice asking, "Po? What are you doing?!"

Viper slid off his stomach between his legs as he replied, "Tigress, is that you?"

"Can't you see me in that dark?" she asked. Viper began to wake up as did Scorpion, who fell over his shoulder and onto the floor behind him.

"I can't see in the dark, you know."

"I know," she replied, "and apparently you can't see in the light either. The sun rose almost an hour ago. _Just how long have you been blind?_"

He could hear Viper and Scorpion gasp. Tigress had tricked him. If he felt the light of the sun on his body, he would have lied or made up some excuse, but now she knew the truth he was trying so hard to hide from the others. He stood and rushed to her voice anyways. Grabbing what he was sure had to be Tigress, he hugged her tightly and rained kisses on her cheeks and neck.

"_Stop that_," she chided him somewhat playfully, "_People will start getting ideas about us_."

"I want them to," he confessed, "I want them to know I love you. I want them to know... _that I want to marry you more than anyone else_!"

Tigress was struck speechless.

"_Please please tell me you'll marry me_," he begged.

She stammered completely incoherently.

"_Please please tell me you that you love me too._"

Tigress burst into tears as she choked out, "Yes... I'll marry you. Yes... _I love you!_" She cried and cried a flood of joyful tears down his broad shoulders and chest.

Fenghuang awoke, she looked at the couple with narrowed eyes, and thought '_Don't you dare think I've given up on Po yet. He'll still be __**mine**_.'

"Po," said Mister Ping not quite awake as he entered the kitchen, "what the hell did you do to make a lady cry like that?"

"Proposed marriage," he replied.

"Oh, that would do it," muttered his father.

"Wait," choked Tigress, "I was kidnapped from my own bedroom by Clouded Leopards. Who's in charge of the Jade Palace now?"

"Master Junjie," replied Po.

"They never said their Master's name," she sobbed, "but I know whoever is in charge of the Jade Palace was the one who ordered my kidnapping. He was the one who ordered me to be disposed of."

"_Disposed of_?!" snarled Po, suddenly angered.

"Yes," she cried, "But one of them was too honorable to kill me. They loosened my bonds so I could escape in a few hours, and hid me under a canvas in the back of the cave they had hid me in. Now they'll kill Master Junjie and the rest of his students by the end of the week, and then _kill themselves as well_."

"Then we have to take care of that ratfink Junjie ourselves, and TODAY!"

"How can you fight him when you're blind? That's suicide. _None of us are strong enough to take on a Master like him_."

"I would be if..." began Fenghuang.

"No!" snapped Tigress as she climbed out of her funk, "Not even you!"

"There's no other way," said Po with determination, "I know that none of you can perform the Golden Lotus Clap, so none of you could know how to fix the damage it creates. _But the matter is, I'm the Dragon Warrior, and I have to face Junjie_."

"There's no way for me to change you mind?"

"No," he replied firmly, "There isn't." He paused before continuing, "Viper, Scorpion, Fenghuang: _I'm begging you to STAY HERE. I couldn't live with myself if any of you got hurt, or hurt worse, because of me_."

"No," they replied firmly as one.

"I'm a big girl and a _member of the Furious Five_," said Master Viper, "and I can determine how _I'll live, and how I'll die_. **If I'm going to die, then it's going to be with you, Po!**"

"**Damn straight, sister!**" agreed Fenghuang, "**And that goes ****double**** for me!**"

"You aren't getting away from me _that easily_!" added Scorpion.

"All right," sniffed Po, "If you all feel so strongly about this, then I can't say no."

"_If you die without giving me the best wedding ever,_" swore Tigress,"_I swear I'll never speak to you again in this life or the next!_"

"With motivation like that, how can I fail?"

Tigress shut him up with a heartfelt kiss on his lips.

...

Junjie hadn't even started to throw out everyone's stuff when he heard the gate burst open, and the Panda yelling, "WHERE ARE YOU, JUNJIE YOU BASTARD?!"

He called his leopard minions and went to the gate to see everyone gathered there, but he seemed most angry to see Tigress there with them. The leopards were also shocked to see her, but only one drew a knife and lunged at Junjie's back. His response was so swift and so viscous, they couldn't even tell how their arm was arm was broken in both the upper and lower parts, how their jacket and pants were both torn wide open, or why there was bloody gashes on their chest, but one thing did become painfully clear to all: _The attacker was a girl_. Tigress also knew she was the one who had been defending her honor the whole time she was kidnapped, and the one who made sure Tigress got out of that cave alive. She was left bouncing across the ground towards Po and the others. Po somehow managed to catch her out of the air as soon as she touched his stomach.

"FOR A MASTER, YOU'RE A DISHONORABLE PIECE OF!.."

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK SO DISRESPECTFULLY OF ME, YOU WORTHLESS CUR!" yelled Junjie back, "I'LL DESTROY YOU ALL!"

"Is that so?" asked an oddly familiar voice. All but Po turned to see that Master Chao was standing right behind them. "It's lucky I decided to come back and see how Junjie was doing. His over the top anger had me greatly worried."

Junjie fired off a Golden Lotus Clap of massive scale without even warning his own students first. The wave knocked everyone else over and blinded them, except Po, who somehow managed to resist the wave and remain upright. But he did spin around and managed to put down the injured leopard in the process before turning back to face Junjie.

"Thanks for fixing my eyes!" shouted Po as he suddenly fired back a massive Mongolian Fireball. It happened so fast, even Junjie was shocked. The blast of energy exploded around him before it imploded back onto him. He barely survived because he used EVERY LITTLE BIT OF CHI he had to defend himself, but all of his clothing and personal effects (like his glasses) just vaporized. His fur and tail were also badly burnt.

"Now that I can see and do the Golden Lotus Clap," he said triumphantly, "I'll fix all your blindness and injuries!" He glared at Junjie and added, "_I should kill you for what you did to my love_!"

"_No, my love_!" begged Tigress, "_Don't become like him! SHOW MERCY! Let him live to face the rest of his life in PRISON_!"

He looked softly back to where Tigress fell and said, "Alright, my love, but only because you want it." He walked over to Tigress, helped her up, and fixed her eyes first. Leaning close, he kissed her neck.

"That can wait," she said breathlessly, "_Please_ help the others."

When Chao was cured, he hogtied what was left of Junjie and started doing the same to his students. When he stepped towards the fallen leopard, Po intervened and begged, "Please don't take her. Let us heal her, I beg you."

"Take who?" asked Chao, "I have captured Junjie and all _four_ of his flunkies. What ever are you talking about?"

"Nothing, Master," he replied, "Forgive my miscounting."

"Of course you are forgiven, but study math a little harder, won't you?"

"Absolutely, your awesomeness!"

"It's Master Chao, not 'your awesomeness'. Be sure to study all of the Masters proper names as well."

Po nodded. "I'd love to see you off," he replied, "but I have an injured student to look after."

"As the _acting Master of the Jade Palace_, I'm sure your duties never end, right?"

Po nodded as Tigress smiled.


	20. Chapter 20

Po, the Harem Master

Part 20: Po, Master of the Jade Palace

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

After suffering such a vicious attack at the hands of Junjie, the mysterious defender of Tigress' honor remained unconscious for more than a day even though they tried every medicine that could think of. Everyone checked on her from time to time, Scorpion and Po most of all. When her eyes fluttered opened, Po, Tigress, Scorpion and Master Crane were all present.

"Please," asked Tigress, "What is the name of the one who risked so much to protect me?"

She looked into Tigress' eyes, and said weakly, "Mei Ling."

"MEI LING?!" asked Crane in dismay, "CAN THIS BE YOU?!"

"Just how many Mei Lings are there?" muttered Scorpion.

"You know her?" asked Tigress.

"Before I was a Kung Fu Master," he began slowly, "I was a janitor at the Lee Da Kung Fu Academy. My dream was to learn Kung Fu, but I lacked the courage and confidence to apply. But one person believed in me. She saw my potential from the way I did my janitor chores: _Mei Ling_. I only even tried because she believed in me, but when the others mocked my light weight and skinny legs, I gave up again. They gave me a broom and had me sweep up the teeth of all those who failed the entrance exam before me. But I accidentally entered the test area, and I found that my work and personal secret training let me evade and block the wooden warriors' attacks! I was shocked and amazed, but when I saw Mei Ling's confident smile, I KNEW I COULD GET THE FLAG AND PASS THE TEST! Because of _her_, I'm the Kung Fu Master you see today."

Mei Ling smiled her confident smile at Crane as she said, "I always believed in you. I always knew you could make it if _you just believed in yourself_."

"How did you wind up with Junjie?" asked Tigress, "How did you not even recognize Mei Ling before?"

"She really changed her clothes since the Academy," offered Crane.

"I graduated from the Academy with the highest grades," Mei Ling answered, "But I still felt I could go even higher. The teachers at the Academy were great, but I knew there was much better available. With the right tutor, I would be well on my way to being a Master in my own right. I wanted to travel the world learning Kung Fu, settled down one day, and open my very own Academy of Kung Fu. A place where people like Master Crane would be encouraged to be everything they could be."

"How noble," sighed Tigress.

"My heart was just about going to burst from my chest when I heard that _Master Junjie of the Sacred Onyx Council_ was looking for apprentices. It was the happiest day in my whole life when he accepted me as his student. For some reason, the fact that the other four students were also Clouded Leopards didn't seem to be important at all."

They all nodded.

"But my dream quickly turned into a nightmare," she continued, "I found out I wasn't his apprentice as much as I was his lackey. The other four were more than happy to do any dirty task he set to them. Because I was honorable, Junjie held me back from the _really_ dirty tasks. Rumors of what they did in his name still fill my nightmares. _If I didn't insist I was part of your kidnapping, I know they would have raped you and done all measure of horrible things to you, Master Tigress_. Junjie did not care **one whit** what they did as long as _they never questioned his orders or failed to carry out one of his tasks_."

The others looked horrified as her tale unfolded.

"What they said to your face was _nothing_ compared to what they said out of your hearing range," she said, "and that's when I decided _I couldn't live like this any more_. My heart is sick, and my soul is slowly withering away. When Master Junjie ordered me to dispose of Tigress, _I knew I had to save her at all costs_. **She had to be their LAST VICTIM. ** The only _honorable_ path open to me was to slay them all, and then take my own life for my crimes and my sins."

Po took her good hand in his own hands and said, "NO! There's always another way to set things right! You're free from Junjie now! It's your life to live as you chose to!"

"You don't understand, Po," said Tigress softly, "When you're all alone in the darkness, then all you ever expect to see is the darkness. At the orphanage, I was alone and scared in my own dark room, so I never saw anything but fear, loneliness, and more darkness. I don't know what sort of miscreant I might have become if Master Shifu hadn't taken me under his arm."

"No," said Po, "I believe with all my heart that even if you never saw Shifu or learned one little thing about Kung Fu, you still would have grown up into a noble and honorable young woman. People like you can rise above your troubles and shine like a beacon to _everyone_ around you."

Tigress choked a little when she tried to respond to Po, so she said nothing.

"And Mei Ling," he said as he looked back into her eyes, "You can rise above the quagmire of darkness that Master Junjie tried to drag you down into. _The fact you risked so much for Tigress proves that there is a shining light in your heart that's just crying out to be seen by everyone around you!_"

"Wow," said Crane quietly, "I'd swear that's something Grand Master Oogway would have said."

"Can I stay here and train with you?" she asked ever so quietly.

"As the acting **Master of the Jade Palace**..." he said with a dramatic pause.

"_Oh just spill it already!_" snapped Tigress.

"I hereby proclaim..."

"I could have treated _5 patients_ faster than this," grumbled Scorpion.

"that the Clouded Leopard known as Mei Ling..."

"I think I'm gonna molt," grumbled Crane.

"can stay and train at the Jade Palace as long as she wants to stay here!"

"Thank you so much," she replied as she fought to keep from crying. Drops of water collected in the corner of her eyes.

"The theater is now closed," grumbled Scorpion, "I'm going to give her a pain medicine that's going to put her back to sleep for at least 8 hours, as soon as I get some food into her stomach, she relieves herself, and you know... that _other_ stuff."

"But she'll fully recover, right?" asked Po.

"Of course!" said Scorpion, "Why does everyone treat me like this is the first day I've done medicine?"

"THAT'S AWESOME!" he declared as he kissed Mei Ling's forehead. When he turned to Scorpion to list all the things her could make to feed Mei Ling, Tigress stepped up and softly kissed her on the forehead as well.

"I'm just so glad you'll recover," she whispered into Mei Ling's ear.

"I'm so glad that the person I risked all to save turned out to be... as special and great as you."

Tigress blushed. "I'll see you later around dinnertime," she said softly.

"Count on it."

Tigress turned as she hugged Po unexpectedly from behind. Mei Ling watched quietly as Po stiffened, glanced back over his shoulder, and then mellowed out again. She could tell they were in love with each other.

But then Master Crane stepped in between as he said, "Hey Mei Ling. Hope you get better real soon."

"Thanks," she said as she put her hand on the base of his wing. He put his other wing over her hand. "So what's the deal with the lovebirds over there?"

"The who-whats?" he asked naively.

"Oh, it's nothing important."

"'Kay."

"Would you move over, feather-butt?" asked Scorpion from the floor below, "It's time for someone to take their medicine, and if _you aren't out of my way in 3 seconds, it's going to be you_."

"Just come by later," she said softly, "So we can catch up, alright?"

"Sure," he sighed as he stepped aside.

She hopped up to the side of the cot as she announced, "Well, you all better leave unless you want to see Mei Ling take her medicine by the most efficient means possible."

"_Efficient means_?" asked Tigress, then she gasped as she started pushing everyone out of the room ahead of her. Master Crane was already leaving under his own power.

"What's the matter?" asked Po, "What's the most efficient means?"

"She's going to give her that medicine..." she said slowly, paused and finished, "_rectally_."

"Wreck-a-what-ally?"

"In the _ass_," growled Tigress softly, "She taking it in the _ass_..."

He blinked and said, "oh... _oh_... Oh... OH... _**OH MY**_..." By then, Tigress had pushed him out the door just as he gave a wide-eyes stare to Mei Ling and Scorpion. Scorpion was just starting to undo the trousers of her patient.

"I'm sorry it has to be taken like this," she said softly, "I'll make sure it doesn't hurt. It's already been oiled for ease of..." The rest of the sentence could not be heard.

Then Po heard a gasp just loud enough to carry to their ears outside. He then turned to see that Master Viper had just passed Master Crane in the hallway and was about to pass them.

"Don't go in there," warned Po, "Scorpion is... doing... things... to Mei Ling..."

"Mei Ling?" asked Viper, "_When did she get back? What is she doing here? Why is Scorpion..._"

"This might be hard to believe," interrupted Tigress, "but the leopard to saved me from Junjie and his flunkies is also named Mei Ling."

"Oh," she said as he eyes opened a little wider, "So I take it she's come around?"

"At least until the medicine takes effect."

"Well, I need to speak to Tigress about something important," she said awkwardly.

"Well spit it out," said Tigress.

"I can't," she said, "Not here."

Tigress glanced up at Po, then returned her gaze to say, "Alright, my room in 5 minutes."

Viper nodded as she slithered away.

...

Viper sat coiled at the end of Tigress' cot. Her entire body was trembling. She had never been so worried before in her whole life. If Tigress rejected her heart now, her life as she knew it would be over. She couldn't bear to live another minute in the Jade Palace if Tigress didn't share her feelings, or worse, hated her for how she really felt about Tigress. The room was dark, because both snakes and tigers were well adapted to seeing in low light, although tigers were somewhat better.

"Master Viper?" asked Tigress as she came in, "What's wrong? You look so upset."

Viper lowered her head. Tigress walked over and sat beside her.

"If there's something you need, something you're worried about, or any other matter of concern," she said softly, "You can tell me any time."

She began to choke as she said, "Well... it's like this... I mean to say... there's this certain... I have these... I just want..."

"Is it you're sterility?" asked Tigress, "I won't think any less..."

"No," said Viper, "It's just that..."

"Your injury?" she asked, "It's certainly not bad enough to..."

"No," she answered as she forced herself to look into Tigress' eyes, "I just have to tell you... Grand Master Oogway said I should be honest... that all these years we've trained together... _I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU!_"

Tigress smiled, turned to face her from the waist, and opened her arms. Viper lashed ahead and wrapped herself about Tigress' torso. "What makes you think I _haven't_ felt the same about you?" she asked as she petted Viper's coils.

"Because..." she choked, "The first night we met, I was cold, lonely and scared. It was the first time I was ever away from my parents. I asked you and Monkey if I could sleep with you, but you both acted so _horrified_ at the idea. I thought you both hated me because I was just another snake. _So I swore I'd never ask again. I would never seek comfort with another __no matter how much it hurt me_. Not until Po came along. He wasn't scared of me. I didn't gross him out. **He thought I was awesome.** _When I was cold or suffering from nightmares, he never turned me away. He let me coil on his stomach like he trusted me with his own life._"

"_I'm so sorry_," replied Tigress, "but I was still just a scared little kid myself. I never shared a cot with anyone _because I was used to being alone_. Actually, _I did want to have you sleep with me_. I did want to have your company and friendship, but I was too scared to accept your offer. **It was never you who was in the wrong, it was ****ME****!**" Tigress began to shudder, choke and sob herself as she said, "_and I love you too!_"

The two began to cry on each other, softly at first, but growing quickly into a flood of tears and sobbing.

"I just want you to know," cried Tigress, "is that if you ever need comfort for any reason, you can crawl under my sheets or into my sleeping bag _without even asking first_, **because I'll never turn you away**."

"Thank you," choked Viper, "**Thank you so much!**"

"That's what friends... _NO, that's what people in love do!_"

Viper reared her head and planted a heartfelt kiss right on Tigress' lips. They both closed their eyes and just lived for the moment. Then the two separated and smiled at each other.

"Oh," sighed Viper, "If I only had..."

"No," said Tigress as she hushed her with a finger over her lips, "That cannot be changed now. We can just make sure the what we do today, and what we must do so that tomorrow lives up to our dreams. I'm just glad that you were finally able to tell me how you felt. I may not look it, but I'm quite shy inside. Coming to you and confessing how I felt most likely never would have happened."

"But what happens when you're married to Po?"

"Oh, that won't change our relationship, or your relationship with him. Who know, you might just wind up with a pair of stomachs to sleep on," said Tigress as she smiled.

"Oh, if I could sleep between you two, I'm sure the heat of your love would make sure I was never cold or uncomfortable _ever again_."

Tigress actually chuckled. Viper couldn't remember if she had ever heard Tigress chuckle from her belly like that.

"You know, since Po is the Master of the Jade Palace, he has sufficient means to take me as his co-wife and concubine," suggested Viper slyly.

Tigress paused to look at Viper, and then said, "I suppose he does at that, but we would certainly have to ask his permission first."

"I dare say we ask him at breakfast tomorrow morning."

Tigress smirked as she said, "Sure. _Why not_." The two continued to hug and cuddle until dinner. They knew they would be just too excited if they just blurt out their proposition at the dinner table.

...

Tigress smirked at Po as she on the others waited on Po to serve them noodles. "Isn't it beneath the dignity of the honorable acting Master of the Jade Palace to serve his underlings?"

"Hey, I manage the day to day affairs of the place, so I get to tell myself what I can and cannot do, right?" replied Po as he carried in a pair of noodle bowls on each arm and two more stacked on his head.

"But still we need much work on your ceremonial duties relating to the Jade Palace and the honors of Kung Fu. There are many Kung Fu Masters of higher standing then you, and _every last one of them will expect that you treat them right_ no matter what the occasion or festival it might be."

"I'm probably just as gifted with ceremony as I am with Kung Fu."

"Even a mimic cannot learn a ceremony by just seeing it once."

"Oh..."

"I can hardly believe I'm about to suggest this," began Tigress seriously, "but since you've been promoted to acting Master of the Jade Palace, and we're running out of room in the Student Baracks,.. I think it's time you moved into Master Shifu's room just off from the Room of Warriors."

Po just blinked a moment, and then finally said, "Seriously?!"

She nodded. Then she added slyly, "Of course, once we're married, that will be my room as well."

Fenhuang gave Tigress such a dirty look, and it was lucky Tigress was only looking into Po's eyes when she said that aloud. But Viper, who was between Tigress and Po, looked back at Tigress with such large, pleading eyes. She smiled and nodded.

Viper turned to look Po in the eyes as she begged, "Po, I am begging you. Please take me as your co-wife and concubine!"

Everyone but Viper and Tigress were stunned.

"I can do that?" asked Po.

"Well if you have the means, you can have as many wives as you want to."

"Really?"

Viper nodded.

Fenghuang suddenly smiled as she walked around behind Po, rubbed his back with her head, and cooed, "You know, taking me as a co-wife and concubine would make sure that none of your other wives would ever be left unsupported. If anyone knows how to make some gold coin, _it's me_. And you get all of this awesomely beautiful owl, *_cough_* his words, _not mine_ *_cough_* at no cost. I can't think of a better win-win situation that the one you get with me."

But Scorpion wasn't going to sit by and do nothing. She scrabbled up on Po's head and offered, "Money is NOTHING without good health. With my acupressure and my knowledge of medicine, you'll be fit and in shape the day you turn 100 years old. I bet you'll even conceive a child the day before you die."

Po and Tigress both blushed really badly at the last part of Scorpion's claim.

"Ladies... Ladies?" she stammered, "Oy flaven..." He then passed out into a bowl of noodles. Scorpion, of course, landed on her feet rather smoothly. He was joined a few seconds later as Tigress fainted dead away onto the floor behind her.

Fenghuang looked at Viper and Scorpion, and cooed, "I'm perfectly willing to share Po with all of you and my _sweet little Tigress_." They both looked back and smiled.

"There's ONLY one thing left between us and happiness," hissed Viper, "and that's _TAI LUNG_."

"Technically two things if Master Shifu has in fact turned on us," muttered Crane.

Mei Ling cuddled Crane's wing as she purred, "You never cease to amaze me."


	21. Chapter 21

Po, the Harem Master

Part 21: Po and the Flight of the Shining Eagle

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po awoke wondering how long he had been out, or how long he had been dreaming. He wondered how he had wound up in the finest bed he had ever slept in, and then realized he was in Master Shifu's room after it had been all dolled up and made fancy by someone. It seemed so strange that four women would propose to him no matter how sweet he might have been to them. He sat up, taking the sheets along with him.

"Master," purred Tigress sleepily, "Stop taking the covers."

He looked next to himself and saw Tigress laying there on her side facing his direction. There was 2 things wrong with this picture: The fact Tigress was wearing nothing at all, and the fact that her four teats were obviously engorged with milk. But before he could figure out what the deal with that was, he could hear the squalling of babies erupt in the distance.

Tigress sat up like the hopping dead, turned, and climbed out of bed. Well, at least she didn't stand up like a hopping dead. He slipped out of bed and followed her out of the room. When he was about to turn and follow Tigress down the hall, he saw something in the room across the way. He stepped up to look into the room and realized that it was Master Viper, and boy was her lower body bloated all out of shape. It was like she swallowed an small pig villager whole and a number of days earlier at that.

But Viper snapped up and looked him in the eyes. He waved slightly without even realizing that he had been doing so. "So, my loving adorable Husband," she asked softly, "Have you come to check on your handiwork once again? You know they aren't due for at least another month, and your nervous looks won't make them come even one second sooner."

He blinked, and then ran after Tigress. By now, the squalling had stopped. He looked up to see a sign marked 'NURSERY', and rushed in to see Tigress clutching something to her chest. There was a crib standing just beyond her: A very nice one made of the finest red wood and covered with enough silk to make sure the occupants would have to work hard if they wanted to injure themselves. When she turned and smiled, he could see that she was clutching a baby panda and a baby tiger to her chest, and they were both adorably nursing (rather hungrily). "Just look at sweet Pandora and feisty little Tigressa," she said as her face glowed with pride, "They're growing so fast." She paused to yelp in pain before she continued, "And I think their baby teeth are coming in too."

Then he noticed that there was yet another crib beyond the one Tigress had visited. Just then, another voice began to squall as another voice began to cry loudly. He walked over, looked in, and saw that there was an owl chick and _another panda baby_?! The owl chick was still covered with baby down, and the panda baby's eye weren't open yet.

"While it's real kind of you to offer," said a voice he recognized as Fenghuang, "But I already ate extra food tonight so I'd have plenty to regurgitate to the babies." He turned to see a slightly bedraggled owl standing there, and she was dressed naught but for her fine feathers. She boldly walked up to him and gave him a little kiss on the lips. Then she walked past and leaned over into the crib. He stepped back when she started heaving, and then spewed. Then she did it again. "What?" she groaned, "Are you still hungry? I'd swear you're going to be too fat to fly, my little fledgling girl. Very well, I ate plenty just to be sure." She seemed to spew her food a little faster this time. He was really glad he couldn't see her doing any of this.

He looked back at Tigress glowing with motherly beauty as the babies nursed in her arms. It seemed like minutes passed as she looking smiling from one baby to the other. She then stepped up and put both babies on his shoulders.

"It's your turn to burp them," she said with a slight yawn, "Come back to bed when were done and see if you can help me with my... _personal problems_?" She ran her hands over her hips and up her sides as she suggestively smiled at him. Without waiting for a response, she turned and left. He held and patted the babies' back until he could hear belching, and more than once from each shoulder.

Fenghuang, in the meantime walked by as she commented, "You know, that's really gross." He looked at the owl's back as she walked out of the room, and glanced down into the other crib to see that those two babies were already peacefully slumbering. There was a slight mess from the food that didn't make it into their mouths all around them.

Then when he was sure the belching stopped, he put the baby panda and tiger back in their crib, but not before they grabbed one finger from each hand and sucked on them a little while. He winced when the little tigress nipped his finger a little hard, and he sighed, "Baby teeth alright." He picked each baby up again to plant a big sloppy kiss on their forehead accompanied by some raspberry noises, and put the giggling child back down before tucking them in.

But then a voice cried out from the hallway. "Po!" called Scorpion, "I'm stuck again! Please help me, my love!"

He ran out into the hall to see Scorpion just a couple of doors down. Her belly was swollen so large, it almost looked like she had swallowed a rhino villager whole. She was indeed stuck in the doorway.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" she screamed at him.

...

Shining Eagle soared through the night sky towards home. She normally did not fly at night, but she wanted to make sure her father, Master Eagle, would have time to come back and watch her rematch with her old rival, Fenghuang. There was barely time to tell Po that she was even leaving, so she left a note on his cot. Fenghuang may well be able to remove her slings the very next day.

Looking at the mountain sides as she passed them, she knew she couldn't be far away from the Grand Eagle Aerie where her father's Aerial Kung Fu School resided. Only the best of fliers were allowed to attend that school, and even Shining Eagle had to pass the trials to enter just like everyone else. She knew she had to be close when she started seeing white stone pillows carved into stylized and romantic images of floating clouds.

Then the Arial Kung Fu School came into view. The most striking thing about the place was not the grounds or buildings of white, but all of the white poles sticking out of the ground with perches for at least a dozen fliers each. But the other thing that stuck out most was the fact that Master Eagle was standing on the Field of Honor with his eyes riveted on her as she flew in.

"_Where have you been?!_" he asked firmly.

"I rescued a panda, a snake and a scorpion from a cave in," she replied.

"THAT took _this_ long?" he asked suspiciously.

"No father," she answered, "Finding out that Fenghuang is at the Jade Palace, learning that Grand Master Oogway had become one with the Universe, and battling Junjie of the Sacred Onyx Council took that long."

He blinked in disbelief. It was obvious since he had never again donned a hood since he permanently retired his Hood of Honor. "You've been very busy. Did you settle your score with Fenghuang?"

"No, she was badly injured. She was in no shape to fight. We agreed to fight when she was better, and she could be ready to fight me _tomorrow_."

"I see," he mused as he fiddled with one of his long beak whiskers, "and I take it you want me to be there when you fight her again?"

"That would mean more to me than any other gift."

"Very well," he replied, "I was wondering why you flew back here in such a state at night. Get some sleep, my child. I shall be ready to go with you after breakfast."

She nodded as she went off towards her room.

...

Po awoke in a cold sweat. He looked around and sighed in relief that he was still in his old cot at the Student Barracks. He got up and crept over to Master Tigress' room. Peeking in the door, he noticed that she was wearing naught but a loincloth, and that her torso and stomach were both wrapped by Viper. Viper's head was resting just under Tigress' chin. But at least neither of them appeared to be pregnant or in a state of nursing. He realized it was just some REALLY weird dream he had.

"Maybe you are a sicko after all," said Fenghuang from just behind him.

He spun and faced her as he spluttered quietly, "It's not like that. The... it was... I mean... oh, you'd never understand it..."

"Try me and find out," she replied.

"Very well," he sighed, "I woke up and found that Tigress was laying next to me. Her teats were just chock full of milk. I followed her to a nursery, and found she was nursing a baby tiger and a baby panda. Judging by their names, they were both little girls. But that was after I found Viper with a huge swollen uterus, and she asked me if I had come by to check on 'my handiwork'. Then I saw another crib with an owlet and another baby panda in that. You came in and did the whole throwing up in their mouths thing, and then Scorpion called out to me because her belly was swollen so large, she was stuck in the doorway."

"So you wanted to make sure Tigress wasn't nursing and Viper wasn't bloated?"

"Something like that."

"It's understandable that you checked," she said as she rubbed her head on his chest, "but still just a little bit perverted to spy on them without asking." Then she said, "Oh, I should have given you this note I found on your cot hours ago." She backed up and took a small, tightly wrapped scroll from under her wing.

"You took something off my cot?" he asked as he opened the scroll and read it.

"Well you were all kinds of busy at the time," she replied, "So what does it say?"

"Shining Eagle went back home to fetch Master Eagle so he can be present when you're ready to duel."

"My wings should be healed this morning, so I guess that is later today, isn't it?"

Po nodded.

"PO!" shouted Master Monkey from his room, "YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!"

"I don't care about your latest gimmick..."

"IT'S NOT THAT! JUST COME HERE!"

He could hear Tigress and Viper stir as he and Fenghuang came into Monkey's room. Monkey was standing by the open window, staring out towards the Courtyard. Stepping up to the window, he saw nothing until Monkey grabbed his head and turned it 90 degrees. It was then that he saw a flight of a dozen eagles gliding in towards the Courtyard with Master Eagle and Shining Eagle leading them all. Of all the eagles present, only Master Eagle was not wearing a hood.

He wore robes of pure white while the others (not including Shining Eagle) were wearing robes of jade green trimmed with silver. It was also obvious that everyone but Shining Eagle was wearing their Iron Battle Claws. Po was struck by how glorious they all looked as they were lit up by the rays of the morning sun.

"**So that's how it's going to be?**" snorted Fenghuang as she turned to flee from the room.

Everyone rushed to dress to greet the visitors save for the leopard Mei Ling and Scorpion. He glanced into Mei Ling's room, and saw she was still sound asleep despite all the racket going on around them. Then he covered his eyes and looked away when he noticed her trousers were still down by several inches. Scorpion was looking her as she slept. He moved along without comment.

...

"DAD," moaned Shining Eagle, "It's just an hour or so after sunrise. Of course there's no one out here to greet us."

"It's still disrespectful to make a Kung Fu Master wait," he replied.

"Well, Master Po is the _acting Master of the Jade Palace_. He was just raised to the post about a day and a half ago. He hasn't even had a chance to settle into his new room yet."

"_Still disrespectful_," he chided her.

Po burst out of the Student Barracks in his formal waiter's uniform, straightening it out as he rushed out to greet Master Eagle and Shining Eagle.

Turning to face his daughter, Master Eagle asked, "_IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?!_"

Shining Eagle asked, "What's wrong, father?"

"_WHAT'S WRONG?!_" he screeched, "**WHAT'S WRONG?!** _HE INSULTS US BY COMING OUT IN A WAITER'S UNIFORM AND YOU HAVE TO ASK ME __WHAT'S WRONG__?!_"

"Calm yourself, father" said Shining Eagle.

"Forgive me," said Po quickly, "I was made acting Master of the Jade Palace less than two days ago without any ceremony or even notice. It may be a lame excuse, but I haven't even had a chance to order the proper clothing for my job yet. If you're upset at anyone, just be angry with me."

"How... irregular... I must say," said Master Eagle in a slow and measured voice.

"I know," added Po, "I'm not even fully finished with my Dragon Warrior Training yet."

"Dragon Warrior, you say? Well, I must say you're soaring to new heights now, aren't you? I guess you must be pretty proud of what you've done."

"DAD," moaned Shining Eagle, "He's far too modest to just brag, boast and carry on about his own achievements. The Dragon Warrior came from modest means, not some might Kung Fu Academy."

"Really?" asked Master Eagle, "How interesting."

"SO YOU BROUGHT HELP TO BRING ME DOWN, HAVE YOU?!" screeched Fenghuang from the Student Barracks doorway. She was dressed in naught but an open jacket, bandages, slings for both wings, a loincloth, and iron battle claws that Po could have sworn he had never seen before.

"FENGHUANG?!" screeched Master Eagle back, "HOW DARE YOU COME OUT IN SUCH A STATE OF UNDRESS! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!"

"DOES IT EVEN MATTER HOW I'M DRESSED IF YOU AND YOUR BULLY BOYS ARE JUST GOING TO _TEAR ME TO PIECES_?!"

"SHAMEFUL LITTLE VULTURE!"

"BOASTFUL BIG PIGEON!"

"STOP IT!" screeched Shining Eagle, "**JUST STOP IT!** NOONE IS GOING TO TEAR ANYONE TO PIECES! THEY'RE JUST HEAR TO WATCH OUT DUEL, FENGHUANG! NOTHING MORE!" Everyone just stopped and stared at the volume, the intensity of Shining Eagle's outburst.

"Oh," said Fenghuang at last, "Very sorry."

"As am I," answered Master Eagle. He turned to the other Eagles as he said, "Everyone return your iron claws to your belts at once. It was wrong of us to fly in here displaying weapons like that."

The other eagles nodded as they removed their iron claws and put them back onto their sashes.

"That's better," huffed Shining Eagle.

Fenghuand turned and stalked back into the Student Barracks without another word.

"Well, a rough beginning," said Po, "but I'm sure things can only look up from here, right?"

"OH, IT SURE CAN GET WORSE!" hollered Monkey as he grabbed Po's head and turned it again. Gliding in from the other side of the Courtyard was a dozen Owl Warriors. They were also coming in with their Iron Battle Claws out on their feet and ready for action.

"What do you want here?!" screeched Master Eagle.

"Calm yourselves," said the lead Owl, "We're only here to arrest the renegade Fenghuang. A source tipped us off that she was hiding at the Jade Palace until she could flee for cover again just because Grand Master Oogway was one with the Universe." Po wondered what kind of issues there might be between the Eagles and the Owls, or who might have ratted out Fenghuang to the Owls.

"And she was _pardoned by Grand Master Oogway_ of all crimes before he left," said Po smoothly, as he darn well knew that was well within the rights and powers of a Grand Master to do so.

"Do you have a signed statement to that effect?"

"No, but I have a dozen or more witnesses who are willing to swear upon pain of death that what I just said was completely true."

"Including me," said Tigress as she stepped forward and bowed.

"And me," said Viper as she slithered forward and bowed. The situation was repeated as Master Crane, Master Mantis, and Master Monkey all stepped up to vouch for Fenghuang.

Just then, Fenghuang screeched from in the Hall somewhere, "Po, darling! Help me get dressed!"

"A thousand pardons," he said as he turned and ran back calling, "Of course, I'll be right there!"

"This just gets weirder and weirder," muttered Master Eagle.


	22. Chapter 22

Po, the Harem Master

Part 22: Po and the Flight of Fancy

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po had hardly finished dressing Fenghuang before Scorpion started disrobing her. After all, she couldn't be dressed AND have her bandages removed. It wasn't like she was complaining. The slings were coming off hopefully for the last time along with the splints Grand Master Oogway set on her seemingly a lifetime ago. Once freed, she was more than happy to stretch her wings and test them out. In fact, her first official act with them was to wrap them about Po's shoulders so she could plant a surprise attack kiss on his unprepared lips.

'_He never stops falling for that_,' thought Scorpion idly, '_Maybe it's on purpose?_'

And is if on cue, Tigress walked in on them, and she separated the two of them without having to say a single sound. She looked into Po's eyes, then Fenghuang's eyes, turned and then stalked out.

"I think she's starting to accept that you and I are a couple," said Fenghuang quietly as she watched Tigress leaving the room. If Tigress heard her, she didn't acknowledge that she did.

"Heeeeeey," said Po, "Let's just get you redressed again..."

"My breast feathers are ruffled again."

"But you can just..."

"But I'm asking _you_ to help me with them," cooed the owl as she leaned into him, "You wouldn't leave a woman in distress, _would you?_"

"Uh..."

"Oh, could you just _get this over with_?" moaned Scorpion, "_We haven't got all day, you know_."

So Po pretended the ceiling was so interesting as he smoothed her breasts feathers (while she all but purred like a satisfied cat). Scorpion almost suspected that the owl was hamming up the whole thing just to get a reaction from the panda. She just let it painfully drag on for minutes before Scorpion just gave out a huge sigh that ruined the moment.

Then Fenghuang allowed Po to dress her again even though she was quite capable of dressing herself at that point. "Po, darling," she cooed as he tried to walk out, "My wings are still just a bit sensitive. Just one more time... _PLEASE_?" Po could never say no to sincere sounding pleas.

"Alright," said Scorpion, "We should get you outside so you can fully test and work out your wings. I'm sure Master Crane would love to keep an eye on you while you're flying."

"I'm sure," she cooed while still looking at Po. He seemed to be rather distracted by her eyes.

"_Then we'll pluck all your feathers and stuff them into a pillow_."

"I'm sure."

"_And then you can happily marry Shining Eagle_."

"I'm sure."

"_ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!_"

"What?" asked Fenghuang and Po as they suddenly turned and paid attention to Scorpion.

"I said, 'We should get you outside so you can fully test and work out your wings. I'm sure Master Crane would love to keep an eye on you while you're flying'."

"A splendid idea," cooed the owl, "I'm sure my darling Po would love to watch me as I return to the glorious skies."

"Uh... yeah... sure..."

"After all, you did say _you wanted to be an owl_ in your next life."

He nodded.

"And Grand Master Oogway himself said we shared a _special bond that would help us later_, right?"

He nodded again. Actually, he didn't think she was paying attention when the Grand Master had told him that little thing.

"Well how can you fight destiny? How can you reverse the gale of fate?"

He shrugged. She smirked as if she had won something before leading them outdoors. Owls and Eagles remained separated in the Courtyard as they watched her leave the Student Barracks. It seemed like neither group was thrilled to see her.

She didn't care what they thought about her. With her old cockiness, she just walked out between the two groups, stretched her wings out, and test flapped them.

Po was looking at something other than her. He saw Master Crane standing and having a talk with Mei Ling (the leopard).

"Hey Master Crane!" shouted Po as he waved him over.

"What do you need?" asked Crane as he came over. Mei Ling followed along.

"Could you be a pal, and keep an eye on Fenghuang while she tries her wings. I just have a feeling that she's gonna fly higher than it's safe to. Someone has to make sure she gets safely back to the ground if she over does it."

"Sure Po," he said agreeably.

It was good timing, because the aforementioned owl was hopping into the air in short bursts as she increased the speed and power of her test flaps.

"_I feel wonderful_," she said energetically.

She hopped up and glided half way across the Courtyard.

"Let's not get carried away!" said Po as she landed.

She turned and said back, "Oh, you care about me so much. I hardly understand what I did to deserve all of this. But I'm not a fledgling anymore. I already know how to fly. It's not any harder than it was the first time I fell out... _*cough*_ I mean, flew out of the nest."

"Stop stalling!" called an eagle.

"Let's get this over with!" called an owl.

"Hey!" called Po, "_She just got her wings out of the splints and slings!_ Give her a little mercy at the very least!"

"**Like she showed mercy to Shining Eagle?!**" called another eagle accusingly.

"That's the past and it can't be changed!" called Po, "Grand Master Oogway forgave her of all her crimes! Just let it go!"

Fenghuang positively glowed as she listened to her darling Po defending her. She ran to the edge of the Courtyard and hopped up onto the wall. Looking over and smiling at Po, she leaped into the open air beyond where they couldn't see her anymore.

"Crane!" shouted Po, "GO!"

Master Crane shot over the wall in pursuit of Fenghuang, but he was greatly relieved when the two of them came flying up together riding an updraft. He was reminded of the first time he saw her flying when he was climbing the steps to the Jade Palace with his shoulder bag. The one with Quiong Qu hiding in the bottom at the time. The bag the owl shouldered and carried most of the way up the steps for him. He remembered just how awesome she looked in flight.

They turned, flew in a circle, and then dipped out of sight again. By now, Shining Eagle and Master Eagle had appeared to watch their performance. They spoke together, but Po couldn't catch what they were saying from where he was. He was too worried about Fenghuang to go over and ask them.

The two of them were out of sight for too long. He ran over to the Palace Gates to see if they had managed to glide down to the village, but he couldn't see them there either. His worst fears came to pass when he saw the crane fly around the side of the spire the Palace was built on with the owl upon his back.

"FENGHUANG?!" he called in dismay and concern. He plucked her off his back and held her against his chest with both arms. She was unconscious.

"A freak side-draft blew her into the cliff face," he said, "I don't think it was hard enough to break anything. She'll probably come around any minute."

But Po was too busy rushing her back to the infirmary to pay attention. He and Scorpion would find that out for themselves. The eagles and owls were both following Po with their eyes. Crane was following behind along with Mei Ling.

...

Fenghuang awoke to see Po, Scorpion, Crane and Mei Ling all looking over her anxiously.

"I told you not to overdo it!" said an overwrought Po.

"It was a freak weather condition," said Crane in advance, "Could happen to any flier."

"Yes," said Fenghuang, "but I could have turned away from the cliff if my wings were strong enough. Darling Po was right. _I did overdo it_."

About then, Shining Eagle and Master Eagle stepped up to the doorway.

"_There will be no duels today_," said Po with the full authority and tone of a Master of the Jade Palace.

"I understand," said Shining Eagle.

"I shall send the other eagles home," said Master Eagle.

"What about you, father?"

"I shall stay here with my daughter. She is my responsibility."

"_DAD_..."

"I know parents can be embarrassing," said Po softly, "We don't have any more room in the Student Barracks, so I'll make sure the two of you get the best room..."

"No," said Shining Eagle, "My place is in the Student Barracks with the rest of you. It's just a short flight to the village. You're a Master and deserve better than a simple room, Dad."

"I was going to let him use Master room," offered Po.

"No," said Master Eagle, "You are the _Master of the Jade Palace_. _That room is yours by right_. I could not act so _dishonorably_ by using that room myself. The Inn in the Village will be more than adequate. I'd happily sleep on the floor if that let me be closer to my daughter."

"_DAD_," said Shining Eagle.

"Are you positive about that, Master Eagle?" asked Po.

"Please, don't call me that anymore," he replied, "I've retired from Kung Fu in order to be the father that Shining Eagle deserves. She's also the only one I spend time with Kung Fu anymore. That's why I no longer wear the Hood of Honor."

Po couldn't help but notice how Shining Eagle looked down at the floor as he spoke. He would have to ask her about it later.

"Well," he said brightly, "I'm sure we have space to share lunch with us."

"Po make some of the most delicious noddle soup I've ever tasted," said Shining Eagle.

"_The Master of the Jade Palace cooks_?" asked Master Eagle.

"Acting Master," reminded Shining Eagle, "I'm sure they'll hire a professional chef when he has been given the official recognition ceremony and established his office here. He came from humble means, Dad. And he's doing it for his friends and students."

That seemed to cut off the outburst Shining Eagle sensed was just about to come from her father.

"Look," said Po as he looked over his shoulder, "Fenghuang needs her rest right now. Let's move this somewhere else, okay?"

They nodded.

...

Fenghuang awoke to the stare of Po, but he was much older looking. He had a mustache and beard so long, they dragged on the floor. He was standing at her bedside.

"How long was I out?" she asked.

"82 years."

"HOW LONG?!" she asked horrified.

"_You've been unconscious for 82 years_."

"Wait," she said as she looked at her horribly bloated belly, "What's wrong with me?"

"_Oh, you've been pregnant for 81 years_."

"WHAT?! When did that happen?!"

"Funny thing that," he said softly, "After you fell asleep, two dragons appeared and said you would sleep for 82 years, be pregnant for 81 years, and give birth to the Greatest Kung Fu Master of ALL TIME."

"Seriously?"

"Does this look like my jokey face to you?"

"Uh... No?"

"Ah!" he said as he looked between her legs past her swollen belly, "The baby is coming now!"

She could see her belly possessed by spasms even though she oddly couldn't feel it. Po dipped down from her sight, and then stood up holding an adult panda who looked just like the adult version of Po she used to know.

"Look," he said softly, "He has your eyes."

...

Fenghuang awoke with a screech that drew the attention of Scorpion.

"What is it?" she asked, "Are you in agony?"

"HUH?! WHAT?!" asked the owl as she looked about in a panic. She looked at her stomach and gently patted it with her wings. She was not horribly pregnant, and was greatly relieved about it.

"Stomach ache, huh?"

"Maybe a little indigestion," she lied, "Sorry to make you worry so."

"Don't worry about it," replied Scorpion, "I've been there."

But when Po and Tigress rushed into the room, she couldn't look them in the eyes.

"What's wrong?" asked Po on the verge of panic.

"_Stomach issues_," said Scorpion, "I'm preparing some medicine for that right now."

"I'm sorry to make you all..."

She couldn't finish her sentence because she was cut off by Po's bear hug. "I'm just so glad that you're all right," he said firmly, "I was _so worried_ when Crane returned here carrying you on his back." The owl was so happy that she didn't even mention the slight tenderness of her wings.

Tigress stepped up and separated the two again.

"As long as you're there," said Scorpion, "_Give her this medicine_. I know it tastes bad, but make sure she drinks every last drop."

He held the cup to her beak as she swallowed it all down. '_I guess this is what I deserve for not telling them about my nightmares_,' thought the owl to herself.

"Oh," he said as an afterthought, "I got Master Eagle a nice room down at the inn. He'll stay around until you're ready to honor your duel with Shining Eagle. I guess that means she'll being staying in the Student Barracks until then as well."

'_Great_,' she thought, '_I still need an edge against Tigress if I'm going to be the number one wife here_.'

Without warning, she tried to pull Tigress into a kiss with her. Tigress managed to turn her head enough to make a kiss on the lips into a kiss on the cheek, but not before Fenghuang made it a large, sucking kiss.

"_Fenghuang_?!" asked Tigress, "_What has gotten into you_?!"

"Well since you're obviously going to be the _number one wife_," she cooed into Tigress' ear, "It's only natural that _we should be the best of friends too_." She could see the wide eyed, gaping mouthed stare that she was getting from Po, _just as she planned it_.

"_But what makes you even think_..."

"Oh, I've seen you and Viper kissing," she replied evenly, "So I figure if Viper's trying so hard to be chummy, why shouldn't I try as hard myself?"

"That's not the..."

"_After all, we'll be sharing Po's love for many years_. We'll probably be _sharing the responsibility_ for all of our babies as well."

Po and Tigress suddenly blushed. _Just as the owl planned it_. She felt that they were putty in her talons.


	23. Chapter 23

Po, the Harem Master

Part 23: Po and the Courtship of Eagle's Father

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po awoke the next morning. It was moving day for the acting Master of the Jade Palace. Out of respect for Master Shifu, he would do the moving himself. That way, he was sure that all of Shifu's personal effects would get the utmost respect when they were packed into storage. In case Shifu returns balanced, and wishes to be restored as the proper Master of the Jade Palace. He somehow managed to actually be up just as the glow of the sunrise that came before the actual sunrise began to light up the horizon.

He glanced under the bed to note that Scorpion was under the cot, and tiptoed out as to not awaken her. She did look very peaceful when she was sleeping. Po was never bothered by her appearances, as he knew what she was really like underneath her carapace.

Stalking into the kitchen, he began fixing sticky buns when he heard someone say behind him, "My, aren't you up early this morning?" He looked around to see Fenghuang standing in a corner he could have sworn was empty just a second earlier.

"I guess," said Po, "I'm just worried about what's going to happen to Shifu's personal effects once I move into his room."

"Why should that bother you?" she asked, "He's been nothing but a jerk to you. Never believed that you have been worthy of the title Dragon Warrior. He's not even respected you."

"Who told you that?"

"Oh, no one _directly_. But I have pieced it together from snippets of various conversations I've had with the Furious Five, the townsfolk, and the staff of the Jade Palace."

"He has a strong sense of the traditional ways."

"If by that, you mean 'stuffed shirt' and 'stick in the mud', then I agree. Personally, I hope he never comes back as the Master of the Jade Palace. I know the Dragon Warrior is the real deal. He shall run the Jade Palace with heart and conviction."

"You are talking about me, right?"

"Of course I am, you silly goose."

"Silly goose?"

"An old owl saying," she replied quickly, "I don't mean anything by it."

"Oh,.. okay," said Po, "but you are judging Shifu a bit harshly. He's basically a good person. That's what Oogway certainly believed. You shouldn't judge someone based on a narrow set of the current circumstances."

"I suppose I shouldn't be so quick to judge, considering..." She looked down as her voice trailed off.

Po nodded.

"I guess that's why I fell in love with you so completely," she cooed as she bat her eyes at him, "and that's _why my cot is open to you any time you want to join me_."

He stiffened just enough to tell her that she got the reaction she wanted, even though he was trying his hardest to suppress that reaction.

"You know, with all of us wives," she mused openly, "I just might have to get used to having three-ways with you, darling." She paused to gauge his reaction. "Maybe even an orgy or two." With her hearing, she could almost hear his brain exploding. He stood stock still until she began to wonder if the poor thing had fainted standing up. "Darling?!"

Po shook as he coughed to clear his throat, turned about, and asked "Yes dear?"

"Just checking on how those buns you're making are doing."

"Oh," he mused, "They're almost ready."

"I hope you made enough for _two_," she cooed.

"Ah... ah... _of course I did_."

"_So thoughtful. So considerate_."

"I try."

"Oh, you do a whole lot more than _try_."

He brought the bowl of buns over to the table with two pairs of chopsticks.

"By the way, what do you plan to do about Master Eagle?"

"Do?" he asked as he sat down at the table across from the owl.

"Well you _obviously noticed_ the way he clings to Shining Eagle. The _poor dear eagle_ is being all but smothered to death by him. He _really_ needs to get out. Maybe if he started dating again, he might be more willing to give his daughter her own space."

"Oh, of course," he lied, "I just didn't think it was my place to interfere."

"But she's a student at the Jade Palace now. As her master, _it is your place to interfere_. It is your place to look after your student's lives, because it inevitably affects their ability to study Kung Fu."

"Oh, I see. But what should I do?"

"Well I'm sure you've brilliantly deduced that YOU should set Master Eagle up on a date, but you also know that it can't be blatantly obvious about it, or he might just _resent_ your helpfulness. Since he's going to be in the Village for a while, it wouldn't be hard for him to '_just bump into a prospective date_', shall we say?"

"I don't know anyone who's available to date him."

"Oh, you surely must know some single maiden somewhere in the whole Village?" she asked, "I would find someone if I hadn't been gone from the Village for so many years, I've lost track of who is living there now."

"Well perhaps after I move in to Shifu's room..."

"I'll help you!" she offered helpfully, "That way, you can start working on Shining Eagle's problems as soon as possible!"

"Well, that's real nice of you," as he offered her a sticky bun from his own chopsticks out of habit. She gladly allowed herself to be hand fed by him.

As if on cue, Tigress walked in. But this time, she had Viper coiled about her neck and shoulders. It was something that was lost on Po, but not to the observant Fenghuang.

"I see Po is up early," noted Tigress, "A special occasion?"

"No," replied Fenghuang, "We're just going to move into Master Shifu's room this morning."

"_We?_" asked Tigress suspiciously.

The owl coughed, and then said, "I mean Po. Just Po. _I'm just helping him pack up Shifu's personal effects_. Really."

"Well I'm sure as part of Po's Dragon Warrior Training, we can't just let him do it without the proper _supervision and assistance_, now can we?" asked Tigress slyly.

"_Of course_," added Viper.

Just the reaction the owl was hoping for. "Of course," she said smoothly, "As future wives, we should do everything we can to help each other. Who knows. He may well _demand_ that more than one of us come to his bed to entertain him and keep him warm at night."

Po and Tigress blushed.

Viper's smile told the owl that she knew exactly what the owl was playing at. "Oh yes," she added almost directly into Tigress' ear, "He might even _demand_ we amuse each other while he watches us... just to get him in the _proper mood_."

Now Po and Tigress _really blushed_. Their eyes were so large, they might have popped right out of their heads if they weren't attached. Viper slithered onto the table between Po and Tigress. She could sense that the owl was about to deliver the figurative _coup de grâce_.

"Yes," she cooed, "I'm sure the interaction of women of different species would be so... so... _interesting to watch_."

Po fainted into the sticky buns. Tigress fell over backwards as she passed out.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Viper.

"If you mean they should both wake up in Po's cot together," said Fenghuang suggestively, "_Then yes we are_."

They smiled so broadly.

"I guess moving day will have to wait just a little longer," said Viper.

The owl nodded sagely.

...

Tigress came to on top of something soft and oddly lumpy. She opened her eyes to find that she was laying on top of Po in naught but her loincloth. He was snoring as he head was tilted back, mouth agape. She blushed badly as she realized the position she was in. Even though she could feel his trousers under her, her imagination ran wild.

"**PERVERT!**" she shrieked as she slapped him as hard as she could. That woke him up fast.

Viper and Fenghuang just happened to rush into the room, and then Scorpion came in scant seconds later. Tigress leaped backwards off his stomach as he rubbed his chin.

"My goodness!" called Fenghuang, "What's going on here?!"

"_Isn't it obvious?!_" replied Tigress as she landed on her feet cat-like.

"When you fainted at the table," she said, "and he offered to take you back to bed, _I had no idea he was talking about his own cot!_"

"Me neither!" added Viper. She slithered up Tigress' leg and torso until she was coiled about her neck and shoulders again.

Fenghuang moved to Po's side to check his jaw and chin, as did Scorpion. As soon as Po said, "But..." Fenghuang hushed him with her wing.

"Hush," she cooed, "We can't take the chance that you have a broken jaw or loose teeth, _darling_."

"Let's get your clothes," said Viper as she looked at them piled in the corner, "and get you back to your proper room. Then we can get a nice hot bath the way you like it... to help you..." Her voice trailed off into nothing.

"Yes," agreed Tigress as she turned and stalked out of Po's room, "He doesn't need my help to move."

She heard Scorpion say as she moved quickly towards her own room, "It doesn't look broken to me."

...

Shining Eagle awoke to a terrible racket. She could almost swore someone screamed 'PERVERT!' Someone that sounded a lot like Tigress. She leaped from her cot into the hallway dressed in naught but her fine feathers. Tigress was stalking by in her loincloth with her clothes in her hands, and Viper coiled about her shoulders and neck.

"Are we under attack?!" she asked.

"_Only my honor_," snarled Tigress.

"I'm sure it's all just a big misunderstanding," said Viper.

"Oh, the only thing I misunderstood is _what Po really thinks about me_!"

"Focus, breath deeply, and think calmly," said Viper, "I'll do everything I can to help."

"I don't know what I'd do without you," said Tigress softly as she stepped into her room. Shining Eagle winced as she heard the door slide shut behind her with great force.

The Po stepped into the hallway as he asked, "Tigress?"

"Just let her calm down and blow off some steam," said Fenghuang as she followed, "You know what she gets like when she's in a mood. _Besides, Shining Eagle is up now, and you know what you wanted to discuss with her, right?_"

"Discuss with me?" asked the eagle.

"Oh yes, you," said the owl, "Why don't we go to my room where we can have a little more privacy."

"_Your room?_" she asked curiously.

"Yes," she replied calmly, "It's padded to keep the light levels down, and incidentally helps keep the sounds out... _or in_... as well."

"What so important that we need..."

"Come to my room and _I promise all shall be explained_. Well, after you _dress_ yourself anyways."

Shining Eagle suddenly blushed as she stepped back into her room. "5 minutes!" she called as she shut the door behind her. She rushed to dress as she wondered what could possibly be some important that Po and Fenghuang wanted to talk to her about. Once she was dressed, she moved to Fenghuang's room and knocked.

"Enter," said Fenghuang.

She came in to see Po and Fenghuang sitting next to each other on her cot. Once she closed the door behind her, she realized that the room was quite isolated from outside light. In fact, the only light came from a few candles lit on the table in the corner of the room.

"Well, Po couldn't help but notice how your father is just smothering you," said the owl smoothly, "If you want a life of your own, then you need to get a new interest for your father. Since it can't be Kung Fu, then he needs to get a... _romantic interest_. If he has someone to love, then he'll treat you more... normally. You know you have to leave the nest sometime, and if he isn't your Master anymore, then you can stay here at the Jade Palace and learn from the Dragon Warrior himself."

"So this is about getting a date for my father?"

"I suppose that might be a tad over simplifying the whole matter, but yes... _we need to get your father to date again_."

"Why does this matter to any of you?"

"_I asked him that myself_," she replied smoothly, "He just cares about everyone too much. Even the happiness of people he hardly knows matters to him greatly. Who knows what half-baked plan he would have come up with if I wasn't here to advise him on matters of the heart."

"I see," said the eagle evenly.

"I heard how he let thugs get away with Grand Master Yao because _he wouldn't let you die_. _He risked his own life to save me too. Let's not forget Viper either_. If that isn't caring, _I have no idea what is_."

"I see," mused the Eagle.

"And as his future co-wife and concubine," cooed the owl, "I just cannot let him stumble around in the dark without my guidance."

"Future co-wife?"

"Oh yes. It looks like Tigress, Viper, Scorpion and me are all going to marry Po."

"I don't know," replied Shining Eagle, "Tigress seemed really really mad."

"_I'm sure she'll forgive Po as soon as she cools off_. But back to your problems. Let's hear who Po thinks would be a good candidate to date your father."

"Ha-durr..." he spluttered incoherently.

"Not sure I know her..."

"Father spent his whole life around avians," began Shining Eagle, "except when he was battling against the Hyenas."

"Not a lot of those around this Village," replied Fenghuang, "but I'm sure that Po must know a few."

...

Master Eagle opened the door to whoever was knocking.

"Daughter!" he chirped happily, "What brings you here?"

"I just stopped by to see how you're settling in here," she replied softly.

"Oh, I'm settling in well enough."

"Well I just happen to know the owner of the best Noodle Shop in town," she continued, "I just have to take you there for lunch. I'm sure you love the food as much as I do."

"You do?"

"Of course," she replied, "_His son just happens to be the Dragon Warrior_."

"Ah," he said as it suddenly seemed to dawn on him.

"We want to beat the rush. I don't want to make a scene by insisting he takes our order first. That just wouldn't be... _honorable_... to exploit our status like that."

"Of course," he said with sudden pride, "I'll be ready to go in just a moment. Would you like to come in a moment?"

"Oh, I'm good father."

He nodded as he stepped back.

...

The two of them stepped up to the entrance to Mister Ping's Noodle Shop. It looked like all of the tables were already taken. Much to his surprise, Po approached them after dropping off several orders of noodles along the way. He was wearing a serving apron, the pockets stuffed with chopsticks.

"_Dragon Warrior_?" asked Master Eagle.

"I know," interrupted Po, "Just until I officially become Master of the Jade Palace." He leaned closer and said quietly, "My Dad is just too cheap to hire someone _until he absolutely must_." Righting himself, he added, "So how can I help you today?"

"PO!" called Mister Ping, "I have six noodle orders for table six!"

"Dad!" he replied, "I'm taking orders from some VIPs over here! I'll take care of that in just a minute!"

"Just remember to take care of every customer!" he scolded Po.

"Of course, dad!" He stepped in and looked around. Then he walked over to a table with just one goose sitting at it. "Excuse me, Miss Pinyin?"

"Yes Po?" she asked.

"Would you mind sharing your table with Master Eagle and his daughter, Shining Eagle. They're visiting Kung Fu Masters."

"Oh, of course," she replied, "_You know I just love to talk about Kung Fu_."

Po waved the two eagles over to her table. He raced off to get more orders while they seated themselves at her table.

"So you like Kung Fu?" asked Shining Eagle.

"OH, I just love Kung Fu and everyone who practices it!" she gushed, "Tell me all about it." The last part was aimed at Shining Eagle as she leaned closer to her.

"My father here used to run a very prestigious Aerial Kung Fu Acadamy. But he retired since he's a single parent now and cares so much about my well being."

...

When Po got back to their table, Shining Eagle was there all by herself.

"How did it go?"

"Great," she replied, "If _I were trying to get a date_."

"What? They didn't hit if off?"

"No, she completely ignored Father. He went back to the inn as soon as he was done. She talked endlessly about Kung Fu with me for at least an hour. Then she left when she realized she had another date... with a girl! After hitting on me!"

Po blinked. "I'm so sorry," he said at last, "I didn't know..."

"Sorry for... this shameful outburst."

"Don't worry," he replied, "I'm sure hardly anyone noticed. I promise I'll look into the next candidate a lot more carefully."

"You shouldn't bother."

"Oh, I'm sure Fenghuang won't let me off the hook that easily. I know her a little to well to expect anything different."

"I'm still just a burden to you, aren't I?" she sniffed.

"No!" said Po firmly as he hugged Shining Eagle, "Don't talk like that! I love to help my friends! I would do anything to help you! _You'll never be a burden to me!_"

"Thank you," she choked, "You're just so... _incredible!_"

'_Darn it!_' thought Fenghuang as she spied on them from over the Noodle Shop roof, '_This scheme just might well totally backfire! Did I just make a huge strategic blunder?_'


	24. Chapter 24

Po, the Harem Master

Part 24: A House Divided

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

That evening, the owl warriors bid their farewells to fly back home in the comfort of the night sky. They only ask to be appraised about how the duel between Shining Eagle and Fenghuang turned out, regardless of who the winner turned out to be. Po agreed and promised the message as soon as he could send it to the leader of the owls.

...

If she could could get any hotter under the collar, Tigress could have boiled the bathwater she was soaking in. Viper had never seen her so upset. Tigress was so distracted that she wasn't even paying attention to where Viper was scrubbing her with the sponge, above or below the surface of the water. The rose oil and flower petals did nothing to lift her spirits. She had not spoken for quite some time, and that was really beginning to worry Viper.

"I can't live here any more," said Tigress at last.

"What?!" asked Viper in disbelief.

"I said that 'I can't live here any more'. Not with Po as the Master of the Jade Palace."

"Aren't you overreacting just a bit?"

"No, I don't think so."

"THEN I'M LEAVING WITH YOU!"

"You... would give up the Jade Palace? The Furious Five? The life of Kung Fu? Just for me?"

"I LOVE YOU! I'LL SACRIFICE ANYTHING FOR YOU!"

"Don't you love the Dragon Warrior too?"

"I've known you longer! I've loved you longer! That's all that matters to me! You're worth more to me than **my own life!**"

Tigress dragged Viper into a hug, and she responded by wrapping herself about Tigress' torso and her abdomen. The snake rested her head on the tiger's shoulder.

"But we don't have to give up all Kung Fu. Just the ones we practiced here," sobbed Viper.

"What are you getting at?" asked Tigress with tears in her eyes.

"We can found OUR OWN KUNG FU ACADEMY, Tigress! We'll teach OUR OWN Styles!"

"You really think we can?"

"With all my heart and soul, I do!"

"All right, my love!" sobbed Tigress, "We build our Academy far far away from here! Far away from HIM! Far away from my pain!"

"I swear I'll be with you every step of the way!"

"I... couldn't... ask... for... a... truer... love... than..." By then, she couldn't go on one more word. She was just crying too hard. So was Viper. They wept on each other even as they supported each other. Several minutes passed as they sobbed and cried, but it slowly was worked out of their systems.

"I... only... ask... one... favor..." said Viper.

"What... is... it?"

She stopped to gather her thoughts, her breath, and her Chi. Tigress did the same.

"Promise me we won't leave without saying goodbye to Crane, Mantis and Monkey."

"I could never do that," said Tigress very softly, "At least I owe them that much."

Viper gave Tigress a full, heartfelt kiss to her lips. They shared it for several minutes.

...

Po and Fenghuang had gotten around to packing Shifu's personal effects in preparation for his move into the bedroom. The owl had her own ideas how she could improve things for herself and Po's future wives. She spoke at length about adding a new building just to house his wives and raise his children. It wouldn't be as splendid as the Hall of Warriors (which took literally hundreds of years of upgrades, tweaks, and redesigns), but certainly a step above the Student Barracks.

She spoke of her vision of the Master's Bedroom is shades of blue, complimented by gray and purple, and accented with red and gold. Her words were so descriptive, he could actually see the finished room in his mind's eye. She spoke of magnificent silk robes and dresses of the same colors for him, and at the very least, her.

But the scenario was interrupted as Po was digging out the various trinkets Shifu had left behind, like his Master Yao meditation box complete with Master Yao and 4 carriers, his old, worn out and no longer used clothes, his various Chinese Checkers sets he had been gifted with over the years, and... **the Dragon Chalice?! **He couldn't believe that the foxy fox thief Mei Ling would actually hide one of Master Shifu's most prized treasures _in his own closet_.

"Look," he said to Fenghuang, "Mei Ling left her treasure in Shifu's closet. I wonder when she's going to come and get her Chalice?"

"_Her Chalice?_" asked Fenghuang suspiciously.

"Well yeah," he replied, "He promised it to her years ago before she left on a trip to the capital, and he forgot all about her while she was gone."

"_And you believed her?_"

"Sure," he replied, "Why not?"

She sighed and answered, "I guess it doesn't matter anymore. It clashes with the room we're designing anyways. Just pack it by itself so it won't get lost in Shifu's other things."

"Good idea."

"I've been known to have a few."

"Oh, you have a whole lot of good ideas," he replied cheerfully.

She leaned close to him as she cooed, "Flatterer. Maybe we should give the bed a stress test for two people. We might have to replace it, you know. Shifu is so small, I don't even know if the bed even knew he was there most of the time."

"Heh-heh," he said awkwardly, "Maybe that can wait until after the wedding?"

"But Po, _I want to give you an heir to the Jade Palace_. It's good fortune if the heir is _conceived_ before the marriage ceremony. I'm sure that a stuffed shirt like Shifu would never have an an heir, legitimate or otherwise. _I want to show you just how much I love you_." She tried to push Po back towards the bed, but he let his bulk do the resisting for him.

"If we're aren't married by the time I'm sworn in as the Master of the Jade Palace, then we can... *gulp* do the stress test on the bed."

"I'm going to hold you to your word, _darling_."

*gulp* "I wouldn't expect any less, my dear."

Fenghuang smiled as she stared into his eyes. She leaned in and caught him by surprise with her heartfelt beak to lips kiss. Closing her eyes, she realized that she had never been happier in her life as she was in that one moment.

...

Tigress called the Furious Five together to make her announcement. She made sure that the word did not get out to anyone who wasn't a member of the Furious Five. But she also didn't tell the guys what she had called them together to say.

"I want you all to know that I couldn't be more proud of what we've done as the Furious Five," she began calmly, "Every one of you is a valued member of this team. You're dedication to the Jade Palace, the Valley of Peace, and Kung Fu itself are beyond question."

"Thank you, Master Tigress," said Monkey.

"I'm glad you feel that way," said Crane.

"Having said all that," she continued, "I have to say that Viper and I are leaving the Five. We are leaving the Jade Palace. We are leaving the Valley of Peace. Most likely, we are leaving forever. You will have to find suitable replacements for us."

"WHAT?!" asked the three men as one.

"I cannot bear to be here any more. It would be too painful to even try. I can't ask any of you to come with me."

"Do you hate Po that much?" asked Mantis.

She tried to answer, but no words would come out of her mouth.

"What about you, Viper? Why are you leaving?"

"Because I love Tigress, and if she goes to the gates of hell, then I'll go there right at her side."

Tigress stepped forward, and put her hand on Monkey's shoulder. "Monkey," she said, "I trust you to lead the Furious Five and any replacements you get for Viper and I."

Monkey put his fist into his hand and bowed to Tigress as he said, "I am honored by your choice. The Furious Five will always serve to protect the Valley of Peace. I will miss you both dearly, but I shall carry on in your legacy."

"I can not ask any more from you," she replied as she repeated the gesture back to Monkey, "As my final request, I want you to wait one day before telling the Dragon Warrior that we left. If he asks you directly, don't lie to him, but don't volunteer the information either."

"Of course I can do that much."

"We're leaving right after dinner. Viper and I will eat in my room so Po won't realize we're packing our bags. Tell him I don't want to talk to him until he's willing to admit it's ALL his fault. That should keep him from bothering me until we're long gone."

Monkey nodded.

...

Po was depressed as he looked at the places Tigress and Viper would have sat in at the dinner table. He even set out two bowls of noodles for them, just in case they should change their minds. They sat there undisturbed until they were quite cold.

"I'm sure things will look up in the morning," said Monkey as he patted Po on the back, "but you're a total wreck. Just go to your new bed and sleep. I'll take care of the dishes."

"I'm sure I can..." began Fenghuang.

"No!" said Monkey firmly as he looked at her, "He needs time alone."

"But Viper is with Tigress..."

"That's different. They've lived and fought together for years and years. They're practically sisters to each other. I really think she can make Tigress calm down and see reason." He really wished that he could believe his own words. But Po and Fenghuang seemed to believe him.

"But I can..."

"All I'm asking is to let Po have one night alone to meditate, and perhaps he can find a way to assuage Tigress' upset disposition."

"Very well," she sighed, "but _I will be lonely_ tonight. I wish I could be less selfish about you." The later part was said as she looked into Po's eyes.

"Monkey is right about this," he answered, "I'm glad I have his wise council in this matter."

She nodded in defeat. Po would spend the night alone in the Master's bed, while Fenghuang would spend the night alone in her cot. This wasn't unusual, except for that one night. He rushed out to the Student Barracks to see if Tigress had calmed down in the morning. But Tigress and Viper were not at the table with the others. He felt crestfallen as he made noodles and broth for the rest of them.

"I guess Tigress is still upset," said Monkey honestly, "Well, I wouldn't even try to see her before dinner tonight."

Po nodded.

...

Tigress and Viper left just before sunrise. They packed enough rations and water to last them for about the first week. It was hoped by them, they would have established themselves somewhere else. A place where they could make their own way, their own new life together.

She was sure that no one saw them leaving, least of all the Dragon Warrior. As the sunlight lit the place up, she sighed as she watched, figuring it would most likely the last time she would ever see the place. She turned and trudged into the forest as Viper slithered along behind and off to her right.

The two said nothing for the first two hours of their trek. It seemed that the bamboo forest itself was keeping quiet just for them. They headed somewhat north towards a mountain pass where they could avoid things like the territory of Temutai and the Qidan Clan.

But when Viper became so quiet, Tigress couldn't even hear hear slithering across the open ground any more, she turned and came face to face with Tai Lung. He was holding a limp and unconscious Viper by the neck in his right hand balled into a fist around it. The rest of her body was looped a few times around his forearm and bicep.

"_Hello bait_," he said as he jabbed his finger into her chest almost too fast for her eyes to follow several times. The net effect of his pressure point strikes was to leave her totally paralyzed. She couldn't even close her eyes as she fell onto her back. Reaching down, he took a second to close her eyes. No point in having them burned out from the sun or being dried out. She had to be able to see what to was come later on, he thought darkly.

First he laid Viper down, and tied her body into a complex knot he was sure she couldn't wiggle out of even if she was fully awake and aware. It only took a strategically tied piece of red silk ribbon to make sure the body knot was inescapable. The last bit of ribbon was used to tightly bind Viper's nose and snout. Her mouth was sealed shut, but not her nose holes. The ribbon made her look gift wrapped, and then he just dropped her into a sack he tied to his sash.

He wrapped the paralyzed tiger with long ropes, then in a blanket he secured with more ropes, and then hefted her Tigress like she a log and tossed her over his shoulder. It wasn't to make sure she wouldn't escape, but just to make sure that if anyone saw him from a distance, they wouldn't think anything strange was going on.

"_Master Shifu will be most pleased_," he snarled as he set off to where they were temporarily camped. A camp they changed every night to elude the pursuit which so far had not materialized.

They couldn't tell how long or far Tai Lung carried them before they heard a voice say in the distance, "Where have you been? Breakfast is now cold. We have to pack up and go right away." It was the displeased voice of Master Shifu.

"Oh, not before I bestow these gifts upon you," he replied.

"Gifts?!" he asked, "What ever are you talking about?!"

He dropped his burdens to the ground. Tigress and Viper couldn't object or complain even if they were inclined to do so.

"Go ahead and look," he said, "It won't take long."

He started with the wrapped log-like present.

"MASTER TIGRESS?!" he asked in dismay. But Tai Lung took his dismay for excitement.

He opened the sack.

"MASTER VIPER?!"

Tigress was obviously paralyzed, but Viper was helplessly squirming once she was on the ground. He immediately began reversing the paralysis that Tai Lung inflicted upon Tigress.

"Master?"

"Haven't you learned ANYTHING from me?!" he asked with irritation, "You can't just leave someone paralyzed for days, or even hours. _The complications of paralysis could well kill them_."

"She wasn't paralyzed _all that long_, Master," he said apologetically, "but she's crafty and I wanted to make sure she couldn't get away."

"Then I shall overlook this transgression just this once. Try not to let it happen again," he said as Tigress seemed to come to and start moving against her bonds, "Why did you even bother to take them as captives like this?" Her eyes snapped open as she stared into Shifu's eyes. Just as she was about to speak, Tai Lung stuffed a rag in her mouth and tied it off behind her head. Now her voice was stilled as much as she was rendered immobile.

"So the Dragon Warrior will be forced to fight me on our terms, at the time of out determination, and the place of our choosing."

"I see," he said, "but remember this, they are prisoners of war against the false Dragon Warrior. There will be no dishonorable actions taken against either of them. We will make every effort to make sure that they are _well taken care of until the false Dragon Warrior is defeated_. Do I make myself clear?!"

"Crystal clear, my Master."

Viper then remembered the last warning that Grand Master Oogway had given her in her near infinite wisdom and insight, '_Just don't try to play one love against another, because it never works out in the end_'. Because of her selfishness, she and Tigress both would pay the price for her crimes against both Tigress' heart, and Po's innocence. She began crying her heart out, although neither Shifu nor Tai Lung paid her any mind. With her betrayal of their trust, she feared that neither of them would ever love her again. She wasn't even sure if Tigress suspected what was really tormenting her soul. At that moment, _she just wanted to die_.

...

Monkey approached Po and said to him privately (not that Fenghuang would miss the chance to listen in on them) and said, "I managed to speak to Tigress for a moment. She refuses to even speak to you until you're willing to admit it's ALL your fault."

"Then I'll go and admit it was ALL MY FAULT RIGHT NOW."

"It's still too early," he replied, "Viper needs more time to calm her down."

"Are you absolutely positive?"

"That's right."

Fenghuang spent most of the day trying to comfort Po, but she just couldn't seem to drag him out from his pit of despair. She was desperate enough to enlist the aid of Shining Eagle and Scorpion towards the end of the day. But he really hit bottom at dinner when Monkey came in and finally said, "Tigress and Viper aren't in their rooms. I don't know where they are. They aren't anywhere on the Jade Palace grounds."

Po stopped dead in his tracks, as if his life and his heart just stopped. Shining Eagle stepped up and wing-slapped Po hard with each wing, one after another, into both sides of his face.

"STOP IT!" cried Scorpion as she whipped out a vial of green poison, "STOP RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR I'LL!.."

"Do nothing," said Po firmly.

"WHAT?!" she cried in distress bordering on panic.

"_I deserved that_," he said softly, "I had that coming."

"Slapping the face brings one's mind to focus," said Shining Eagle.

"She's right," he added, "and I really needed to focus on my duties of the Jade Palace."

"WHAT ABOUT TIGRESS AND VIPER?!" screamed Scorpion.

"I can't abandon my duties to go after them."

"THEY MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE!"

"Are you saying that two Kung Fu Masters can't take care of themselves?" asked Monkey, "I'm sure that Tigress would be deeply insulted by that implication."

"THEY AREN'T INVINCIBLE PILLARS OF IRON, YOU KNOW!"

Po picked up Scorpion and hugged her to his breast as he sighed, "I know you really care about both of them, but there's no point in worrying yourself sick about it. Some way or another, I'll find someone who can track down Tigress and Viper, and tell them how wrong I was. Maybe by then, they'll be ready to come back to the Jade Palace even if neither of them wants to speak to me ever again. _I just wouldn't mind as long as I knew they were safe_."

Fenghuang felt sick at heart.


	25. Chapter 25

Po, the Harem Master

Part 25: Reunions and Revelations

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

The foxy thief Mei Ling knew that once she robbed the Relic Vault of the Jade Palace, she had to just vanish for a long time. There was almost no where in the Valley of Peace where she could hide from the Furious Five and the Dragon Warrior. She figured a trip to the north until the verge of winter would be long enough for the heat to cool off. Once her new treasures were hidden, she could use the threat of selling them on the Black Market to force Master Shifu to at least acknowledge her again.

Once she was miles away from the Jade Palace, she found a private little spot in a group of bamboo trees. She opened her bag of stolen goods to make sure she had stolen everything she wanted. It seemed prudent to leave the Dragon Chalice behind because it was better hidden in the clutter of Shifu's closet. She didn't take many things, because she knew she had to travel fast and light once she was out of the Village.

The first was the _Claws of the Dragon_. There was two of them, each was three rings forged as one line of rings, and from these came the four 'claws'. They were made from pure silver with an iron core, and it was said that they could shred ghosts as well as Chi effects like the Thundering Wind Hammer and the Golden Lotus Clap. Another use was it made it easier to climb any surface that the claws could scratch. Something very useful to a thief.

The second was the _Jade Fan of the Four Wind Gods_. It was a truly beautiful fan made from the finest of jade, and in spite of its apparently fragile structure, was said to be all but indestructible. A breeze could be whipped up with a gesture, a gale with but a few more, and a hurricane of rage if waved for but a moment longer.

The third was the _Cloak of Shadows_. A black silk cloak which supposedly had the power to make its wearer disappear into the least little shadow, and appear again from a distant shadow. The cloak was so powerful, it could be used to cover the user and create its own shadow. It was said that the soul of a trapped demon from the pits of the blackest hell made the fearsome cloak work, and one's soul would become corrupt with darkness if the cloak is worn long enough.

Then there was the _Rope of the Cobra_. A one hundred foot long white silk rope with the amazing ability to move as if it were alive. It had the ability to knot itself, and untie itself, as commanded by the rope's owner. An ideal tool for kidnappers and assassins, as it easily immobilized the unaware and could strangle the life from the unprepared. In the hands of someone clever, its uses were almost without any limits.

From the safe itself, she had taken the _Zhou Deng Soul Gem_. A dangerous glowing stone that allowed one to switch their mind and soul with another, even if they were not consenting to the switch. A change that could only be undone by the gem itself (or another of its kind). Difficult to master, but it had massive potential in the right hands. Unfortunately, the switch left the person without access to the memories of the victim, which limited its ability to impersonate the person in the presence of those who knew the victim well.

But as she tied the bag's string once more, it just vanished from her hand. It would take someone with incredible speed to steal from a thief like her. They would suffer her displeasure for sure.

"Well," said a familiar voice, "I should thank you for bringing me some of my... _personal effects_... from the Jade Palace for me."

She turned to see a very large leopard handing her bag of stolen goods to... Master Shifu?! It was he who had spoken to her with such familiarity.

"I'm surprised you even remember me," she said with a trace of bitterness in her voice.

"How could I ever forget you?" he replied, "I was in love with you even though every shred of honor I had told me it was a very bad idea."

"I could have made you rich beyond your wildest dreams!" she said, "We could have been the best thieves in all of the land if we just pooled our skills and resources!"

"And that's what you could never understand about me," he replied, "I could never become a criminal. Grand Master Oogway taught me much better than that. The only thing I live for is the purity and honor of Kung Fu. I cannot live for material wealth if that means a life without honor."

"So what are you planning to do with me now?"

He glanced at Tai Lung as if reading his mind, and said, "No, we can't just kill her out of hand."

She glanced at Tai Lung as said, "Who's the hired thug?"

Tai Lung snarled at her in a completely feral sort of way.

"I hope he's at least potty trained."

Shifu cleared his throat, and said, "This is my student, Tai Lung. He was away in prison when we were together last time."

"What for?"

"Mass homicide, destruction of private property, and jaywalking."

"Sounds like my kinda guy."

"Well this guy is mine," he replied, "His loyalty is mine. The rampage he was sent away for was all about a misunderstanding about the role of the Dragon Warrior we had with Grand Master Oogway."

When she turned to flee, she saw that Tai Lung had appeared to block her way. With speed she had never seen before, he attacked the pressure points of her arms and legs with one finger. He knees gave out as she fell, and then collapsed onto her back.

"Ah, you avoided paralyzing the vital organs this time," said Shifu, "You can leave her like this as long as you want and not worry about the deadly complications."

He bowed to his Master.

"How dare you do this to me!" snarled Mei Ling.

"Master," asked Tai Lung, "May I?"

Shifu nodded. He stopped her protests with a rag in her mouth tied behind her head.

"Take her and store her with the other prisoners," said Shifu evenly, "I'm sure these treasures from the Vault so thoughtfully delivered by Mei Ling will be enough to completely destroy the false Dragon Warrior. Soon, you will be the rightful one to read the Dragon Scroll."

"I shall make you proud of me, Master."

Shifu began to examine the stolen goods as Tai Lung carried her a couple hundred yards to a cave. Once inside, her eyes adjust to the dark, and she saw the Tigress and Viper were also the prisoners of Shifu and Tai Lung. Once inside, she could almost swear there was an evil glint in his eye and a sneer on his lips as he stripped her of her robes, and hogtied her from shoulders to ankles. Her arms and hands were twisted painfully behind her back even though she couldn't move them.

"Don't think I'm doing this because you're hot and sexy," snarled Tai Lung, "I just know a lowly thief like you would surely have hidden tools and weapons in your clothing. Of course, I could check for hidden weapons and the like underneath that loincloth of yours." He leaned over her and reached for her loins.

"Tai Lung!" snapped Shifu, "I said there will be no dishonorable treatment of our prisoners. If I was not perfectly clear, _Mei Ling is our prisoner_."

"I was only going to search for _hidden weapons and tools_, Master," he replied, "I swear this upon my honor as a Kung Fu Warrior. _There was no dishonorable intents of any kind_."

"Since I know her well, I shall search her," said Shifu with authority, "Step outside for a few minutes. This is not an _order_, but a _simple request_ from your Master."

He nodded as he stepped out into the light.

"I'm really sorry about this," said Master Shifu as he stepped up and knelt down next to her. If he was aware that Tigress and Viper could clearly see what he was doing, he didn't seemed to care. He searched her ears and nose, but she closed her eyes and really blushed when he searched a couple other more personal hideyholes on her body. Tigress and Viper were blushing almost as badly.

He used a little water from a canteen to wash his hands, and then stepped out to apparently speak to Tai Lung. Mei Ling glanced at Tigress and Viper, and she pleaded with her eyes for someone to do almost anything to get them out. Tigress and Viper looked back helplessly.

...

Po looked up at the Dragon Statue that clutched the Dragon Scroll in its teeth. He knew it was time. Looking back, he could see his friends supporting him: Master Crane, Master Mantis, Master Monkey, Master Fenghuang, Shining Eagle, Quiong Qu (better known as Scorpion, the Master of Poison), and Mei Ling (the leopard and former minion of Junjie).

"Now how would Grand Master Oogway have gotten that scroll down from there?" he mused aloud.

Monkey stepped forward and offered Po the staff once used by Oogway. He bowed, and then turned back to face the Dragon carving over his head. The end began to glow brightly with golden Chi. As if by command, the Dragon's eyes glowed just the same, and its jaws opened to drop the scroll. He used the tip of the staff to catch the scroll just before it hit the pool underneath. It just needed a flip of the staff to bring it to his hand.

He admired the red shiny case inscribed with gold, and the jade end caps also engraved in gold. There was a grand and glorious dragon wrapped about the case to tell the world what treasure was contained within.

"I'm not sure I'm ready yet," he said nervously.

"You're as ready as you're ever going to be," said Monkey, "Just read it. The right to do so is now yours beyond question."

The others nodded in a agreement. He unscrewed the end cap and dropped the scroll itself into his other open hand. The panda was sweating as he set the case down by his foot, and then began to slowly unroll the scroll. As the scroll opened, his eyes widened and widened. His mouth just dropped further and further.

"I can't believe it!" he said at last.

"No!" said Monkey, "You can't tell us any of the Dragon Warrior's secrets!"

He turned the scroll to the others, who all averted their gazes until Po shouted, "I can't! THIS SCROLL IS BLANK!"

"WHAT?!" they all shouted as one and looked for themselves. All they could see was a shiny, copper like coating to the scroll that they could somewhat see their reflections in. There was no writing. There was no pictures. There was NOTHING THERE AT ALL.

"WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE IS THIS?!" screeched Crane.

"Maybe the scroll is so old, the ink just wore off?" suggested Monkey.

"There would be some signs of smudges or smears," answered Fenghuang.

"Maybe there's some Ceremony that has to be performed before the text will appear?" suggested the leopard Mei Ling.

"Does anyone have even the remotest clue what that Ceremony might be?!" asked Po.

Everyone just shook their heads 'no'.

"_I just know that Master Shifu must know what it is! He just has to!_" hooted Fenghuang, "_Drag his sorry butt back here and MAKE HIM TELL US!_"

"Then I have no choice any more," said Po, "Please step up, Master Crane, Master Mantis and Master Monkey of the Furious Five."

They stepped up.

"I am charging you with the task of the apprehension of Master Shifu and Tai Lung. Take them as your prisoners and return them to the Jade Palace. I ask that you leave in the morning."

The three bowed to him, but Mei Ling blurt out, "You are NOT getting rid of me that easily, Master Crane! _I'm coming with you!_"

"It could be dangerous," said Crane firmly, "I won't let you come!"

"No," said Po firmly, "Having her with you is a _good idea_. She can look for Tigress and Viper while the rest of you search for Master Shifu and Tai Lung." He looked to Mei Ling and added, "Just don't stray too far away from the Furious Five. Your safety is their concern. If a battle with Shifu and Tai Lung erupts, _I beg you to stay out of it_. While I have no doubt of your Kung Fu skills, I couldn't forgive myself if either of them hurt you. They are now both totally ruthless, and I don't doubt for one moments that they will _try to kill all of you_ rather than turn themselves in."

"Don't worry, Mei Ling," swore Crane, "_I'll protect you with my life_."

She smiled at him softly and said, "Don't mistake me for just another _damsel in distress_. Then I would feel compelled to prove you all wrong. Don't be surprised if I'm the one who pulls your feathers out of the fire."

Crane put his wings around her and hugged her tight. "I'm sorry if I ever implied that."

"Oh, it's all good," she said with a broader grin, and then gave him a lip to beak kiss. The others found other things 'more interesting' to look at as the two shared their passionate kiss.


	26. Chapter 26

Po, the Harem Master

Part 26: Damsels in Distress?

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Masters Crane, Mantis, Monkey, and the leopard known as Mei Ling set out in search of two groups they would rather have liked to remain separate. The first was Master Shifu and Tai Lung, and the second was Masters Tigress and Viper. While they were fairly sure that the former group would well exploit the various caves in the area, only a vague hand full of eyewitnesses told them that Tigress and Viper were headed the same way as well.

Crane scouted ahead from the air as the others made progress through the bamboo forest on foot. Even without the eyes of an owl, hawk, or eagle, they were better than the eyes stuck on the ground. They followed the road north on the last known sitings of Tigress and Viper. Crane flew closer to the mountain, as he could see caves better from there.

The day progressed until nearly noon when Crane flew back to report, "I've spotted Tigress and Viper camping in a shallow cave just off the road. It looks like they're having tea together."

"Alright," said Monkey, "Let's see if we can talk some sense into those two."

"Lead the way, Crane," called Mei Ling.

As they approached the cave, Tigress and Viper came out. Tigress was wearing a rather large if not bulky backpack. She did not look like she was very happy to see them.

"What do you want?!" called Viper, "Did that idiot Po send you?!"

"Sort of," said Monkey, "He mainly sent us to hunt down Master Shifu and Tai Lung."

"What do you need them for?"

"Because the Dragon Scroll is BLANK!" he called, "And we think Master Shifu may well be the only person left who would know what Ceremony or Ritual is needed to make the text appear."

"Really?" she asked, "Well I don't think Tigress wants to speak right now. She's still very upset. But if you don't mind, I think we can help you find those two before Tigress has calmed down enough."

Tigress turned and gave them a stern gaze as the people on the ground approached them.

"That's funny," he replied, "You told us before you were both leaving the Valley of Peace with Tigress forever."

"NOW TAI LUNG!" shouted Viper... in the voice of Master Shifu?!

Tigress lashed out at the arms and legs of both Monkey and Mei Ling, leaving all of their limbs paralyzed as the fell face first into the ground. Viper headbutted Mantis out of the air, and right into a bamboo tree which splintered under the force of the blow.

"LET ME KILL THEM THIS TIME!" shouted Tigress... in the voice of Tai Lung?!

"A THOUSAND TIMES NO!" shouted Viper/Shifu. Then she turned to Crane as she called out, "YOU MUST DELIVER THIS MESSAGE TO PO! IF HE WANTS THE SECRET OF THE DRAGON SCROLL SO BAD, HE BETTER COME TO THE TEMPLE OF THE STRIKING COBRA BY TOMORROW MORNING, ALONE, OR ELSE I WILL LET TAI LUNG KILL THEM! WE HAVE MEI LING, THIS LEOPARD, MANTIS, TIGRESS, AND VIPER! IF HE IS A COWARD AND DOES NOT SHOW, LET HIM KNOW THEIR DEATHS WILL BE ON HIS HEAD!"

"Are you serious about that, Master?" asked Tigress/Tai Lung.

"Yes," replied Viper/Shifu as she watched Crane wing his way back to the Jade Palace, "I am. We need to have defenses set up in case Fenghuang tries to disobey Po and follow him. I have a few ideas about what sort of traps we can set in case anyone else tries to follow Po, like that disgusting Scorpion." She turned back to say, "Now bind, gag and search the prisoners. Toss them in with the... WAIT! WHERE DID MASTER MANTIS GO?!"

Master Mantis was no where to be seen.

"That blow had to have injured him badly! He couldn't have gotten far away! Secure those prisoners while I look for him! Remember, NO DISRESPECTFUL behavior towards any of them!"

"Say?!" Tigress/Tai Lung asked, "How long am I supposed to be stuck in this tiger babe's body?!"

"Until I return!"

"He's no fun at all," he grumbled quietly.

"Crane," sobbed Mei Ling.

"Don't count on stick legs to save you, babe," came the reply as he gagged her, searched her body (as an excuse to feel her up), and then bound her in about as an uncomfortable position as he could.

"Coward!" called Monkey, "Why don't you fight me honor-*GAG!*" He was likewise searched and bound painfully, but at least without getting bodily searched first.

He took the prisoners back to the cave, and tossed them with their real bodies, and the foxy Mei Ling. Shifu had hit them with a delayed set of nerve point hits so that they would be fully paralyzed by the time he had used the Zhou Deng Soul Gem to trade places with Tigress and Viper. He fully thought that someone would have been sent to hunt for them once they were caught on whatever mission they happened to be sent on. Of course, the two of them had to be temporarily paralyzed so that they could be unbound, and the switch could take place. It was child's play to bind, blindfold and gag their real bodies until they could return.

When he looked down upon himself, he looked around to make sure that there was no signs of Viper/Shifu. Then in the body of Master Tigress, he reached down and lifted the blindfold from his real body. The gaze from his own eyes was about as heated and angry as he had ever seen even in a mirror.

"Wow, I must be scarier then even I thought. But don't worry, tiger babe, I'm going to use your body to give me a treat I've had coming for a long time. Too bad I just can't be in both bodies at once, now can I?" Tigress/Tai Lung reached down as he made a few jabs at the pressure points of his own real body's crotch, and then began to undo Tai Lung/Tigress' trousers. "There, now you can feel everything that I'm going to do to me... or is that you? It's really confusing, don't you think?" And what Viper/Master Shifu didn't know wouldn't hurt her/him in the least.

Tigress/Tai Lung was simply Furious. Even though Master Shifu/Viper and Mei Ling were both quite blindfolded, they could still hear. She made a point no to be quiet about her real body, after all.

...

Crane flew as fast as he could back to the Jade Palace. Approaching Shining Eagle as he landed, he squawked loudly, "THEY HAVE MEI LING! THEY HAVE MEI LING!"

"Calm down and tell me exactly what happened," said Shining Eagle.

"There's NO TIME!" he called back, "Where's Po?!"

"Fenghuang and him are packing Shifu's stuff from his old room."

"I HAVE TO SEE THEM AT ONCE! IT'S VITAL TO MEI LING'S SAFETY!"

He flew into the open doors of the Hall of Warriors. Approaching Master Shifu's old room as he landed, he squawked loudly, "THEY HAVE MEI LING! THEY HAVE MEI LING!"

Po and Fenghuang rushed out as Crane panicked.

Fenghuang raised her wings and said, "If you don't control yourself RIGHT NOW, I'm going to wing-slap you STUPID!"

"Master Crane," interrupted Po, "Just tell me what happened."

"Mei Ling, Monkey and Mantis were all captured by Tigress and Viper! But it wasn't Tigress and Viper at all. It was really..."

"He's lost his fragile bird brain," said Fenghuang evenly.

"MASTER SHIFU AND TAI LUNG!"

"Yep, he's lost it."

"They said I must tell you, 'You must deliver this message to po! If he wants the secret of the dragon scroll so bad, he better come to the temple of the Striking Cobra by tomorrow morning, alone, or else I will let Tai Lung kill them! We have Mei Ling, this leopard, Mantis, Tigress, and Viper! If he is a coward and does not show, let him know their deaths will be on his head!' That was the whole message."

"They must have used the Zhou Deng Soul Gem from Mei Ling!"

"Mei Ling never had the Zhou Deng Soul Gem."

"I mean the OTHER Mei Ling!"

"This is about the most obvioius trap I've ever seen!" hooted Fenghuang, "If they've been body switching, than any one of them could be Shifu or Tai Lung! It would be almost too easy for either of them to ambush you!"

"I know that," said Po, "but I have no choice in the matter! If they see a sign of either of you, I'm sure Tai Lung won't hesitate to kill all the captives this time!"

"CRANE!" said the owl, "Go outside and find Shining Eagle! I need a moment alone with Po!"

"Of course," said Crane as he left.

"What's so important that..."

"Open your mouth, close your eyes and you will get a big surprise," she cooed. As his eyes closed, she lunged ahead to kiss him beak to lips. She counted on his shyness to keep his eyes closed, or he might have seen the golden glow of Chi that surrounded them and bound their fates together as one. It was her last trick to fulfill the destiny that Grand Master Oogway had cast for them.

"Go get them, my love," she cooed as the aura faded, and he opened his eyes, "You must leave as soon as you can if you want to make it to the Striking Cobra Temple in time. They must be counting on you being exhausted by the time you get there."

"Ha-durr!" he stammered.

'_So elegant_,' she thought, '_Now to speak to Shining Eagle_.' She left him gibbering as she went out after Master Crane.

She approached Crane and Shining Eagle as Po ran out of the Hall of Warriors wearing a bamboo 'wok shaped' hat and a long black cloak. This time, he was talking a staff of great quality from the armory that the owl could not recognize. It was striking because of the blood red color of the wood it was made from. Pausing until she was sure he was going down the Jade Palace stairs, she turned to them.

"I don't care what darling says," hooted the owl, "WE HAVE TO FOLLOW HIM, and I can't do it without YOU TWO!"

"You heard what Po said!" replied Shining Eagle, "We are honor bound to..."

"DO NOTHING!" she snapped, "He is not actually the Master of the Jade Palace yet, so he can't really tell ANY of US what we can and cannot do!"

"But what can we do? If we are seen..."

"I'm an OWL! My night vision and hearing are peerless! My flight is soundless! You're an EAGLE! When we fly high enough, you can see them plainly from 3 MILES AWAY! No matter whose body they're in, they cannot possibly see us that far away!"

"What about me?!" asked Crane.

"I doubt they're so stupid as to have the prisoners right there with them. It's up to you to find them and make sure that they're alright!"

"I CAN DO THAT!"

"For Mei Ling's sake, I hope so."

"You mean the leopard and not the fox, right?!"

"OH WHAT'S IN A NAME?!" snapped Fenghuang.

"To me," he said quietly, "everything."

…

Po had to hurry more than he ever had in his life to make the Striking Cobra Temple before the deadline. He had to travel all day, all night and well into the next day without any rest at all. It was only his fears about what was happening to the prisoners of Shifu and Tai Lung that kept him going. By the time he made it to the Temple, the staff was about the only thing keeping him standing.

He could see stone arches ringed around the whole Temple, and it seemed like each of his friends was now strung under an arch like a puppet. They were also quite gagged. Looking around, he could not see Tai Lung or Master Shifu. But that fear was alleviated when he saw Shifu coming towards him.

"You almost didn't make it, Dragon Warrior fraud," he said.

"Where's your little student flunkey hiding?!" asked Po.

"Oh, I think you have other issues," he replied, "All of them have been completely paralyzed in a random order. Who know just who is going to die of complications first."

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR OWN DISCIPLES?!"

"HOW COULD OOGWAY NOT SEE THAT TAI LUNG IS THE ONLY TRUE DRAGON WARRIOR?!"

"I have the Dragon Warrior Scroll right here with me. For the scroll, I'll trade you ALL of your prisoners," he said.

"Then you came all this way FOR NOTHING!" snarled Shifu, "There IS NO CEREMONY OR RITUAL to reveal ANYTHING about the Dragon Scroll!"

Po gasp. Then it was really true that the scroll was intentionally blank!

"The sands of time stop for no one, Panda," he mused.

He rushed over to Tigress, but when she lifted her legs by surprise, she lashed out at every pressure point in his chest.

"Really, Tai Lung?" he asked as the strikes didn't affect him, "Using Tigress against me? Is that really the best you could do?"

"How could that not have worked?" asked Shifu in dismay.

He patted his stomach, and said "I'm what you call padded."

Shifu threw a knife that cut Tai Lung/Tigress loose. As she hit her feet, the Cloak of Shadows fell on top of her, and they both vanished without a trace.

"Cloak of Shadows, huh?" he asked, "Totally awesome. So where do you really have Tai Lung's body and Tigress' soul?"

"I'LL NEVER TELL, FRAUD!"

Tai Lung/Tigress leaped at him from the shadow of an arch, aiming both Dragon Claws at his open back, but Po simply blocked them with the red staff. Rebounding off the staff, Tai Lung/Tigress vanished back into the shadows.

"How did you know?! How did you do that?!" asked Shifu.

"That's easy," he replied, "Why bother to bind someone who totally paralyzed, plus gag them, but leave the ropes on Tigress' legs hanging loose?"

"_Wait, I should know that staff_!"

"Oh, are you talking about the Legendary POWER POLE OF SUN WUKONG?!"

"It grants its wielder a SIXTH SENSE against surprise attacks!"

"Among other things," he said, "Like the little trick I like to call POWER POLE EXTEND!" The staff grew one hundred feet tall, taking Po up with it as Tai Lung slashed where Po was in vain. Then he allowed the staff to fall forward and take him to the top of a cliff looking down on the Striking Cobra Temple. Then the staff shrank back to 6' long in his hands.

"There's no shadows up here to use against me!" he called as he looked around for Tigress/Tai Lung's body. He saw her, that is to say him, bound tightly in an entrance to a shallow cave nearby.

"But I have plenty of things to use against YOU!"

"Not for long!" he called as he whipped a silvery dagger from his sleeve, "I call upon the SWARM OF FLYING KNIVES!" He threw the blade as it became two blades, then four blades, eight blades, 16 blades, 32 blades, and finally 64 blades. Not only did the blades manage to hit every pressure point needed to end the paralysis of Shifu's victims, but they also cut them all down at the same time. The blades recombined into one as they returned to the hand that threw them.

"Clever fraud!" said Shifu, "Very clever in deed! See if you can get down here in time to stop me from killing Master Viper!"

"POWER POLE EXTEND!" he shouted as the pole embedded itself at the bottom of the cliff, and then slid down it.

But Viper lunged at Shifu first. The two met in mid leap. She wrapped herself about his arm and neck as she made him quickly punch himself in his own face. He tried in vain to pull Viper off him, but only staggered back as his own blows stunned him.

"I'm safe!" she called to Po, "But the only way to save Tigress is to kill Tai Lung!"

By the time she said that, he had already made it to the original body of Tai Lung. He drew the Swarm of Flying Blades Knife, but paused as he said, "The real Master Viper would never say something like that! Shifu switched bodies with her!" But by the time he said that, Shifu/Viper had already used her own body to bind his wrists, immobilizing both the Power Pole of Sun Wukong and the Swarm of Flying Blades Knife.

"I'M SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING, MASTER PO!" shouted Shifu/Viper as he grabbed the snake by the head and allowed them both to fall upon the Swarm of Flying Blades Knife. It pierced the snake's throat as it also pierced the heart of Master Shifu.

"NO!" screamed Tai Lung/Tigress.

"NO!" screamed Po.

Shifu/Viper's body fell back to the ground as blood poured from their deadly wounds.

"I love you, Po! Tell Tigress I love her more than anything!" said Viper/Shifu as he coughed a gout of blood, and then simply passed out.

It seemed pointless, but Po took the Zhou Deng Soul Gem and used it to put Viper and Shifu back into their nearly dead bodies. He dropped the staff and the knife to hold Viper's body.

"DIE YOU SON OF A!.." cried Tai Lung/Tigress as she lunged at Po's back using the Dragon Claws now seething with Chi energy. A huge flash of light appeared between them, and Fenghuang took both of the claws in the chest for Po. Her chest gushed blood as she bounced across the stone Temple grounds and slammed into an arch.

"NOT YOU TOO!" he cried.

"FOR THE GLORY OF MASTER SHIFU!" called Tai Lung/Tigress, "I DIE NOW!" Tai Lung/Tigress plunged the Dragon Claws into both the chests of Tai Lung/Tigress, and Tigress/Tai Lung, destroying both of their hearts at the same time. Tigress' body collapsed on top of Tai Lung's.

"NO!" screamed Po, "NO! NOT LIKE THIS!"

He looked to see Shining Eagle and Master Crane flying in.

"What the hell did Fenghuang do?!" asked Crane.

Po was so filled with his rage and pain that he shook the Dragon Scroll at the Heavens and screamed, "I WISH I WAS NEVER THE DRAGON WARRIOR!" The scroll exploded as everyone and everything was engulfed in a burst of pure golden Chi energy.

[to be concluded]


	27. Chapter 27

Po, the Harem Master

Part 27: Dream a Little Dream of Me

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po awoke with a start. He was in his cot at the Noodle Shop of Mister Ping. Picking up his limited edition Tigress action figure, he clutched it to his chest. She was his favorite.

"Good morning, Po," said Mister Ping, "You're up early. Is everything alright?"

"Just a bad dream, Dad," he replied.

"Bad dream?"

"Yeah," he replied, "Bet you think it's funny, too. I became the legendary Dragon Warrior, fell in love with many women, and then had to watch almost all of them die before my very eyes."

"My, that certainly is a nightmare!"

"I'll be down to help fix the first batch of Noodles in just a minute."

"No hurry, son," he replied, "but there is someone here to see you."

"See me?" he asked back, "Who?"

"Some bigshot in a shell."

"Bigshot? Shell?" he asked in surprise. Po raced down stairs, and almost ran right into... "Grand Master Oogway?!" Coiled about his neck was a certain snake. "Master Viper?!"

"Greeting Po," said Oogway, "One who was once known as the Dragon Warrior."

"Funny thing, that..." he began, "Wait, how could you know about my nightmare?!"

"Because it wasn't a nightmare," came the reply, "You used the full power of the Dragon Scroll and the Dragon Warrior to alter the destinies of the ones you loved. By giving up your dreams, you saved them from the jaws of death. I should know. The Universe told me so."

"You're really wise for an old guy," he mused.

"Old woman," said Viper.

"You aren't that old," said Po.

"No, I mean Grand Master Oogway is the old woman."

"Say what now?"

"That's right," she replied, "I'm a woman. Master Viper convinced me it was time to let everyone know my little secret. It's supposed to encourage women across the land to become Kung Fu Masters in their own right."

"And I love you, Master," replied Viper as she kissed her on the cheek fondly.

"Don't waste your love on me," replied Oogway, "I shall be one with the Universe soon, and you'll need to find another to love once I'm gone."

"My love is never wasted on you. When the time comes, I'm sure I'll find another to love... I do really like Master Tigress..."

Master Oogway just smiles and warned her, "Just remember this: Never play your loves against each other. It never turns out well in the end."

"I could've sworn I heard that somewhere before," said Po.

"But that's not why I'm here, Po," said Oogway, "I'm here about you."

"Me? What would one of the greatest Kung Fu Masters of all time want with me?"

"I want to personally train you in Kung Fu. I want to get you admitted to the Jade Palace."

"REALLY?!"

"Does this look like my jokey face to you?"

"Uh... no?"

"Very well, do you accept my offer?"

"Hey! I can't afford to lose my only son!" objected Mister Ping.

"The Jade Palace will cover the costs of replacing him. I'm sure a second chef, a busboy, and a waitress will be sufficient to replace Po."

"But it's my dream for him to run my shop after I'm gone," objected the gander.

"Perhaps after he learns Kung Fu, he might just come back. Just because he's going to be training doesn't mean he's going to forget about you."

"All right," he muttered, "I don't think I'll ever understand all this Kung Fu stuff, but if it will make him happy, I guess I can't object."

"Now let's go outside," said the tortoise softly, "I have some people I want you to meet."

Po stepped out into the Noodle Shop serving area to see "Master Shifu?! Master Tigress?! Master Monkey?! Master Crane?! Master Mantis?!"

"Master?" asked Shifu, "Who is this panda, and why is he yelling the OBVIOUS at us?"

Master Viper slipped from Oogway's neck, raced over to coil about Tigress' neck and shoulders, and then gave her a kiss on the lips. Everyone else (besides Tigress, Po and Oogway) found something else 'more interesting' to look at.

"This is the one I'm going to train to be admitted to the Jade Palace. He has huge potential in Kung Fu. The Universe has told me so."

"I don't see any potential here, Master Oogway," said Shifu sternly, "but I defer to your wisdom as the Grand Master of the Jade Palace."

"That's real funny," said Master Monkey, "but I can't shake the feeling I already know this panda from somewhere... I guess I must have seen him somewhere around the Village."

But Master Oogway put an arm around Po's shoulders and said quietly, "The ones you loved will come to love you all over again if you're just willing to give them the chance." Po was looking quietly at Viper as she continued to kiss Tigress on the lips, and the blush in Tigress' cheeks said just what she was thinking about that kiss. But then Viper was blushing a bit as well.

Viper broke off the kiss, and just rubbed her cheek against Tigress'.

"Master Viper," scolded Tigress, "We shouldn't be making such a scene in public."

"I love you as much as I love Oogway," she replied, "And I don't care who knows it."

But Tigress was now glaring at Po as she asked, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!"

"Just two of the most awesome beautiful Kung Fu Masters who surely ever lived," he replied.

His answer completely threw Tigress off her guard.

"Wait," asked Viper, "You think I'm beautiful?!"

"You're one of the Furious Five!" he answered enthusiastically, "Of course you're awesome beautiful!"

Now Tigress and Viper had another reason to blush.

"Now I've taken the liberty of..." began Oogway.

"MASTER CRANE?!" asked a woman's voice from nearby.

"MEI LING?!" asked Crane as he turned to see a female leopard rush up to him, and hug him tightly.

"When I got an invitation from the Master of the Jade Palace to join here, I couldn't wait to tell that jerk Junjie where he could stuff his job, Sacred Onyx Council or no!" said Mei Ling happily, "I couldn't turn down the chance to be with you again... *cough* to learn Kung Fu from the best in the land!"

Po thought that he could see Crane blush almost as much as Mei Ling was.

"Now there's one more who should be here..."

"EEK!" shrieked a woman outside, "A SCORPION!"

"Make a painting! It lasts longer!" shouted a small reddish creature with three pairs of legs, two pair of eyes, one pair of pincers, and a stinger came scurrying into the Noodle Shop. Looking up a Oogway, she asked, "I hope you called me out here for a reason?"

"Yes," she replied, "If you are willing to let this panda here take responsibility for you and live here in this Noodle Shop, I am willing to end your banishment."

"Say what?" asked Po and Mister Ping as one.

Scorpion looked at the panda and asked skeptically, "What's so special about him?"

"He will never judge you by your reputation or your appearance," replied Oogway.

"Really?" she asked in shock, "Are you kidding me?"

"Does this look like my jokey face?" she asked.

"Uh... no?"

"Do you accept my offer then?"

"If that means coming back to the Valley of Peace," said Scorpion, "Sure. I'm sure the panda and I will get along just peachy."

Po smiled because he already knew what Scorpion was really like on the inside.

"But what about our mission..." began Shifu.

"WHEN ARE WE LEAVING?!" asked a shrill voice from outside, "WHERE ARE MY STICKY BUNS?! SOMEONE NEEDS TO BEHEAD THEMSELVES!"

"Oh, Po will help you escort the Princess Mei Li to see Temutai."

"What?" asked Shifu incredulously, "What can this Panda do?! He's not even trained!"

"I want him to see the Furious Five in action before I begin his Kung Fu Training," replied Oogway, "I'm sure you'll see his potential soon enough, Master Shifu."

"I hope you are right," he replied, "but what are we going to do about the Dragon Scroll?! It vanished last night without a trace! How can we even have a Dragon Warrior without it?!"

"Calm yourself, Shifu," said Oogway, "The Universe has decided that we do not need a Dragon Warrior after all. He already lives in the hearts of every honorable practitioner of Kung Fu."

"I hope that you're right about that, Master."

Oogway raised an eyebrow (or whatever she had that passed for one).

"Of course you're right. I don't know what came over me."

"Oh, and leave Master Crane, Master Mantis and Master Monkey here at the Jade Palace. You can stay here as well, Master Shifu. Between Master Tigress, Master Viper and Po here, I'm sure they can handle this mission."

"As you wish, Master," replied Shifu, who then said to the aforementioned, "You heard the Master. Ler's go back to the Jade Palace and train."

Tigress and Viper looked at each other, over at Po, then back at Master Oogway. "Yeah," they said as one, "We're up to this."

"I'm sure you are," she replied.

Po wondered if he might run into the awesome beautiful owl Fenghuang out on this mission again. He knew in his heart with the right encouragement, she could be back on the honorable path of Kung Fu.

"Stop that daydreaming, panda!" said Tigress as she turned to leave, "We have a mission, and we haven't got..."

"I'M BORED! LET'S GO!" shrieked the girl from outside.

"Princesses," sighed Tigress.

"Hey, I'm great with kids," said Po.

"Who said the Princess was a child?" asked Tigress suspiciously.

"Lucky guess?" he replied awkwardly. Tigress seemed to accept that answer.

...

And so, since he never became the Dragon Warrior, Master Shifu was willing to give the Panda a chance to prove his worth. In time, he accepted him as a gifted Kung Fu Master in his own right. And in time, he would wind up taking Tigress as his first wife, and Viper, Fenghuang, and Scorpion as his co-wives and concubines. And one day, the noble Shining Eagle as well, even if Master Eagle didn't seemed too thrilled about it at the time.

When the day came that Tai Lung escaped from prison and sought the non-existent Dragon Scroll, Po beat him, spared his life, and turned him back to the honorable path of Kung Fu as well.

And Po would indeed have two children by Tigress (a tigress and a panda girl), and two more by Fenghuang (a male panda and a girl owl). They would all grow up to be legendary Kung Fu Masters, and in their time, create a new Dragon Scroll for the day that someone would become the DRAGON WARRIOR!

_Hear the legends of the Harem Master!_

_Doong-da-da-doong-dah! Doong-da-da-doong!_

_Raised in a noodle shop, never seeking glory or fame,_

_He climbed the Palace steps and learned Kung Fu just the same!_

_Ooh! Ah! Ya!_

_Harem Mastahhh!_

_They saw the panda and felt their love blossom,_

_And master the skills of bodacious and awesome!_

_Harem Mastahhh!_

_He lives and he trains and he fights with the Furious Five,_

_Protecting Scorpion, Fenghuang, something, something alive!_

_Ooh! Ah! Ya!_

_Harem Mastaaahhhhhh!_

_Legends of Awesomeness._

_Sweet_

"Hey!" shouted Shining Eagle, "What am I?! Chopped onions over here?!" Yes, Po would eventually have one child by her: An eagle girl who would grow into a Kung Fu Master and take over running the Aerial Academy from her mother, who in turn took over from her father, Master Eagle.

And in spire of trying, Po would never have a child by Master Viper. She was all too happy to help Tigress raise their children like an aunt or nanny.

As for Scorpion, HE COULDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! Seriously. It was strictly platonic love between them.

When Tai Lung got over the fact he would never be the Dragon Warrior, he settled down and became a great teacher at the Jade Palace. He would never take another life as long as he lived, as he owed Po so much for sparing his life and giving him a second chance.

Oh, and Crane also married the Clouded Leapard Mei Ling. They also had two children (a female crane and a male leopard) who would grow into Kung Fu Masters, open their own Kung Fu Academy, and have their own friendly rivalry with the descendants of Master Po.

And as to the other Mei Ling... she would one day see the error of her ways, become honorable, and settle down after Master Shifu finally consented to marry her. They, however, would never have any children of their own, and probably liked it better that way.

[~fin~]


	28. Chapter 28

Po, the Harem Master

Epilogue: A Shady Deal

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

This part takes place about a year after Chapter 27. By then, Po had married Tigress, Viper, Scorpion, and Fenghuang. Tigress was already about 6 months into her first pregnancy.

**WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**.

…

Po looked as Tigress slept next to him. Her motherly glow and her swollen belly just seem to make her look at the more beautiful to him. The two pair of teats were just filling with milk to make them stand out from her belly. They would be engorged with milk in a matter of weeks, and she would need to start milking herself just to relieve the pressure.

There was a gentle knock at the door.

"Yes?" asked Po.

"I'm sorry to bother you and your wife," said Shifu, "but I need a very important delivery made. One that cannot be just turned over to any ordinary messenger."

"Just give me a few minutes to dress and slip out," he said, "You know how grumpy Tigress can be if she doesn't get at least 8 hours of sleep a night."

"Of course," said Shifu, "I'll wait here."

"Honey," moaned Tigress half asleep, "Stop stealing the covers..."

He seemed to calm her back to sleep by tucking her in nicely. Slipping open the door, he said, "So when should I go?"

"As soon as I give you this," said Shifu as he handed Po a scroll case made of ivory, "I wouldn't normally bother you with such a trivial delivery, but with recent attacks by Croc bandits, I can not take a chance that a scroll as valuable as this could fall into their scaly hands."

"Say no more, Master Shifu," he said, "I am totally all over this!"

"Weren't you the one who didn't want to wake Tigress?"

"Oh, so sorry," he said quietly.

"I'm not the one you'd have to spend the rest of the day apologizing to."

"Of course."

"Now the trip should take less then 3 days, so supply yourself appropriately. They should have plenty with which to replenish your supplies on the return trip."

Holding the scroll, Po bowed to his Master, now that Oogway had become one with the universe weeks earlier. He could still remember how poor Viper cried her eyes out for 2 days where no one could relieve her suffering. Not even Tigress.

Po then set out to gather his traveling supplies of food and mild rice wine. He got a pack to stuff it all in along with a few other things he might need, like a little dry firewood, a little tinder, and flint to strike sparks with. There was also a blanket to lay on the ground at night, and a couple of candles in case he had to travel in the dark for some reason. With the scroll case hidden at the bottom, he also would not look suspicious. He also took a staff along, as it was considered as much a tool for walking long distances as it was a weapon. Lastly, he wore his wok-shaped bamboo hat that he was so fond of.

Then he trekked down the Palace steps, into the Village, and then the bamboo forest beyond. The first day and night of travel were almost too easy, but the next day, there was trouble. And it wasn't Po's fault this time. He came upon a clearing where he saw a circle of Croc bandits surrounding someone he couldn't quite see clearly, but there was at most two of them and they were clearly outnumbered by the crocs.

"Darn it!" called one of the Croc bandits, "There's one of them, and like ALL of YOU, and you still can not take them down?! This is getting to be so embarrassing! Heck, they won't even speak to us! How rude is that?!"

He set down his pack and said, "Hey Crocs! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?!"

"Hey look," said the apparently head bandit, "He's got a backpack! There's gotta be something worth taking from there! Forget the nonspeaking wimp! Attack that panda!"

There was at least 8 Croc bandits swinging an ax in each hand as they rushed to attack him. He lifted the staff crosswise in a two handed grip, and waited for them to strike. The bandit who was faster than the others soon regretted it as Po disarmed him with a strike from one side of the staff, and then clocked him in the side of the head with the other.

The next to tried to attack him together, but just made it easy for him to use his staff to clothesline the startled Crocs and send them falling back on their butts. Now that three attacks were repulsed, they were soon getting in the way of those moving up behind them.

But then he noticed that the smarter of the bandits were trying to flank him on either side to they could go right after the backpack. While the scroll was hidden at the bottom, he couldn't risk them dumping out everything and just finding it. So he did a backflip into a cartwheel that took him right back to his pack, and just in time to let two more crocs just run into the ends of his staff.

"Look pal!" he shouted at the crocs, "I don't know about you, but is a little imported bean paste really worth all this pain for?!"

"Then why are you fighting so hard to protect it?!"

"It's a gift to my adopted grandmother! It has more value than just coinage!"

The croc thought about it, and said "Forget them! There just has to be some easier prey around here somewhere!"

Po smirked as they fled, little knowing that they had left a treasure behind. Then he went over to the figure laying on the ground where they were being attacked. It was a Clouded Leopard, and a fairly young one at that. He looked the leopard over, noticed that there was little more than a few bruises and a shallow bleeding cut on the right leg, and said "As much as I want to help you, I'm just too busy. You look like you can walk. I think you can get home without me."

The leopard stood and staggered as they put weight on the bleeding leg. But when he turned to leave, the leopard lunged and grabbed his arm.

"Darn it!" he said, "I don't have..." But when he saw the leopard's face and the tears streaming freely down their cheeks, he sighed, "Fine! You'll have to share my back with the backpack!" He stooped as the leopard climbed on half his back and put their arms about his neck. "If you can't talk, then you'll just have to point the way." The leopard pointed.

They came to a narrow gorge, which was certainly passable judging by the traffic patterns he could see, and began walking through when the leopard on his back began to make blowing gestures with their mouth.

"What?" asked Po, "You can't breathe? You want me to go faster? Uh... I don't know what..."

There was now frantic hand waving.

"There's a wind coming?"

The leopard nodded.

"A large and dangerous wind?"

The leopard nodded much faster. Po backed into a crevice just as the Howling Winds struck. He just used one arm to shield his face as the winds tore through, but his bulk was just too great for the winds to actually affect him. It was just the leopard youth and the backpack that worried him.

Once the Howling Winds had passed, they made their way into another small valley. It was rather lush and green, like the Valley of Peace. Then a palisade wall and a village inside it came into view. Another leopard seemed to notice them approaching, and ran out to meet them as she screamed, "VOICELESS?! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!"

"Voiceless?" asked Po, "That does explain things..."

The leopardess ran up and Voiceless was happy to drop into her arms.

"Hey, slight bruise on the leg there," said Po, "She might need help walking back. Now as much as..."

"YOU MUST STAY FOR DINNER!"

"No, really, I don't have the time..."

"You can't possibly leave without receiving the gratitude of the Ladies of the Shade!"

Voiceless clutched Po's arm, beginning him to stay with their eyes.

"Now Voiceless," scolded the leopardess, "Get on my back like a good girl and I'll carry you the rest of the way home." Voiceless scrabbled onto her back.

"I didn't catch your name," he said.

"Oh me?" she asked, "My name is Song. Pleased to meet you."

"So why is little Voiceless... voiceless?"

"When she was a child, her neck was pierced by a Croc spear. While she survived well enough, she was never able to speak again from that day forward."

Po touched Voiceless' arm as he said, "The gods shouldn't allow such things to happen."

Voiceless smiled.

"Oh dear," said Song, "I think little Voiceless has a crush on you!" She then saw the large blush in her cheeks, and said, "Oh, have I said too much about that?"

Even thought Po wanted to leave, he followed the two back into the Village.

"LOOK EVERYONE!" shouted Song, "VOICELESS IS BACK, AND SHE WAS SAVED BY SOME BIG STRONG WARRIOR!"

A number of women (who all oddly dressed the same) all came out with fancy red umbrellas over their shoulders, even though there was no sign of rain anywhere. One came forward and said, "Greetings. My name is Su, and I just wanted to thank you for saving Voiceless like you did."

"Say," he said, "I don't mean to pry, but why was she so far out in the bamboo forest all alone?"

"It's our fault for not curbing her wanderlust. With no men around, the children can get a little out of hand at times."

"No men?"

"For some reason, not one of them wants to stay around after they knock up one of my Ladies. But enough of that, we need to show you our gratitude. We're performers, and we'd love to show you our stuff while we feed you."

"I'm really in a hurry..."

"Oh, I promise this won't take more than a couple of hours, tops. Isn't that worth seeing free food and all of our gratitude."

"I guess so," muttered Po, although he wasn't quite buying the wanderlust story. So he was given a place to sit while he set his backpack beside him, and they gave him wonderful fruity drinks while they prepared the meal and the dance.

As promised, he was well fed, had plenty to drink and was truly amazed by their umbrella dancing. And almost as quickly, he was shooed out the gates to go on his way. After walking about a hundred paces, he stopped to check his pack... THE SCROLL CASE WAS GONE! In its place, there was a note which read '_I cannot live as a common thief any more, but all of my sisters and elders think that's the only way to live. Please take me with you. Love, Voiceless_.'

He took the note and stuffed it back at the bottom of the pack as he put it back on and stomped back to the Village gates.

"I thought you were in a hurry," said Su, "back so soon?"

"YOU KNOW WHY I'M BACK," he snarled, "GIVE ME BACK THAT SCROLL CASE ONE OF YOU STOLE FROM ME!"

"I don't know what ever you're talking about," said Su, "So I'm asking you to leave her peacefully."

"Not a chance sister!" he replied, "Not without that scroll case!"

"He obviously hostile ladies!" announced Su, "DEFEND YOURSELVES AND THE VILLAGE!"

He was taken aback when the umbrellas opened, a ring of blades popped out from the edge, and then started shooting darts of some sort at him. Using his hat as a shield, he deflected all of the shots aimed at him. He used the staff to make a series of sweeping attacks as their legs, but they all just jumped gracefully over his attacks.

But when he glanced over his shoulder, he saw the Voiceless was out in the bushes, and she was waving around the scroll case. He turned to the Ladies and said, "DRAGON SHOUT!" He voice boomed like that of a roaring dragon, and the volume if not the force of the shout knocked all of the attacking Ladies onto their backsides.

When they were getting back to their feet, he ran out to meet Voiceless, and then raced back to the gorge. "Look Voiceless," he said, "Why bother to take the scroll case and then leave a note saying you wanted to leave?"

"Because she didn't steal your scroll case," said Song as she emerged from behind a tree, "I STOLE IT. Voiceless must have left that note after I took it, or I would have stolen that note as well."

"Why?!" he asked.

"Because Voiceless is one of us," said Song, "or I used to think that way. She's been trying to run away from us for weeks now, and now I can understand why she feels so. I want to run away with Voiceless as well."

"Well," said Po as he saw a mob of Ladies giving chase, "No one leaves if they catch up! RUN!" They all ran into the gorge. The three of them ran until Po grabbed their arms.

"What's wrong?" asked Song she said as she looked back. The mob was almost on top of them.

"Close your umbrella!" he snapped, "NOW!"

The panda used his arms and mass to force them both to the ground as the Howling Winds struck. The pursuing mob, with their umbrellas open for battle, where easily blown into the air and hundreds of yards back.

"Now run!" he said as he stood up, "We've got a big lead on them now!"

...

And thus did Po lead Song and Voiceless away from the Ladies of the Shade, and away from their life of petty crime to survive. The scroll was delivered on time (barely), and when he returned to the Jade Palace, he talked Master Shifu into letting two more students into the Jade Palace.

Song became a co-wife and concubine after Shining Eagle, although their mating attempts never produced a child by them. Voiceless treated Po like a father, and in time, Po found a perfectly suitable traveling Kung Fu Master to marry her as well.

And the spirit of Song is transferred across the universe to a new Defender. And the power of evil is contained for another generation. And a new Leopard is born to protect the next.

***COUGH! HACK! COUGH!*** Oh sorry about the little slip up there... as you were.

[~fin epilogue~]


End file.
